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Houseguests and boundaries

9 replies

Boundaries2023 · 24/03/2023 09:55

Name changed as may be slightly outing if there is anyone on here who knows me.
This is a bit of a petty and strange one but we have regular (about twice a year) visits from DP’s family for a few weeks at a time. Please feel free to skip this as I realise it is not a big thing in the grand scheme.

Due to the family members coming a long way from abroad and at quite a bit of expense, the visits are at least two weeks. I like them a lot and they are nice people but here’s the thing: as I get older, I am finding it much more difficult to have people in my space for that long. I like hosting but it is a lot.

It’s hard to verbalise but I just need some time alone, feel awkward slopping around in my nightwear/no make up etc… in front of them but want to be able to do this before going to work but they get up at 6am so are already up by the time I am. I s’pose I just need to get ready in my room at 6 before going downstairs.

MIL is nice 90% of time but I have been on the receiving end of some disdainful comments/ sulks and looks over the years so think it might be that putting me on edge a bit. It might seem very petty and pathetic but wondering if anyone feels similar at all? I can’t reduce the visit time but is there anything I can do to help me feel better? I know we are lucky to have family who care about us so I feel a bit ungrateful.

They are quite intense and don’t go out at all during their visits unless we go with them. They also kind of follow us (me and DC) to the door and wave from the front step every morning when we leave to go to school/work which seems lovely but really gets to me after two weeks!! when we get home, they kind of leap to open the door to welcome us in so I feel we don’t have a minute to decompress! I do go upstairs to my room for about half an hour some days just so I can have space between work and home. I also try to go somewhere by myself once per week when they are here which helps.

Sorry for rambling but it does feel better to get it out! 🤭🙈

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 24/03/2023 09:59

Crikey that sounds intense OP. That would do my head in too. Can you suggest/plan day trips for them or are they not comfortable to do this? I would be spending large amounts of time in my room. I would also cringe at the door waving. The 10% that you allude to may also be more of an issue than you are willing to say here. But please vent away if it helps. I don't know the answer but it sounds like they are encroaching onto areas that you are not happy with and it is your space.

Cherrysoup · 24/03/2023 10:05

Does your Dh take off the time when they’re here? Would they go to an Airbnb? Is there no other family they could stay with?

Piscesmumma1978 · 24/03/2023 10:23

I'd find them a local air b n b. Just say you think they might be more comfortable there.

It's your home. I wouldn't be able to cope with that twice a year x

Caspianberg · 24/03/2023 10:30

I send ours off on errands.
In laws are better as they can drive so can send them off to get xyz for us or they take Ds off now for morning to park or zoo.

My father is visiting atm for 2 weeks ( we are also a flight away), and doesn’t drive which is fairly limiting here. But I just ask him now to do xyz so he’s not under feet 24/7. Ie yesterday I did have some work to do so I just said to him I’m unavailable 8-12 whilst Ds at nursery, so he went for a walk and then watched a film I think. Today I will drop him with Ds at park, then take myself off to so food shop alone and pick them up afterwards, so I get 45mins to think alone

Boundaries2023 · 24/03/2023 16:20

I like the errands idea…will try that. They like to be helpful too so win-win. 🤭
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond. Really helpful to think it through.

OP posts:
Boundaries2023 · 24/03/2023 16:25

I completely get the Air b n b idea but I think it would be the end of any relationship if I insisted on that. They would not understand at all and would be extremely hurt and offended. I will create a bit of space instead and will also go off to a cafe alone a couple of times! I have sth arranged with friends as well so it gives us all a bit of breathing space.
DH has booked a few days off for this visit (in the summer) so that will help and we will do a few days out somewhere. We do have fun altogether but it is just a bit too much at times for me. Think I have introvert tendencies, overall.

OP posts:
Digestive28 · 24/03/2023 16:28

Can they take the DC somewhere without you. Even do a school run or similar. Sounds like that would be lovely for them and helpful for you.

Almahart · 24/03/2023 16:34

Can you have an unavoidable work trip or hen do and escape for a night?

I totally get it, this would absolutely do my head in.

MeetMyCat · 06/05/2023 08:01

I really couldn’t cope with this OP, what does your DH think? Could you get your post moved to AIBU, for more traffic?

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