Anyone else end up hating their homes because of the amount of work involved?

[Weddingpuzzle]

I have moved house 7 times since 2014. I was pondering if this was because I have had a lot of upheaval (divorced after DV that involved a broken bone and spirit, a Masters and a new career that means I had to change jobs a lot to climb the ladder) and couldn't settle psychologically but I have come to the conclusion after deep cleaning my bathroom just now that it's because I reach I certain point with houses where I just hate them because I end up having to clean and maintain them to the point where I just don't enjoy living there anymore. It's the grot we create - my 3dc, DP and I. The dust and the hair and the dirt.

They just become another job for me - I can't look past the skirting boards that need dusting, the marked walls that need painting, the cracked tiles that need replacing, the taps that need de grotting, the sealant that needs changing, the carpets that need hoovering, the baths and toilets that need scrubbing and it just saps the joy out of my 'home'. Anyone else get like this? DP and I bought our current house together in 2021 and I thought that home owner ship might be the key but I am already fantasising about moving because it's an old, cold, dusty victorian terrace with a mouldy bathroom that is beautiful but a nightmare to maintain. But I moved from a new build and I hated that too? If you love your home how do you get to love it or was it just a 'thing' that happened immediately and you've never gone off it? Btw, I am aware I am very privileged to even have a home and even more to buy one but I can't unfeel this growing discontent even though I feel so guilty!

Yup. Not me but my DP who's put living a life over maintaining his house and now we are planning to co-habit has a mountain to climb to get it sorted to sell. The huge gap between selling doer upper and one that's 'nice' which means it's got to be done or loose a stack of cash. Fixing up houses is never like it looks in the TV ads for DIY shops.

I feel like this. I have a totally dyspraxic DH and am not any good myself at painting or sealant or any of those things. I end up having to find workmen to fix issues and it’s never ending. Not to mention expensive. I have also been ripped off by some cowboys.

You do one room at a time. You create it to bring you joy. In my bedroom that’s painting my wardrobes a pale acid green (F&B Whirlybird). I makes me smile when I walk in and that is what I am drawn to. That room needs the window edging scraped and refilled, above the picture rails painted. Various things. But my eye is now drawn to the wardrobe and I love it.

You need to recalibrate yourself/ your home this way. Pick a room. Make a change.

Sounds like you’d really benefit from a cleaner, OP? And does your DP pull their weight with the chores?

I hate the daily domestic grind of chores, I empathise. And then ‘home maintenance’ (DIY jobs or repairs etc) is separate to that but also time consuming and money consuming - home ownership is a burden! I’d like to live in a light-filled modern serviced apartment or have a team of handy people and the income to match.

But! You just have to make peace with the fact that daily domestic shit doesn’t end (get a cleaner & a robot hoover & divide chores amongst others) but a clean, well-maintained house is welcoming and worth the effort. Change your internal narrative to housekeeping is an act of love. Pollyanna-ish but effective.

@Weddingpuzzle I felt the same about the last house I was living in with my then husband. Strangely enough once he was gone along with all his filthy clutter I was then able to get rid of a lot of my clutter (which he wouldn't let me dispose of!) and get on with doing the jobs which weren't so daunting with room to work and I didn't resent having to do them.

Do any of the people you live with do their share of household tasks?

DP does his fair share yes, but he does the grunt work of cooking, shopping, laundry, bins and outside maintainance. I pick up the cleaning - floors, bathroom, kitchen, keeping the house tidy. Picking up the grot of human life. We kind of just fell into this. I don't feel it's unequal. DS2 and DD do the bare minimum. The house is clean but I just resent how much it takes to get it this way.

One room at a time is a great idea. I like the idea of taking control and adding the joy. Thanks. Glad to see I am not alone. I am probably not feeling great because I had a hysterectomy 7 weeks ago and it has put me in an early menopause and maybe I am projecting resentment!

How old are DC?
If you have a cordless hoover maybe give them a rota every day to hoover the kitchen and bathroom floor every other day at least. Mine gets tumbleweeds of chest hair and pubes and it's gross.
But I whiz around with the cordless hoover and even do the world tops and table with the brush attachment - takes 5 mins!
They could also take turns wiping the bathroom sink daily - keep a cloth and spray in there.

I am probably not feeling great because I had a hysterectomy 7 weeks ago and it has put me in an early menopause and maybe I am projecting resentment!

Bloody hell, @Weddingpuzzle , no wonder. Could you afford to get a cleaner just to see you through the healing time and then once everyone sees how much happier you are he or she will become a permanent addition.

I have a split personality on this topic.

50 per cent of me feels exactly as you have just described. Me, DH, 2 kids under 5. There's only two days a week we are all out, me and DH both work, we can't afford a cleaner, the house is in a miserable state and I hate it. I don't invite people round cos I am so embarrassed. We used to have a really clean and tidy home before kids and even after DD it was acceptable, but since having DS we just don't have the time and it's awful.

The other 50 per cent of me loves our house, it's our first proper family home, we recently bought it (was renting it before). We couldn't really get a better location (well, not with our budget) and it's a really old house and I love that history side of it. It also does meet our needs, sure we would all love big bedrooms, and a garden, and a drive or whatever but realistically we have a lovely little home and I am very attached to it!

So totally mixed feelings.