How do I speak to someone about being disrespectful without coming over as a massive twat?

[Dinopawus]

Help me Mumsnet. I'm seriously pissed off with a junior colleague from another team for undermining me in front of a client today.

I didn't get to speak to her afterwards as she wasn't available so will need to raise it on Monday. I don't want to let this drop and would prefer to clear the air with her myself without involving her manager if I can - the trouble is every version of what I actually want to say to her, either makes me sound like Peggy Mitchell throwing people out of the Queen Vic or like a massive stuffy twat.

So how can I actually say don't pull that stunt again sunshine and retain my dignity?

Don’t say anything to her. Raise it with her manager.

Hi X can I have a word?

On Friday I felt like you were disrespectful towards me in front of X. (Pause) allow them to explain, deny, defend, or apologise.

Well like I say, it felt disrespectful and unprofessional. Please don’t speak to me like that again. Thanks.

Rather than saying she was disrespectful focus on her behaviour undermining your position with the client. The client is the one bringing money into the business and if they lose faith in you that impacts on the company. If she has an issue with you she should bring it up in house only, either directly with you or through her line manager, but not in front of the client.

Just say don’t do XX again - it’s unprofessional of you, undermines us both and the company. Got it? Good.

I’d generally avoid disrespectful. It has a bit of a whiny vibe unless deployed in extreme circs and if they are are a smartarse they may be mentally gum chewing and thinking well why should I respect you olde byrde when I am young and brilliant

And don’t say please, or thanks, or smile. It will mess with your do that again and you will be extremely fucking sorry vibe, which is your best guarantee they won’t.

If they stuffed up you need to tell them. Just be direct as the pp said. This is just part of learning when a junior.

That's it! disrespectful does sound whiny doesn't it? And I don't want to be the crazy lady.

I think you're right it needs to be a "I felt" conversation followed by "don't do it again" you fuckwit

Half of these proposed responses might get you reported to HR. Raise it with her manager.

That's definitely how I'd like the conversation to go Ghost.

A calm conversation isn't going to get me reported to HR. The whole point of informal feedback is that it's informal - and timely.

This doesn't need to be escalated to her manager.

I would also avoid ‘I felt’. It’s woolly and your feelings aren’t the point here - it’s that her unprofessional behaviour undermined you and thus the company.

Where in the name of god do you work that pulling up a junior gets you reported to HR..

It depends on your company set up. If you're not in her chain of command and technically don't have authority over her then it could lead to an HR complaint. She already felt able to undermine you, you possibly need to tread carefully and make sure to cover your own back. I appreciate you're trying to make it informal for her benefit, but don't risk yourself trying to keep it low key for her.

If you want her to really listen, check first whether she even understands that she undermined you. Obv I don't know the full circumstances, but it is entirely possible she's oblivious.

Calmly ask to chat as follow up to the meeting, find neutral ground where you won't be overheard, state facts: "when you said "X" , that comment was undermining me and made us both look bad from the client's perspective. (pause so she can take it in/ explain etc). Yes, I understand, but it still made us look underprepared and that can cost us that client. One of the things you learn on this job is importance of timing of communication. Next time you need to do/say "Y" instead, to signal a concern that we can discuss after the meeting."

If you know that this is not the first time she did this, ask her what feedback she's had and why she hasn't acted on it.

My job involves direct training of juniors in a sensitive field. The vast majority of them are very highly educated and incredibly well meaning. Sometimes it's just a language issue (not realising that certain words have certain loading in some contexts). They are absolutely mortified when things like that are pointed out. At the end of this conversation, you want her to feel that she can come to you with the problem before the next client meeting, not be so embarrassed (or worse, terrified of you) as not to bring it up at all.

What you consider to be ‘informal feedback’, another person might consider extremely inappropriate. Telling someone who you do not manage that their conduct is unprofessional/inappropriate/disrespectful is something I’d strongly advise against.

But, you’re welcome to ignore me!

What interesting phrasing. ‘Pulling up a junior’ would get you reporter in most workplaces in 2023. You don’t ‘pull people up’, or refer to them as ‘juniors’. It’s not Dickensian England.

Where in the name of God do you work? And in what decade?

I would avoid going to their manager first, if someone went to my manager without speaking to me first I wouldn’t be happy.

when giving feedback I use SBI - situation, behaviour, impact. Take emotion out of it and stick with facts.

the situation was the meeting
the behaviour was they said X in meeting
the impact was x

steer clear of anything that can come across accusatory. Hopefully they didn’t mean it as it sounded and will learn from it.