Isolated in my grief

[ClaraBourne]

Why can't people ask how you are? My brother died. it was unexpected, he was alone and lay there three days before he was found.

He lived abroad. Cremated already, (ditect cremation) this was done to me like waste disposal, with nobody there. Not told when it was happening but because I wanted to think of him on his final journey I enquired and told it may have already happened. Memorial service In June.

Massages of condolence at the time but that was three weeks ago. Since then, just one friend keeps checking in with me as she has been through a similar loss. When my other friend's mum died I checked in with her regularly to see how she was so she knew I was there for her.

I am having real difficulty processing what has happened. One day he was there and I was talking to him on the phone, the next he has gone. The way that it happened too, he was alone.

I am distanced with my other siblings and are cold people they didn't care for him much, which I know he was very hurt by.

It is my birthday today. I have had a few messages. Nobody has mentioned my loss. My friends, cousins, my aunt, it is like it never happened.

My children have been amazing, with lots of hugs and listeing to me talk about my sadness. Their dad / my partner doesn't really know what to say aside from acknowledging that I am grieving (we are not in a loving relationship but that is a whole other thread).

Has anybody been through similar? Do I keep silent and hurt or accept that these people just can't reach out when it is needed most as they don't have the empathy? Part of me just thinks it is me as I struggle with friendshps and often feel the outsider no matter how hard I try not to be and that I'm not loveable or not deserving of this kind of care.

Happy birthday, be kind to yourself today. It can be a massive shock. My sister passed away a year ago but was found the same day, still a shock to have the police call to let me know. I found no people spoke to me or offered sympathies past the first couple of days, some family members have never even acknowledged she has passed and carried on as usual.

I really feel for you as my grief is still raw and I have my dc who are a great source of comfort to me and I'm glad yours are to you.

I'm so sorry, you must be absolutely devastated. I think we have a real cultural problem with grief in this country; people feel uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or whether to say anything, so they say nothing and assume someone else will be providing support. A friend of mine who was suddenly and violently widowed says people used to cross the street to avoid having to speak to her

I think I would reach out to a few people, indicating that you would really appreciate some company/a chat. You shouldn't have to, though.

I’m so sorry for your loss. The circumstances surrounding your brothers death sound incredibly upsetting.

You do deserve love and care at this time. Absolutely. And I’m sorry you don’t feel like you’re getting enough support from friends.

IME grief is incredibly individual and nothing anyone says actually helps. I found any sympathy actually quite empty. Like platitudes. It didn’t change anything. It’s a confusing and isolating time. Intense and hard. You desperately want someone / something to make it better.

I guess my point is that even if you did have “support” it may not really make you feel any better anyway. The grief, the overwhelm, the reality will still be there. And if your friends haven’t experienced such a loss, they will genuinely not understand how seismic the whole thing is.

How old are your children? Wrap yourself in their love and if and when you feel ready I would say that grief counselling is really the most useful thing. Griefcast is a wonderful podcast too.

I don’t mean to minimize your feeling by suggesting that listening to a podcast will replace the lack of real-life support, but again, in my experience, I found more comfort elsewhere.

best wishes to you op.

People will not know whether to mention your brother's death on your birthday, I don't think it signals they don't care- they just can't know what the right thing is to do. I've been bereaved in an unusual way and it is hard when no-one mentions the person after the first couple of weeks, I'd focus on your friend who is doing a good job and be thankful someone does understand. I also agree with the poster though that says that even if people ask you how you are, they don't necessarily know what to say or even understand unless they've been through something similar. No-one mentioned my dead relative ever except my family from a few weeks afterwards, and it's kind of stayed that way. I think they are looking for you to take the lead, it can be a lonely place. I'm so sorry about your brother, this is a hard path to tread.

Thank you for responding and sharing your stories. I just miss him so much. I think if my people had said anything to me all the last few weeks then the happy birthday wishes today would have felt different and less out of tune. But it seems that people really don't know what to say. I'm sorry other have felt equally alone.
I might reach out and say I'm struggling. Thank you again.

