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Scattering of ashes

7 replies

Onlyhadonejob · 21/03/2023 20:28

We have arranged a witnessed scattering of my mum's ashes in a few weeks at the cemetery. I have never been involved in one before. Can anyone tell me what happens? Do we say anything at the time? Not sure what to expect.

OP posts:
MumofSpud · 21/03/2023 20:33

No advice but following - I am scattering DH's ashes on what would have been his 50th Birthday in a couple of months.
I haven't really thought about what to say - I think I should prepare something so I don't regret it after
Do you have family found as well who might want to say something?

Matilda1981 · 21/03/2023 20:36

We scattered my dads ashes earlier this year and my sister and her family came along with some of my dads close friends - I said thank you to everyone coming and explained why we were scattering where we were; my brother in law also read a short poem and then we had a moment of reflection while we scattered the ashes. I really thought it all might be a bit weird but it was lovely! We all came back to my house for a glass of wine and a few cakes and sandwiches

Missingthesea · 21/03/2023 20:41

We scattered my brother's ashes a few years ago. (This was in the grounds of the crematorium rather than the cemetery, but I would think it's similar).The staff had put them into a container called a "scatterette" and I helped my SIL pour them into a hole in the ground. Close family were there too. There wasn't a service as such, it was just us, with a member of staff nearby in case we needed any help, but I said a brief Blessing before we left.
HTH.
So sorry for your loss 💐

Onlyhadonejob · 21/03/2023 21:06

Thank you these sound lovely ideas. My brother, sister and mum's sister will be there too. They may want to say something too.

OP posts:
Mckmck123 · 08/06/2023 11:45

Scattered my brothers ashes yesterday by a river in the Lake District as he loved the lake district
feel a bit sad today as I feel a bit like I have left him alone
silly I know

TUCKINGFYP0 · 08/06/2023 12:02

What @Matilda1981 described seems like the usual course of events. I think people do expect something , if you just scatter the ashes it will be over in 30 seconds and you will be looking around at each other wondering what to do next .

So you do want some structure or plan, however simple.

It’s nice to have a few words spoken to remember the person , perhaps a song played or poem read that was special or them or that reminds you of them. Ideally something that celebrates their life, rather than talking about their death.

Some people lay some simple flowers ( not a wreath ) or even one bloom , like a rose.

If you are religious , often people say a prayer together or one person reads a prayer or special verse from a religious text. A quiet moment of personal reflection is alway good.

And then going somewhere for something to eat / drink together. you want to end the day / event feeling that you have happy memories of someone you loved. And you have shared these moments with others who loved them too.

These rituals are important in our grief . It won’t be fun but you want to feel at the end of the day that you are glad you did it and your loved one would have been proud of how well you are all coping.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 08/06/2023 12:11

@Onlyhadonejob if everyone wants to say something, it can be good to encourage everyone to share a story/ event that they think is typical of your mum or sums her up as a person.

what you don’t want is people talking about her final weeks / hours and saying how hard that was for them and how they will alway love her . That will have everyone in tears and falling apart.

If people don’t have any guidance that’s often the kind of things they talk about, because of course that’s how they are feeling right at that time.

and also it ( inadvertently i know ) makes it about the bereaved , their grief and your mums death . When I’m assuming that she had a long and hopefully mostly happy life. She leaves a wonderful legacy of children and perhaps grandchildren, friends, a job or hobby she enjoyed , a garden she tended, a charity she supported etc

You want to remember wonderful and perhaps even funny things about her. No one should be defined and remembered by their final illness and death .

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