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Original poster

I have a facial disfigurement and people always ignore me

29 replies

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 16:10

So, I'm a really bubbly person and I love talking to people. I consider myself very friendly and approachable. When I was 18 I had an accident that has left me with a glass eye and scarring on my face which is very noticeable. Before this I always had people be super friendl with me, men would flirt and people would want to be my friend ( I know this sounds cheesy but hear me out) what I find now however is people tend to ignore me. When I'm with people and they are talking, they look at everyone but they blatantly avoid looking at me. It makes me so sad and I feel so insignificant. I always try to pitch into the conversations to make people aware that I'm friendly, but It literally happens every single time I'm with people.
What can I do to prevent this?

OP posts:

SecondhandMuck · 24/03/2023 16:13

I'm sorry. I would imagine a lot of people are conscious of not wanting to make you uncomfortable by seeming like they're staring at your scarring. So they think it's politer to avoid all eye contact. Not realising this makes you feel invisible. Do you find that once you're in someone's company for a while, or meeting them for the second or third time that they ease up a bit?

Lovelyveg80 · 24/03/2023 16:14

How old are you? Do you work and have colleagues? Friends? Hobbies? Social life?

hugoagogo · 24/03/2023 16:17

I think people are just trying not to look too much, but I can see it must be difficult for you.
I have heard some people find it helps to make up a silly story about how it happened. It probably takes some courage to do it though and won't work for everyone.
Have you had any counselling to help you come to terms with what you have been through? If not you might find it helps you to develop strategies to use in these kind of situations.
You sound so strong

Original poster

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 16:22

I'm 23. So I'm still on the young side. I completely understand that people may not want to make me feel like they are staring but it's very difficult to not let it affect me. I find If im first in a room and I chat people are ok with me but I always feel they avoid me if they can. I have great friends that are amazing it's more people that I don't know, like new clients in work, ordering food at a restaurant ( the waiting staff willbe Uber friendly with my friends laughing and joking but literally not look or talk to me at all) I know I look unusual and especially when everyone wants to be stunningly good looking I stand out all the more. I came home from work yesterday and felt so emotional about it all. I literally notice it every single day to the point were I was shocked that one man actually made a effort to talk to me at a new location In work yesterday. I was literally stunned when he looked at both my colleague AND me when we were talking about something to the point where I was excited to be noticed by someone

OP posts:

Original poster

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 16:25

@hugoagogo thank you. I guess I've just learnt to except that people won't always be excepting of people that look different to them. I don't necessarily think I'm brave, I just have to be thick skinned and pretend I don't notice it.

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 24/03/2023 16:29

I'm so sorry, it must be extra hard when you are so young.

My face is very swollen from steroids and mishapen a lot of the time due to my condition (myasthenia gravis) and I know people speak to me /interact with me differently to how they did before when I was slim and symmetrical and it is a horrible isolating feeling. I am still the same person inside.

I don't know what the answers are but I want you to know it's ok to feel that this isn't ok

ThomasHardyPerennial · 24/03/2023 16:30

I know it's a cliché, but it really isn't you - it's them. I'm sorry people have made you feel insignificant, it is utter shit.

SecondhandMuck · 24/03/2023 16:31

It is strange how so many of us so discombobulated by a face that veers from the norm. To be honest I used to be a bit like that myself until I realised how weird it was to avoid chatting to someone because their features were slightly different to other people's. I think your approach of being chatty and outgoing, although exhausting for you no doubt, is probably the best way.

Original poster

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 16:33

@SecondhandMuck it's very exhausting- that's exactly what it is. I feel like I always have to perform and be in chirpy form all the time otherwise nobody would like me.

OP posts:

Almahart · 24/03/2023 16:33

I'm sorry OP that sounds tough but it really isn't you, it's them. I guess people feel awkward.

I agree with others your approach of being chatty and outgoing is a good one but it must be exhausting for you.

Original poster

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 16:34

@SweetSakura I feel for you too. I'm
Also glad you understand. It can be so very isolating and the problem is people are probably unaware that they do it.

OP posts:

RosaBonheur · 24/03/2023 16:37

I'm really sorry OP, I don't think you can really do anything about how strangers react to you.

But I will try to make sure I don't do this if I meet someone with a disfigurement in the future.

SecondhandMuck · 24/03/2023 16:38

it's a bit like the way a lot of people will avoid someone who's recently bereaved. They feel awkward around bigger emotions, and worry about saying the wrong thing, so take the easy way out and cross the road to avoid having to speak to them at all. Which makes the person who's grieving feel even more crap.

