So, work has asked us to each to sing or mime part of a song for a colleague who is leaving. It’s a fun and happy idea right?
I have refused and I know my colleagues are all (well some) thinking I’m a spoil sport. Which I guess I am. I’m lucky to work with a few who are closer in my dept, who were really understanding, if disappointed with my firm ‘no’.
But anything like this triggers me terribly. I can’t explain to work obviously - and I feel bad now, as colleagues will be doing it who aren’t keen themselves, but are trying to be a good sport.
A bit of background:
My mother had a friend with a child the same age as me. The friend sent her child singing and dancing lessons. My mum couldn’t afford both, so I got sent dancing. I was forever put up into competition against the friends daughter - both dancing and singing competitions and I couldn’t even hit a note. I felt routinely humiliated.
But it didn’t stop there. After inevitability losing said competitions, I’d be screamed at; called names; made to feel ugly and useless; in some extreme cases I was punched repeatedly and sent to bed early. On one occasion I was made to practice dance moves in the shower naked, whilst being watched for my performance standard. This happened from as early as I can remember and petered out when I hit my mid teens. I get on well with my mum now and it’s long been repented for and forgiven.
But, I can’t ‘perform’ for any reason. Being on stage, in videos, performing in any capacity makes me feel violently ill, horrendously anxious and triggered as it raises awful memories for me. I’m shaking just writing this.
But I look like a miserable git. They can’t possibly understand and I feel sick now.
Sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.