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Original poster

Has anyone convinced mentally ill parent to move?

13 replies

Fifi1010 · 23/03/2023 15:13

My DM is only 57, she's morbidly obese and has severe MH problems She moved to a remote island 10 years ago. She had a care package put in but no staff to fulfil it. I have a 10 year old DD and job down here , DM has no friends where she lives or support network. My siblings have gone NC with her, I'm going up there to help her with life admin as she currently has no clothes that fit and has been wearing a sheet. There's no clothes shops on the island that stock things they fit and she's computer illiterate. I'm having to travel up there next week using my annual leave to sort stuff for her again.

I think she should move back down to England in sheltered housing near to me. My siblings literally do nothing to help !!

OP posts:
QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:02

You do realise you are enabling her behaviour by going up there to sort things out for her?

Harping0n · 23/03/2023 17:06

Unfortunately sometimes you just have to let the crisis come. Could you notify social services? It’s very hard when parents are like this.

Mateyduck · 23/03/2023 17:09

What a nightmare. I think you have to tell her to
move to England or accept life is going to be very tough. You can’t go running up there everytime she has a crisis .

Original poster
Fifi1010 · 23/03/2023 17:10

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:02

You do realise you are enabling her behaviour by going up there to sort things out for her?

She will literally neglect herself to death if I do nothing. She was living with piles of rubbish and eating gone off food. She had a social care package but carer has left and there's no staff who have been recruited. It's a tiny place.

OP posts:
QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:13

I appreciate that, order something online and get it delivered?
I just don't think dropping everything and using your annual leave to sort her out is sending the right message.

Original poster
Fifi1010 · 23/03/2023 17:16

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:13

I appreciate that, order something online and get it delivered?
I just don't think dropping everything and using your annual leave to sort her out is sending the right message.

No because it's not just that she needs help selling her old dilapidated flat. She literally has no independent living skills. The clothes issue if I never show her how to order from the tablet she will expect me to do it forever and she's becoming more dependent as time goes on. She phoned me last night as she couldn't get the tablet to charge.

OP posts:
harkerlee · 23/03/2023 17:17

Does she have any insight into the situation and her care needs at all?

From the outside, it seems obvious that this is not sustainable. She will have to move back to the mainland eventually and all this is just delaying it.

Have you alerted social services to the situation? Local authority have a responsibility here if she is neglecting herself to the extent she is sitting in rubbish and has no clothes.

forrestgreen · 23/03/2023 17:18

I think she isn't ready to accept help because you keep on fixing things.
What can you do online?
Clothes
Food

And then just FaceTime, every time she complains, 'well if you were nearby I could pop over etc'

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:23

@Fifi1010 ah I see, she's worse then than just needing a bit of help to live independently?
Still, it shouldn't all fall to you, especially considering the distance.
It might be worth calling Adult Social Services and telling them you are dropping the ball completely (if they think a relative is available they tend to mess about. It's amazing how quickly they can find at least some care once compliant relatives are not in the picture).
Also consider why you want her to move closer, you will be saddled with her care needs 24/7 once she is 5 minutes down the road.
Do you really want that or do you just feel like you should take care of her?

Original poster
Fifi1010 · 23/03/2023 17:34

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:23

@Fifi1010 ah I see, she's worse then than just needing a bit of help to live independently?
Still, it shouldn't all fall to you, especially considering the distance.
It might be worth calling Adult Social Services and telling them you are dropping the ball completely (if they think a relative is available they tend to mess about. It's amazing how quickly they can find at least some care once compliant relatives are not in the picture).
Also consider why you want her to move closer, you will be saddled with her care needs 24/7 once she is 5 minutes down the road.
Do you really want that or do you just feel like you should take care of her?

I've already called them she has a social worker and social care package. The social worker before Christmas retired no replacement and her carer also quit no replacement the jobs are harder to fill really vs mainland. I don't want to fully care for her but I'm realistic that living on a small island is not sustainable there's no supported living placements there or staff to keep an eye on her.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 23/03/2023 17:39

I think her needs sound like she should be in residential care , they are too great for you to cope with .

mamabear715 · 23/03/2023 17:42

I'd have to agree with @hattie43
It sounds like she needs more help than anyone can realistically give, where she is. :-(

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 17:47

I typed a long message and lost it!
The gist was, call social care and let them find her some assisted living off the island.
It's literally their job, the more you step in the more they will back off to deal with people more 'in need'.
You are not helping her in the long term, your help is just covering up how bad she actually is.

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