They don’t know what to say. We are taught to say things like he is at peace and in a better place. What crap. I remember saying to a friend it’s totally shit and I can’t unshit it. That’s what we ought to say. X

So sorry for your loss

People struggle with what to say. They worry that if they mention him they will upset you, so most just decide not to say anything. Sometimes I post a picture of my Mum who I lost long ago on Facebook and it is nice to see the warm comments and memories people share of her. Might that or something similar help you OP?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. When my mum died suddenly, my group of friends kept me sane and let me rant/cry and do whatever I needed to do.

I could see how other people felt awkward though. I think sometimes people worry they'll upset you if they say something or they just don't know what to say without being really trite. It's a bit of a minefield and I've experienced it myself...I've never really known whether to acknowledge a person's grief publicly or not.

Now that I've been through it myself, I make a point of saying something. I'll usually just say 'how are you?' If they clam up then I just smile and leave it but I hope they'll also see it as an opportunity to say how they really are feeling.

One thing which was huge for me and which I would suggest anyone do for a friend who's grieving...one of my friends sent me a card every month for the first year of my mum's death. It meant the world! They were usually cute/funny/light hearted cards she'd spotted but with a reminder that if I ever wanted to talk, she was always happy to listen. Little things like that mean the world!

But for you right now, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you enjoy writing, I can recommend starting a blog or a journal. Being able to communicate my darkest feelings was very therapeutic for me.

Dear OP. Sorry for your loss. It’s sad that you don’t feel you’re getting the level of support you’d give to others. I guess people are so wrapped up in their own lives, they just forget. I’m sure it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care.

Reach out to them when you need them.

Probably accessing some professional grief support would be helpful.

“People don’t know what to say” bullshit. They just cba trying. You support people and get nothing back half the time, such is life.

happy birthday and I am so sorry for your loss. Focus on your children and those who do show care for you. Hopefully the event in June will help with the grieving process. All the best.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/losing-a-sibling/

I’m absolutely dreading anything happening to my darling sisters. It’s a unique kind of loss. Not sure people know how to react to it.

Im so sorry that your brother died.
My friends son died in an accident at 16 yes old she said lots of people crossed the road to avoid her, a close friend when she saw her crying a few weeks after he died said "now don't be sad X(son's name) would want you to be sad". I'm sure it was a good intentioned remark.
When my son (who was a good friend of her son) met with her he talked about him, my friend started to cry and he apologised and she said "no I want to talk about him no one else will".
Most people just don't know what to say they are very afraid of making you upset thinking this is the wrong thing to do. Grief is a huge burden to carry as time goes by we do learn to live with it but it takes many years , Im also grieving for 10 years now when its really bad I try (not always successfully) to console myself with the words of our late Queen after 9/11; "grief is the price we pay for love". I cry just writing this.

Thank you for these thoughts and shared experiences. It has helped me enormously today to have the kindness of strangers on the internet when I have been feeling the weight of grief today. I have lost both parents but they were elderly. This feels so different. He was my person, if that makes sense. Always in my corner. It is true that grief is the price we pay for love.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
A sudden, unexpected loss is an awful shock, don’t underestimate the effects of shock on you, both physical and psychological.
It’s very hard when people you think care about you don’t mention your loss, I had the same. I think British people particularly are very bad at talking about death and loss.
Be very kind to yourself. Make sure you eat and drink enough.
I found a support group online, made many friends through it and it helped enormously during the very bad times. It might not be for you but I found one
https://community.sueryder.org/
All I can tell you is it gets easier, the loss never goes away but the pain eases.

IMO the pain never does go away we just get used to living with it or maybe just better at hiding it.
It will also change you as a person but not necessarily for the worse. I know 2 people who have lost someone they were very close too;; brother or son both say they are now more compassionate caring people, this is the legacy that their loved one had left behind for them and they are proud of this and know that their loved one would also be proud of them.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I can feel your grief just from what you've said. People just don't know what to say particularly if they haven't lost anyone. I lost my baby daughter a few years ago and I was very disappointed that some people didn't even send me an occasional text message, beyond the initial text message to say they're sorry. I lost a couple of friends but was also pleasantly surprised by a couple. It seems like people are around for a few weeks then gone. A few might remember the first anniversary or their birthday, fewer remember the second and it's seemingly old news three or four years on.