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Original poster

Adult DS lies to me all the time

10 replies

GoldZip · 22/03/2023 20:30

Nothing nasty or malicious, just becuase he doesn't want me to know the truth or for a quiet life. Often it's not even that I'd disapprove he just seems to find it easier to tell me something else.

He's 22 and still living at home. None of this stuff is any of my business if he doesn't want to tell me and I'm not going to stop him even if I think it's unwise.

E.g today he "remembered" he'd booked a couple of days off work so has driven 300 miles to visit a friend who's away at Uni. A friend he's barely seen or spoken of in the 4 years since they left school.

I strongly suspect it's something to do with a woman, whcih is fine and if it's early days it's fine that he doesn't want to tell me. But the lying does bother me and I'd like some genuine idea of what part of the country he's in/where to start looking/who to ask if he fails to return!

Other DS is at uni and I've no idea what he's up to from one month to the next, he tells me very little, but at least he doesn't lie so much.

Is this normal? Do I just have to accept it? Will he grow out of it? It's time he wasn't living here probably, but we're in the SE so I think he's stuck here for a while

OP posts:

chatnicknameyousuggested · 22/03/2023 20:38

No advice here, but you have my sympathy. DS has always been a liar, since he was a little boy. I don't know why and I don't know what I have done to help cause it.
It's always such useless, unnecessary things as well - it seems like his default is to lie.

I am sorry OP. I am just ashamed.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 20:44

Have you talked to him about it? I would. I would tell him that he, of course, can do whatever he likes outside of the home, but you find it hurtful that he feels he needs to lie to you. Explain that you aren't expecting details, but him being honest about where he's going would be appreciated.

Original poster

GoldZip · 22/03/2023 20:46

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 20:44

Yes, I've had exactly that conversation several times. He always says he's sorry, he doesn't know why he does it and he'll try not to do it again...

OP posts:

bigbluebus · 22/03/2023 21:42

I've got an adult DS who lies too - although not generally about where he's going. But he lies about things like whether he ate my chocolate bar out of the cupboard when we all know that he did as there's only 3 of us here and DH would rather 'steal' a bag of crisps than a chocolate bar. It's like he's 6 all over again. It's bloody infuriating. Probably learnt it all from watching Boris Johnson!

Copperoliverbear · 22/03/2023 21:49

My husband lies like this constantly and will say he has done something I asked him to do even though I can tell he hasn't. X

Hellohello9 · 22/03/2023 21:58

I think kids who lie tend to come from quite strict / disapproving homes. I say this as a kid who lied!

Are you unconsciously judgemental when he talks to you about stuff? Or did he get “told off” quite a bit when he was younger?

If so, then he’ll probably stop lying to you when he thinks he’s safe from judgement or disapproval or blame.

justasking111 · 22/03/2023 22:11

Hellohello9 · 22/03/2023 21:58

I think kids who lie tend to come from quite strict / disapproving homes. I say this as a kid who lied!

Are you unconsciously judgemental when he talks to you about stuff? Or did he get “told off” quite a bit when he was younger?

If so, then he’ll probably stop lying to you when he thinks he’s safe from judgement or disapproval or blame.

This. Mine would fib because their father was too involved imo. He still is sometimes and I have to rein him in.

The youngest just nods and quietly does his own thing rather like me.

It's a lie of omission.

Stop quizzing him is my advice he's a man now

Doggydarling · 22/03/2023 22:11

Maybe he thinks you're overly interested in what he does or finds you a but judgemental. I lived at home with my parents til I was 30 (I'd a dc at 20 and because I worked I couldn't afford rent, ridiculous system) I'd a great relationship with both my dp's but I do remember lying about a weekend away when I wasn't long seeing a bf because I felt they'd disapprove, I was almost 30 by then (and am married to him now) but it was just easier to lie. I also dated another guy for a full year without my dp's knowing, again I didn't think they'd approve of him, turned out I was wrong about that and they actual became quite fond of him (we stayed friends and my dp's got to know him). It might all stem from just needing privacy/fear of awkward questions/embarrassment of being in the position of needing to explain to you simply because he's still under your roof.

justasking111 · 22/03/2023 22:14

When mine said that they were off somewhere overnight, weekend etc. I'd just say that's great have a good time.

They know I'm a worrier so did text to say arrived safely. But that's all I expected

MayasJam · 22/03/2023 22:16

I do this with my parents and agree it’s about feeling judged. My mum in particular has always had an opinion about any decisions I’ve made. I’ve always felt like anything I’ve done is not good enough and that any decisions I make will be ‘wrong’ in her eyes. Not saying you’re like this OP but that’s my reason for not telling my parents things.

I’ve been dating someone since January, am meeting his parents at the weekend and still haven’t told my parents I’m seeing someone. It feels like more of a self-protection thing for me, rather than deliberately lying to them.

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