Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Are you supposed to tip pallbearers?

20 replies

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/03/2023 20:13

It’s my dad’s funeral tomorrow. My mum said that it used to be a thing that you’d tip the pallbearers if the family weren’t carrying the coffin and she is wondering what we should do. Is this still done? No idea what the etiquette is and I certainly don’t want to be worrying over stuff like that at a time when we are feeling so upset.

OP posts:
Clymene · 21/03/2023 20:16

We were already in the pews when my dad's coffin came in and we didn't see them afterwards so no opportunity to tip.

I wouldn't worry about it. Hope the day goes as well as it can Flowers

Onlyhadonejob · 21/03/2023 20:19

It's not something I have heard of. We certainly didn't at Mother in Laws' funeral. It wasn't an issue so I wouldn't worry about it.

MissMarplesbag · 21/03/2023 20:20

Ask the funeral organisers, they'll be able to advise you on what the etiquette is.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/03/2023 20:21

I've never heard of that. I've only been to Funerals though that the coffin has been carried by family or friends of the family. Funerals are expensive enough now anyway. Your mum will be paying for that service anyway.

helpfulperson · 21/03/2023 20:21

we didn't at my Dad's funeral. It may have been a thing in the past but I don't remember seeing anyone do it recently.

DancingLedgend · 21/03/2023 20:21

I've never heard of this, even though , unfortunately, there have been several family funerals in recent years.

If you're unsure, why not ring the funeral director first thing? They will want the funeral to go as well as it can for you, and will be happy to advise.

mauvish · 21/03/2023 20:21

You can't be popping small change into their pockets during the service.

If you want to tip them, do so by sending something to the funeral directors, to be passed on to them.

Random789 · 21/03/2023 20:21

No, I don't think you need to do this. I hadn't ever heard of this, and I suspect it is something pretty much in the past now.
I think you should put it out of your mind. I'm sure you have enough things to be dealing with at the moment. Sorry for the loss of your dad and I hope the funeral is as you wish it to be.

Schmutter · 21/03/2023 20:23

I think that would be most unseemly!

Redglitter · 21/03/2023 20:24

My friend works for a company that does funerals. If they supply pall bearers it's usually the drivers of the cars and maybe an extra. It's not uncommon for the driver of one car to be given a tip to split between them

But though its appreciated by them its in no way expected or bad form not to

Goodread1 · 21/03/2023 20:26

Hi Op
Sorry about your very recent loss,

No I haven't heard about tipping Pall bearers,

Its a custom that's either died out or perhaps it's only a olde custom still carried out in certain countries, or regions,

PauliesWalnuts · 21/03/2023 20:31

I’m from an Irish catholic family (now in the U.K.) and my dad did it at my mum’s funeral, and I did it at his and my brother’s funerals. Our funeral directors and pall bearers were amazing, so I gave the funeral director £100 to split between the four of them, and £25 for the celebrant who did such a good job at my brother’s service. It was just something I wanted to do.

gogohmm · 21/03/2023 20:31

In the days gone by people would tip because they weren't paid, it was a favour but now they are paid I've never known anyone tip, but there's a thing locally that grateful clients drop off homemade cake to the office for all the staff at the funeral directors (I work closely with them and pop by for cake regularly!)

mondaytosunday · 21/03/2023 20:32

They must be from the funeral home so ask the director there. I don't think so as they will be paid - maybe your mum remembers a time when local people would fill in (meaning not employed by the funeral home) so a tip was a thank you. I'm only guessing mind.

gogohmm · 21/03/2023 20:32

@PauliesWalnuts

If it's a ccof e celebrant we can't accept tips, you can donate to the church of course

PauliesWalnuts · 21/03/2023 20:37

@gogohmm - no, my brother’s funeral was a non-denominational service at the crem as he’d lost his faith. We did donate to the church and tipped the organist for other family funerals.

Original poster
CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/03/2023 20:53

gogohmm · 21/03/2023 20:31

In the days gone by people would tip because they weren't paid, it was a favour but now they are paid I've never known anyone tip, but there's a thing locally that grateful clients drop off homemade cake to the office for all the staff at the funeral directors (I work closely with them and pop by for cake regularly!)

Ah maybe it does stem from the past, with the pallbearers being local people who weren’t paid. It’s my sister and I are who are paying for the funeral and personally my feeling is that I wouldn’t tip as the cost of the pallbearers are detailed in the charges I think, and the whole thing is costing enough as it is. Plus it’s not a burial so no carrying the coffin across a graveyard which I would imagine is quite a difficult task. I’m guessing if I rang the funeral director she would just say there is no right or wrong.

From everyone’s replies I’m guessing that not many people do it these days and it certainly isn’t expected. We will send Thankyou cards. If my mum feels better handing an envelope to the FD to show her appreciation then I suppose she can?

thankyou for everyone’s condolences.

OP posts:
DPotter · 21/03/2023 21:03

We didn't tip the pallbearers at my Mum's funeral a few weeks back.

AmberGer · 21/03/2023 21:07

PauliesWalnuts · 21/03/2023 20:31

I’m from an Irish catholic family (now in the U.K.) and my dad did it at my mum’s funeral, and I did it at his and my brother’s funerals. Our funeral directors and pall bearers were amazing, so I gave the funeral director £100 to split between the four of them, and £25 for the celebrant who did such a good job at my brother’s service. It was just something I wanted to do.

My heritage is Irish Catholic too. My family tip heavily at funerals, undertakers, pall bearers, priest, wherever the wake is held, caterers etc. All receive big tips.

hairymuffet · 22/03/2023 01:19

Scottish here . It's certainly a thing in my family. We usually put money in
envelopes for undertakers / celebrant / singers /Church warden etc . Someone on the sideline gives it on the day , all the church ones to one person and one to the funeral director. Direct family don't deal with it on the day, it's done behind the scenes.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page