If you're generally seen as a 'lovely person', do you feel people take you for granted?

[Townlife]

I've noticed a pattern developing with 3 different people. They don't know each other, but all live v close to me, and have, up until recently been long-term friends of mine.

One, I worked with about 20 years ago and when the company closed we stayed close friends. Another, we became friends when our children went to school together (both primary & secondary) and the other moved to our area about 8 years ago.

The one I worked with, never bothers to contact me now, but does text me back. We only meet up if I instigate it. The parent of my children's schoolfriends (the children are all in their late teens/early 20's now!), I completely left it for about a year as I'd not heard a thing from her, (only quick chats if we bumped into each other), until she asked me for a favour last November. I helped her, she thanked me, and I thought I'd try one last time. (I miss her, like I miss them all). 🙁 I texted back, inviting her round for coffee before Xmas. She just replied, 'Thanks, I'll text you'. She never has, and the couple of times I've seen her in the street, she hasn't even mentioned it, or apologised for not replying. 🙁

The other one, I bumped into in January. We chatted, she said we must meet up soon and to let her know when I'm free. I texted that week, letting her know which days are best for me. She read it that day, called across the street to me 2 weeks later apologising for not replying, and still hasn't all these weeks later. She's waved to me from her car a few times, which you'd think would remind her, but no, nothing.

I feel v hurt, as if all those years of friendship meant nothing to them. They've all, at various times said what a 'nice person/lovely friend' I am, but I'm thinking now that's their code for 'pushover'! 🤔 Dh thinks it's more the case that they see me around often, ie, dogwalking, local shop, pass me walking to work etc and they know they're bound to bump into me at some point, so don't bother making plans. To me, a quick chat in the street every now & then no way replaces coffee catch-up and evenings out, but maybe it does for them. Any thoughts on this? I just couldn't treat friends like this. 🙁

I think your DH is probably right. When you have younger kids you are out and about and spend time with people every day. All I would say is, don’t cut your nose off to spite your face by on purposefully waiting to be contacted. I have a friend who tries to plan things so far in advance and all of the back and forth to get dates in the diary is a faff. I’d much rather get involved with making a plan a couple of weeks in advance rather than 6 months.

I think it's quite likely to be true. I'm also "a lovely person" , that's how people describe me . And I do get ignored . I'm always the one who has to instigate contact with my friends , and some of them have been friends for decades. To be honest, I'm used to this now - I make contact when it suits me and I don't take offense when they ignore me. We catch up eventually - it's not worth getting upset about it.

It sounds like you'd benefit from a hobby. I joined a local choir and now have that contact with people once a week that fills a need for friends.

On a 1-1 basis, lives are busy and people with the best intentions don't have time for close friendships.

It doesn’t sound to me as if being a ‘lovely person’ has anything to do with it. These are just three friendships that are drifting or becoming less close. It doesn’t mean they weren’t good friendships in the past.

I do think that nice people can be taken for granted, but I also think that sometimes old friendships run their course, it's not really anyone's fault, it's just that you move on and have more in common with other people.

I have a few friends with this sort of thing. We find it difficult to catch up. It’s not personal. I expect your friends have a lot on and just feel a bit overwhelmed trying to keep on top of stuff. Forgotten to reply to your text in the process. You could always ask them again suggesting a time/day/location. From experience it’s easier to have a regular weekly thing in the diary then sporadic one off meet ups. For example Zumba every Tuesday night term time or a walk every Thursday after school drop off

It’s possible to be very nice and have boundaries. Being nice doesn’t mean being a walk over.

But if they don’t want to commit to a once-off coffee for a catch-up, it’s pretty unlikely that a weekly commitment is going to appeal…

Thank you all. The poster that suggested a hobby, I did join a walking group about 6 months ago. I'm so glad I did, as although many of the group are still more 'acquaintance type friends', there are a few I feel I've really gelled with, which are gradually turning into actual friendships. 🙂

I also have a few friends who live further away, where we plan weekends to meet up in advance and they actually happen! These are only a couple of times a year, but I'm thankful we're still in touch. I think I need to focus on sustaining these friendships, and continuing to be a familiar face in our walking group.

I feel I've reached out enough to the 'local friends'. I feel uncomfortable initiating any more contact, as they don't seem willing to respond, sadly. 🙁

I did bump.into the friend I used to work with, yesterday. I sometimes do on a Sunday, as we have a weekend market in our town.

She did the normal, 'How are things etc?' I actually said to her I was hoping to see her before Easter, but haven't heard from her since my last text, which was New Year time! She just laughed and said 'Oh I know, I'm hopeless! I always know I'll see you around, anyway!'

I felt hurt by that - we used to go out for meals/cinema/drinks etc. She's not bothered now it seems, I feel a bit invisible. 🤔 Yes, we all have busy lives, but as with the other friend I mentioned, why keep apologising for not replying/not making contact, and then just carry on totally unbothered? If someone messages me I reply (even if not immediately, the next day certainly)! I wouldn't dream of not.

For many years I classed them as 'close friends'. Being a fairly quiet person, I've always had several close friends rather than a big group, so this is v hurtful.

I think either they have other close friends so whilst they are happy to see you and catch up they don't need more than that as their social life is busy. Or they have busy lives with work/family and don't feel the need for friends. I have a similar situation as does dh ( both with old friends before we met) dh just doesn't socialise outside of family often as he doesn't want to make new friends. I will arrange something if I want to an also do stuff with dh or family a lot but I have stopped taking it personally and sopped feeling pressure to stay touch.

Yes, I suppose I'll have to accept that they see me just as an acquaintance/neighbour now, as if all those years of proper friendship didn't exist. I can't keep chasing them, I'll just have to leave it now and focus on other, newer relationships. It seems that you've had similar, too. x

It’s hurtful to you, obviously, but it’s not their responsibility that you don’t have many friends, ultimately — it’s perfectly possible they have no idea how big a gap this has left for you, unless you actually tell them. I don’t think it’s anything to do with you being a ‘pushover’.

I have other friends FrankandWalters, but for a long time I've seen these as my 'main friends', if you know what I mean. But they've obviously moved on for whatever reason, so I obviously need to, too.