If you are/ever have been a manager, please help

[user40816]

DD still suffers with horrendous (now silent) reflux at nearly 11 months old, to the point where she cannot sleep longer than 30 minutes without being disturbed by it. This is every single night. We've paid out nearly £1,000 to various professionals to try and sort it, as well as GP/paediatrics input but nothing has helped; in fact this is the worst it's ever been for no apparent reason.

This means I am woken up by her as often as she is disturbed. I'm under the crisis team for acute episodes of paranoia and delusions brought on by the sleep deprivation, as well as suffering insomnia from the anxiety of thinking I'm only about to be woken up again.

I've requested to take all of my annual leave at the end of my maternity, and am aware that if things are still as they are by the end of that then there's no way I will be fit to work until things improve.

Should I be honest now about the state of things? I don't know if I'm potentially shooting myself in the foot, or whether it'd look worse to only say something down the line.

Advice either way is appreciated.

@user40816 are you planning to go part time? If you are you could extend your annual leave earned full time to give you longer going back.

Definitely talk to your manager and HR. It’s much better to do it early.

Options I would suggest are:

• taking 4 weeks unpaid parental leave
• Going part time (temporarily) and taking your annual leave. This keeps your job but maximises annual leave. For example 37.5 hours a week go to 18.45 hours. 5.6 weeks leave at 37.5 hours gives you 11.2 weeks at 18.45 hours.
• Does your employer offer a career break?
• Are you able to work just 1 or 2 days a week - this would also enable you to extend annual leave.

I assume you have a DH and are not EBF. Could DH take a Friday off? He could look after your DC on Thursday night and Friday while you go to a Premier Inn and just sleep to start to catch up. You could then work the Friday and you and DH could also have one night each (Fri or Sat) to sleep?

I know that sound easy in theory but at some point you need to have some proper sleep. You also need to work with your employer.

You have my sympathy.

Thank you for the detailed reply @Foreversearch

I am requesting to go part time for exactly the reason you state - to lengthen my A/L. I don't know if this will be granted or not yet though as they are already very short staffed and so coy refuse my request for flexible working on operational requirement grounds. We'll see.

Unfortunately we cannot afford for me to be unpaid for any length of time. DP and I are (or were pre-maternity) roughly equal earners. I could request the parental leave at the end if necessary but it going without an income wouldn't be viable for much longer than a month.

We are EBF, and DP works a 4 week rota (different shifts per week). We have tried getting DP to settle DD in all sorts of ways (worked with a sleep consultant to try different approaches) but it results in a lot of crying and screaming, which then exacerbates the issue as she just swallows more air in the process. DP will take her out on his days off so that I can try to get some sleep but I usually can't manage more than a couple of hours of very non-restorative sleep. I do have sedatives prescribed by the GP that help but then they render me equally debilitated for the rest of the day, which is not sustainable either.

I have no problem being honest with my employer and I'm more than happy to be referred to OH if necessary. I do feel we've tried to exhaust all routes by this point otherwise though.

I’d rather know sooner than later. If they have someone in covering your maternity they can have a conversation now about extending their contract, rather than letting them go and then having to manage your requests.

Should you not get signed off sick after your maternity? It sounds really rough on you?

@Allmyplantsdie There's no one covering my job per say, I'm one of hundreds (thousands company wide) of people who do the same role so they're just one person short (along with the other hundred odd vacancies there are).

@HGC2 I could get signed off but I'm fearful that they will potentially start looking to get rid of me, so I'm trying to reason with them by taking the next few months off as annual leave rather than sick.

I would try to wean off BF for a start.

My Ds only slept 30-45min stretches until he was 3, I also had an older child, it was hell one earth but I managed to return to work 3 days a week when he was 1. The only way I managed it though was because dp did 50/50 of everything. I had a very early night and dp would do until midnight, then we'd swap and I'd do until 5am then I'd get another hour or two sleep before everyone got up for the day.
It is doable with a system in place.

Also my son's issues turned out to be dairy and soya allergy, have you tried eliminating diary and soy. It takes 2-3 weeks for the proteins to leave their system completely.

@Invisimamma I'm sorry you can sympathise.

DP can't do 50/50 due to his work; he's out of the house for 14 hours on the days he works which includes 2 hours commute, and he oversees a healthcare department as well working clinically. He is knackered himself when he gets home, let alone then spending several hours helping me. It really wouldn't be safe for him or his patients to attempt to do his role on that little sleep; it's already disturbed as it is as you can still hear DD from the guest room. We have tried him doing the settling before and as I say it just ended up exacerbating the issue.

DD is already dairy, soy, fish and nut free. A private dietician is one of the professionals we've worked with. We know why DD has the reflux but there's nothing really that can be done about it now. She also still swallows the air whether she's BFing, drinking from a cup/bottle or eating (or crying) so I don't think eliminating BF would make any difference to be honest.

I suggested the weaning off BF so that your partner could do more. Sorry your in this situation it must be so difficult. My dp also works shifts in healthcare. We found this was a benefit in a way (although healthcare and shift work has its own challenges!) as he'd have more weekdays off and sometimes didn't start his shift until 12noon or 2pm so he could sleep whilst ds was in childcare. What about an extra day at nursery and just using it to catch up on sleep. It's expensive but could be worth it if it saves your job in the long run.

Don't sacrifice your career for the sake of your partners. Too many women do this.

@user40816 i really feel
for you. I can’t think of any other options given the additional info you have provided.

Talk to your employer and I hope as your DC get older they start to sleep more.