MyriadOfTravels · 24/03/2023 16:54

@oneoclock im sorry…

Im much older and dont have a facial disfigurement but I use a wheelchair.
People react the same way. You suddenly become invisible.

I don’t have an answer fur you. Ableist society etc…
Its crap 😢😢

YaWeeFurryBastard · 24/03/2023 16:59

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I think a big part of it will be that people won’t want to make you feel like they’re staring so will look at you less. I have ASD and do this because I don’t want the person to think I’m staring or judging, similarly I don’t want a person in a wheelchair to feel I’m looking “down” on them, but I will make a conscious effort not to do this in future and make sure I’m looking people in the eye.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 24/03/2023 17:00

You sound like a lovely person by the way and good on you for continuing to be the bubbly friendly person you are!

Original poster

oneoclock · 24/03/2023 17:03

Thank you all for replying to me. I really appreciate it. You've all given me such lovely words to ponder over

OP posts:

Oaaz · 24/03/2023 17:09

I have a facial disfigurement too, as others have said, it's not you just people being twats. It's hard, so so hard and I don't always follow this myself! but just try and let it brush off you as its very much not a you problem.

GotABeatForYouMama · 24/03/2023 17:09

I remember those days well. They still happen, but after 45 years of living with my disfigurement I now give zero fucks about it. It's their problem to deal with not mine.

Elcapitano · 24/03/2023 17:13

One of my eyes doesn't point in the right direction, it's outwards. The difference between the way I'm talked to and interacted with on a sunny day compared to when I'm not wearing sun glasses is astounding.

It really affects me tbh, so I don't have anything to say to help except have an unmumsnetty hug of solidarity!

MamaOdie · 24/03/2023 17:21

You’re definitely not alone OP, I was born with a facial disfigurement and it sucks. It’s weird because most of the time I almost forget I have it when just going about my day but then sometimes I catch people looking at me in a certain way and it still stings.
But, on a happier note, I have been happily married for 20 years to a lovely man who makes me feel loved, have 2 great kids and a very responsible job (despite having a fear of public speaking as I don’t really like people looking at me!)
I promise that it does get easier to live with, there will always be people who may treat you differently but they honestly don’t matter - especially if you surround yourself with people who love and respect you for the fantastic person that you are on the inside.

SpeckledlyHen · 24/03/2023 17:22

Elcapitano · 24/03/2023 17:13

It really affects me tbh, so I don't have anything to say to help except have an unmumsnetty hug of solidarity!

I had exactly the same. I had eye surgeries as a child for a lazy eye but when I was in my mid 30's my right eye started to go lazy again. It got to a point where people were looking behind them to see who I was talking to when I was actually looking at them. It was really traumatic at the time because I was do a lot of client facing work and people who did not know me assumed I was looking at something else before they realised. My eye veered to the outside as well.

Can I ask you if you have investigated getting it fixed? No one suggested to me (opticians/Gp's etc) that it was fixable. I eventually went to see a laser surgery consultant (wrong type of person for the problem I know) and they said to get referred by the GP to the eye clinic in the hospital. Long story short but I did that, and they operated on my right eye and it is now straight. It is a minor operation as a day patient and involves adjusting the muscles behind the eye. My left one is a bit wonky without contact lenses in but it does correct with glasses/lenses.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack thread OP, but I know how you feel because people used to do the same to me.

Daisybee6 · 24/03/2023 17:24

I don't really think there's much more you can do apart from carrying on being you because you sounds lovely! I'm so sorry people treat you like that.

GlassBunion · 24/03/2023 17:28

I'm so sorry that you and others on here are experiencing this level of discomfort with people.

This comes from a good place but a lot of people may want to not spend much eye contact with you for fear of being seen to be staring too much.

I apologise profusely if that that sounds feeble .

I once worked with a child who was facially different and due to this, I came across an amazing organisation called 'Changing Faces.'

This child was due to go to secondary school and was worried about being accepted and stared at. Parent was extremely worried too.
I approached this organisation/charity and was bowled over by advice, signposts, help and support. Parent and child were very relieved.

Maybe approach them.

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 24/03/2023 17:31

OP I’m sorry you feel this way, that sounds tough. I think people are probably conscious that they don’t want to stare. What I’ve found in interacting with people who look noticeably different one way or another, that this is mostly the case when you’ve just met someone. Once you know someone a bit better their scars etc. just become a part of them and you don’t notice them anymore. I imagine it’s hard when you meet someone knew but surely the people who know you well don’t treat you this way?

I also wonder whether your own attitude and confidence levels are affecting the way in which other people see and treat you. I’m not blaming you in the slightest (!!!) but I just wonder if perhaps you felt more confident before the accident and therefore people found it easier to approach you/flirt with you etc?

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