How to explain

[AuntMargo]

My granddaughter, has never met her father, he is not interested, lives miles away too. She is now 3 and is aware of the word daddy and who they are. We are waiting for the "Wheres my daddy" question and have no idea how to answer.

For this in the same boat how have you dealt with this please.

I'd explain that not everyone has a daddy in their lives. Not sure if that's the right answer, but it's not lying.

I have a cousin who didn't have a daddy, and remember being very young and asking my mother why cousin didn't have a father. I was told he died and I was not to mention it. I'm pretty certain that was a lie, and I never believed it was the truth.
My father started to tell me decades later about cousin's father, but I stopped him - none of my business.

It’s always best to tell children the truth in an age-appropriate way.

Children will tend to assume it was their fault, so make sure you spell out that it wasn’t anything she did wrong.

But also before age 7ish they need to be able to idolise their parents, (it’s just a natural development stage), so don’t bad-mouth her dad or put blame on him too much - her understanding of him not meeting his responsibility to her will develop as she gets older.

Dont see it as a one-and-done conversation - as she grows and develops, her ability to process it will develop. So she might need to have several iterations of the story as she grows, each time with a deeper understanding and making sense of it for herself.

Be led by her questions, don’t overwhelm her. Ask her how she feels about the information you tell her, and reassure her that she’s loved. Acknowledge all of her feelings - sadness, anger, anything, just allow her to say how she feels, listen and don’t judge or make meaning for her.

It will be a grief process for her, but it’s a difficult kind of grief to process with it being the absence of something she needs but has never had. It might come up at times when she sees her friends enjoying relationships with their dads - she might feel a pang of sadness or loss but she might not be sure why. So a gentle little bit of probing with her and helping her join the dots (what she’s feeling to what she’s lost) in those moments might help.

This is what’s worked for my boy after he lost his dad. Don’t be scared of the situation or her feelings. Feelings pass, and having caring adults around her who can help her process them will limit the damage.