Any Orthodox Jews on here? Need advice about a funeral

[SomeAdvicePleasee]

My close friend is an Orthodox Jew and her father passed away yesterday. The funeral is tomorrow and I am planning to go to show my support to her.

I have never been to a Jewish funeral so was wondering what the etiquette is. Do I need to take anything, like flowers or a card? Or just go and leave?

I have no idea what to expect or if there any must dos or must don’ts. So any guidance is really really appreciate.

Just turn up and go.

No flowers or cards required. It's fine to just show up and pay your respects. Men and women will stand separately. Traditionally you would join a line to pay your respects to your friend after the service and say "I wish you long life". It's a strange phrase in many ways so if you don't feel comfortable saying that it's no problem and just offer condolences.

The funeral itself will probably be quite austere. There won't be music and depending which cemetery you might stand during the service. You will then walk to the grave site behind the immediate family where the coffin will be lowered and people will throw earth on top before returning to the hall/room to finish (it is here where people will offer condolences afterwards). There will also likely 'sit shiva' for several nights (up to a week) afterwards.

In my experience married women wear hats at Jewish funerals.

There are no flowers at Jewish funerals. Cover your head - most women do, although not all these days

Wear a hat and conservative clothes (ie arms covered)

The family will probably be sitting shiva (period of mourning and prayers at home). People often attend the shiva to help support the bereaved.

Not orthodox but Jewish here. You may be more support to your friend by paying a shiva call. That is the official time for the bereaved to remember the deceased and talk about their memories of them. If you are a woman, wear a dress to the funeral/call which covers your elbows, knees and collarbone. Also cover your head with aa hat/ scarf. Wash your hands before leaving synagogue/ shiva home. Also be mindful that depending on tradition, your friend will not be able to attend happy events for 12 months, so consider this before making invitations.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate this!

I’m staying at my parents (was already here for the week) but luckily I already had a black dress with me - it’s a black shirt dress but it’s elbow length and sits mid calf. That’s ok right? My coat is dark green.

I am married but don’t have a hat and my mum doesn’t do hats. I won’t be able to buy one before the funeral. Could a black sheer scarf work? I’m Muslim myself so am conscious of not coming across dressed for a Muslim funeral, if that makes sense (although I only know my friend and family so no one else will know so perhaps not an issue!)

I have seen mention of Shiva and was planning to visit at some point during Shiva too.

Also good to know about the separate sexes. My husband wanted to come with me but there is probably no need if we won’t be together.

Thank you again!!

yes, a scarf instead of a hat is fine

@SomeAdvicePleasee A sheer scarf would be fine, as a non jew it is about you showing respect to the custom of others rather than the halacha, so the gesture is what matters if that makes sense? Dress sounds fine

It's so kind of you to be this thoughtful. Your outfit sounds perfect and I REALLY wouldn't worry about covering your head. It's more a tradition for married Jewish women and just being there and paying your respects is lovely.

your husband would also need a hat or skull cap, probably be able to borrow, but if hes going with you then need to get this sorted

Silly point, but dont forget clocks go forward tonight....

Simple dress
Covered up
Hair covered with scarf
No flowers or card.

No flowers, and if you're attending the shiva, food is always welcome - a plain cake will be fine. But, don't feel you have to.

Dress conservatively and respectfully, but don't feel you need to wear black. Make sure you're dressed warmly too as the rooms at the cemetery (where the prayers are held prior to burial) aren't heated, and the most resounding memory I have of parents' funeral is being cold, even though my dad's burial was on a hot summer's day.

Like PP have said, the thing to say is 'wish you a long life' to your friend and her family.

If, by any chance, you’re going to the orthodox cemetery in Bushey, the prayer halls are semi open to the elements and it’s absolutely freezing, so dress warmly.

Funnily enough my parents live very close to Bushey so I’ve been past the cemetery many times, but it’s not where the funeral is tomorrow.

Think I’ll wear a black cardigan over my dress for the extra layer and to make sure my arms are covered.

I know the rules don’t apply to me strictly speaking, but I don’t want to offend either or stick out like a sore thumb and become a distraction.

I’ll attend the Shiva later this week, so thanks for the heads up on food. Is it a day time thing as well as evening thing? I’m heading back home on Monday and the next time I can visit will be Friday, but conscious of not being able to visit on Friday evening?

Unless it is ok to visit a shiva during Shabbat actually?

Sorry, so many questions, and I don’t want to ask my friend any of these as the last thing she needs is me checking whether something is ok!

@SomeAdvicePleasee I recommend this cake https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/266333360

If you would like to take some food, readily available and Kosher obvs. to save you having to make a special trip. Also be aware that the bereaved are to be served throughout shiva, so people will be bringing in and offering food regularly so do not feel awkward about accepting

They will tell you tomorrow about Shiva and the times, although usually, it's prayers in the evening at the family's house. But, like I said, there will be an announcement of sorts about it tomorrow

Ah got it! I thought it was just drop by whenever.

Thank you so much for this amazing advice ladies! I really appreciate it! I wasn’t sure whether to post but really really glad I did! I wish there was a like button on here so I could like all your posts!

There's no shiva on shabbat. You get up on Friday pm and then start sitting again on Saturday evening.

Don't bring food unless it is packaged with a kosher symbol.

I have no idea about this at all, but just wanted to say you sound like the loveliest friend! 😍

You will probably find it more informal than you expect.

There will be an empty hall (no chairs) and everyone crams in with men on one side and women on the other. Lots of women wear trousers nowadays and many don't wear hats. People mingle outside the hall before the funeral starts.

The coffin will be wheeled into the centre of the room.

There will be prayers that take about 20 mins.

Then everyone follow the coffin as it is wheeled to tie grave. There will be a couple more prayers before the coffin is lowered then the male family members will shovel soil into the grave. Be prepared for wet muddy ground as often there is no path to the graveside.

After the burial people walk back towards the hall to wash hands ( a ritual after a burial) before dispersing.

There is no need to go specifically for the shiva ceremony which is an evening prayer service. It is ok to visit the family at a different time - they will usually announce visiting times at the funeral.

No need to take anything at all.