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Original poster

Struggling coping with my son. Please help.

19 replies

BrandNewSofa · 25/03/2023 07:48

Ds is 12 and really bloody hard work. He wants our full attention from morning til night and is incapable of doing anything alone for 5 mins (u less it’s PlayStation). He can be incredibly whiney and moaney when asked to do stuff- a job around the house for example. He can also be really explosive, like he has morphed into someone else for 5 minutes.
he sometimes makes really poor choices- like saying very rude things on a WhatsApp group with his friends.
He is difficult about EVERYTHING. Homework, having a shower, the lot.
dh and I are utterly exhausted and at our whits end.
any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/03/2023 07:49

Why do school say about him ?

Original poster
BrandNewSofa · 25/03/2023 07:52

Well behaved, engaged, good student.

OP posts:
2reefsin30knots · 25/03/2023 08:01

What are you expecting him to be doing independently? I ask because, if it is something like spending a couple of house reading, you might be being unrealistic.

I also have a 12yo DS. I would say he is the complete opposite and doesn't actually interact with us all that much at all when we are at home. However, he is very busy (school 7.15-5.30, sometimes later and a time consuming weekend hobby) so when we are at home we are happy for him to watch films and play on his phone. That seems to be all the down-time entertainment he needs. He does sometimes go out into town with friends too.

I know he wouldn't happily read or do homework though, if those were the only down-time options we were offering.

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Original poster
BrandNewSofa · 25/03/2023 08:20

No I’m certainly not expecting him to read for hours but I can’t even get 10 minutes peace to think what I’m doing in the kitchen!

OP posts:
2reefsin30knots · 25/03/2023 08:25

What happens if you say 'If you are here with me, you are going to help clean the kitchen- if you don't want to clean, go and find something to do'...

What would you like him to be doing instead of mithering you?

XelaM · 25/03/2023 08:26

Does he have a phone/tablet? Doesn't he want to spend time on a screen? Seems unusual for a 12-year-old

Ttwinkletoes · 25/03/2023 08:27

Try to get him good at a sport - sport is rubbish until you can do it! ?Tennis/ squash?

notthisagainforest · 25/03/2023 08:29

How about giving him an incentive like being good for the morning and doing a few chores to earn a couple of hours on the PlayStation. Any moaning or playing up no PlayStation that day and stick to your guns. At 12 he really should be able to not be a pain for you both does he go out with his friends to the park or play football or anything like that ?

MsCunk · 25/03/2023 08:33

OK, it sounds like a negative spiral has started here, and his behaviour feels negative to you regardless what he does. Spend time thinking about what you like about him. What interests do you share? Can you play PlayStation with him? Sport? Some type of hobby? You need to connect with him again as soon as possible. He's only 12, and he needs his parents - he's asking for attention from you for a reason.

Original poster
BrandNewSofa · 25/03/2023 09:06

If I’ve sounded mean to him that certainly isn’t a true reflection of what goes on here. I do give him my full attention, but it drains me. Unless he is on his phone or the PlayStation all day- we have a 2 hour limit- then he follows me around asking me when I’ll be done doing the washing up or whatever, constantly whining if I’m not free to entertain him.

we encourage him a lot in his interests and take him to lessons and clubs, help him practice and watch him show us what he has learnt. We are engaged and keen parents.

but when he is constantly rude and explosive when we don’t do or say what he wants it’s really hard work.

OP posts:
2reefsin30knots · 25/03/2023 12:21

If he's doing all his school work to the best of his ability, engaging in hobbies/ extra-curriculars and spending time with friends then I'm not sure I'd worry too much on limiting the screens when he is at home.

What is it that you would like him to do? It is important, because if you are clear about that you can structure it a bit for him (e.g. do x or y for an hour, then I will do z with you).

Purplepinkfairy · 25/03/2023 12:27

Is he a only child. He sounds bored

2reefsin30knots · 25/03/2023 12:32

It doesn't have anything to do with being an only. My DS is an only but as I said, virtually never wants attention at home. It's more likely a personality thing. My DS is very introverted and really likes his time to himself. OP's DS sounds like he wants a lot of stimulation from other people.

XelaM · 25/03/2023 13:38

Give him more screen time- that is the solution

Nooyoiknooyoik · 25/03/2023 13:42

XelaM · 25/03/2023 13:38

Give him more screen time- that is the solution

No it really isn’t.
More exercise and outdoors and some kind of goal is the solution.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 25/03/2023 13:44

Send him for a 2k run around the block to train for his sport.
Give him a guitar and make him learn it.
Get him to walk the neighbour’s dog.
Invite a friend over.

cestlavielife · 25/03/2023 13:47

Get him to do the washing cooking etc with you
No teason he csnnot be doing it with you side by side
Teach him cooking already

XelaM · 25/03/2023 14:00

Nooyoiknooyoik · 25/03/2023 13:42

No it really isn’t.
More exercise and outdoors and some kind of goal is the solution.

Show quote history

That's not a solution to OP's problem that he doesn't leave her alone when they're home 🤷‍♀️

I don't understand what the OP expects him to do at home all day if he's not allowed his phone. Most kids that age communicate with their friends or have friends over at their house. Presumably OP doesn't want his friends at her house?

Original poster
BrandNewSofa · 25/03/2023 15:58

@XelaM not at all! He has struggled with friendships lately so we have had less friends round but hopefully that will change soon.

OP posts:
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