Mystified… she‘s refusing to speak to me after this!

[symphonyseven]

I’ve had a rocky relationship with my sister since we were teens. I think she has had MH difficulties in the past if that is relevant. She takes insecurities out on others, myself and our DM being the main person she will do this with. She is very clever and can use this to her advantage to get people to do what she wants.

She hasn’t treated me very nicely in the past (has blocked me on social media, made up lies etc) and has been rude and hostile to DH, ignores him and pretends as if he/we don’t exist and she becomes upset if the attention is away from her, BIL and DN.

All this aside I figured there was no point holding any grudges so set these aside just before she had my niece in January. Life is short and we don’t have another sibling. My future DC would probably benefit from cousins as DH is an only child, plus it would be easier for my parents if everyone got on. It’s got to be in everyone’s best interests to at least be amicable, or so I thought

It’s been a lovely couple of months of messaging often and calling each other up, just like old times

I got engaged two weeks ago. In our excited little bubble, we announced to my parents and soon-to-be DHs parents before breaking the news on social media the same evening. DSis was very unhappy that she wasn’t told first and has told our parents this. She sent me one message which said, ‘I’m happy you’re happy’ and hasn’t asked any further Qs since nor shown any interest. Whenever I have text her to see how she is, or chat about mundane things like we usually would, she has read and ignored my messages each time.

Close friend suggested she could be jealous but I can’t see that as she has truly nothing to be jealous of.

Do I apologise or leave it? Maybe I have been unfair in not telling her first but surely you’d just be happy for somebody, whenever you found out?

Apologise. You'd been talking and messaging, trying to rebuild your relationship and then your first instinct with big news was to tell the parents and go to social media. Most siblings would be annoyed if that was how they found out big news.

yes, this ^

I’d be upset if I were your sister too. That’s mean to go on social media before telling her ☹️

I think your decision to just class her with ‘random people who follow you on SM’ has probably hurt her feelings. It’s also quite odd you didn’t tell her along with other family members, especially as you say you’re so pleased your relationship with her is good these days?

I'd be very upset if I found this out via social media and I'm not even that close to my brother

So did you tell her in person or she saw it on social media ?

If the latter then I don't blame her being upset.

Sorry @symphonyseven

But regardless of what's happened in the past you decided you wanted a good relationship with your sibling but then told the public your exciting news so she heard from either that or your parents and not directly from you.

I would be pissed off aswell to be honest.

If your going to share big news like that online it's always wise to tell your family personally first or it seems like your not bothered enough to tell them

You messed up by not telling her before posting on SM. You are basically telling her she isn't important to you.

I would be absolutely gutted if I found out either of my siblings were engaged in m on social media. Tbh, I've cousins I'd be hurt about not hearing something like that directly from. If you think you've done nothing wrong here, then maybe you're more at fault in your previous "rocky relationship" than you're telling us (or maybe even more than you realise?). Maybe she's insecure at least partly because she's got a sister who treats her like an afterthought and blames her being hurt by that on her poor mental heath. Obviously I know nothing about either of you. But maybe have a think...

You should apologise. It's rubbish finding out big news from social media when it's a close family member

If you put it on social media before you told her personally then you are in the wrong. I would have told my sister first before telling my parents.

She's not jealous, she's hurt? Her sister gets engaged and she sees it on social media after thinking bridges have been built

You’re in the wrong here. The fact that you’ve had a rocky relationship in the past is irrelevant considering you’ve had a “lovely couple of months” and are getting on. Apologise.

Why should she show any interest when you couldn't even be bothered to tell her personally and let her find out from either your parents or social media?

If you’re trying to rebuild your relationship, why wouldn’t you have told her in person, as you did your parents?

This ^^

I'm not at all sure why you are so mystified. She's been lumped into the same category as every other person you know and have on social media be that your work colleagues, old school friends or people you do hobbies with.

I don't understand why you'd think to tell your parents but not your sister who you've been messaging happily for months about boring day to day stuff. Surely if anything was worth telling her it was this news.

Thanks everyone, I’ll apologise. I don’t want it to impact my relationship with my niece either, I can see why she’d be offended on reflection. Appreciate your responses!

I honestly can't believe that you needed us to tell you this. You really jumped to jealousy before 'I only found out my sister was engaged when she told her 500 friends on social media'? And then were annoyed enough to bring this to Mumsnet rather than reflecting on who you told when? It's just SO obvious.

That was appalling behaviour on your part. It really was. I'd be so upset in her position.

It's a bit weird that you needed strangers to point this out to you. Surely if you thought she was annoyed at you, your first thought would be oh shit I guess she didn't think she was important to me as I told her at the same time as I told some random school friend I'd not seen in 10 years not oh I didn't do anything wrong maybe she's just jealous of me.

To be honest the fact you didn't see what you'd done wrong would lead me to wonder if some of what you perceive as slights against you by her which led to the poor relationship to begin with were actually situations where you have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Yep, really odd that you were "mystified" about her reaction.

I can quite imagine that if you'd found out about your niece's safe arrival along with your sister's friends on FB, you'd have had a fair bit to say about that.