Present ideas for friend in very different economic circumstances

[Drei]

A mother at school was very generous to me recently with a special food present. The ingredients alone must have been £20 or so. I suspect it was a bid for friendship so I’m both very touched and really embarrassed, because I know money is very short for her. I’d like to get her something in return as a thank you, but I think my usual failsafes - a bottle of champagne, or a fancy scented candle say - are not appropriate because they’re so out of kilter with her circumstances. I’m lucky to be able to afford fancy presents without blinking, but champagne would be four hours’ wages for her. I also don’t want to be seen to be too extravagant because I think there’s a reciprocal element in her culture that would put unfair pressure on her in the future. However the food gift was very generous - it would cost at least £50 to buy. So I’m looking for ideas. It’s a reverse of the ‘what do you buy someone who has everything?’ What do you buy someone who has comparatively very little?

I would make something nice to eat, something you're really good at eg a tray of brownies or a special dish that you've nailed. I'd give it toher along with a little bag containing a small pamper set - a few nice Chocs, a thoughtfully-chosen book, a small bottle of nail polish and an individual bottle of wine/prosecco.

These are great ideas, thank you. I did think of reciprocating with food but unfortunately I’m not a very good cook!

Could you pay her to do something like that again? As in help her start a side hustle? That way she wouldn't feel like it was charity. Otherwise something useful like a nice bath set ( large sizes) or takeaway voucher?

but champagne would be four hours’ wages for her.

However the food gift was very generous - it would cost at least £50 to buy.

£50 is probably about 4 hours wages, so I think you are over thinking it. Also ‘poor’ people do enjoy fancy scented candles, it’s not posh or OTT. But what you’d think she’d like as a treat, rather than what you think a poor person needs, she clearly made something she thought you’d enjoy rather than worrying about it what that wealthy lady needs.

*buy not but

You’re absolutely right - champagne is equivalent to her present.

I take your point about scented candles but as my DH likes to complain, it’s not unlike setting fire to a £50 note!

What about booking her something you can do together. If you think she is trying to create a friendship it might be nice to go for afternoon tea or something similar. Are you a member of a gym? Can you get her a pass and then have lunch together?

Why would you buy a present to thank her for a present?

Maybe invite her for a drink or coffee and be clear you are paying (if you want to be friends)

Take her out to lunch

If you want to be friends with her invite her to lunch/afternoon tea or just for drinks. Time together is worth far more than a present.

That's if you want to be her friend

If she’s trying to build a friendship I would focus on that rather than the money gift element. It’s likely that she’s pushed the boat out with spending because she knows you’re better off so you don’t want to do anything to escalate.

So you could invite her to yours for coffee and cake/have her over for a play date / invite her for lunch / suggest a walk somewhere etc.

Take her out to lunch.

How about, “your dish was delicious. I’d love to reciprocate, but I’m not a very good cook. How about we have lunch at the corner cafe, my treat?”

don’t suggest someplace especially fancy because you don’t want to suggest that kind of venue is a requirement for a friendship. Just someplace you would normally go for a decent lunch where you can get to know a new friend.

I think that is perfect.

I would either take her out to lunch or tell her you've got a spare voucher for a spa afternoon/pamper session and ask her to come along. I feel like she may not often get to treat herself so something like that might be nice x

It’s not clear from your posts whether you want her as a friend?

What's the context of her giving you the gift?

@Ponderingwindow That’s absolutely perfect. Thank you.

I think that giving her something in return isn't the right thing to do. She wanted to give you something- don't take away from the pleasure she got from that by -can't think of the right word "paying" her for it. You will have thanked her-of course. That's enough. After a little while, invite her to yours for coffee and see if you'll turn out to be friends.

I do give presents to say thank you when friends have gone above and beyond @CurlewKate . I don’t think a card alone would convey my gratitude on this occasion - it wasn’t just the expense but the sheer effort she’d gone to.

But a present to say thank you for a present is weird. Like a thank you card to thank someone for a birthday card. Do you just keep going exchanging gifts indefinitely? That’s why I asked whether you wanted to pursue a friendship with her, or whether that’s all on her side. If you’d like to, doing something that involves time spent together works. If not, I’d just thank her nicely and leave it.

I’d send a thank you text or even a thank you postcard after receiving a birthday card for sure. I didn’t realise that was odd - I thought it was just friendship!

I also think that as you believe she wants to make friends, you should invite her to do something. Even just to come back to yours after school drop off for coffee and a <slice of cake made with the ingredients> would be lovely. Spend some time chatting and become friends.

Love this idea. I've left it way too late as my youngest leaves primary this year.