Does your child ask friends to adopt them?

[Greensage]

The son of my friends (12yo) asks if I can adopt him every time I come over (3x a year due to distance). He's been asking for years. I'm not sure if it's a phase, something that he just asks everyone or if he's trying to say that he's unhappy. My friends love him very much but have very old fashioned parenting views, including on shouting and disciplining children physically when they're naughty.

Do your children ask to be adopted? How concerned should I be about him?

Before everyone shouts that I need to call SS, we're not in the UK and he won't be removed for this. I'm not sure what I can do. I do gently talk about disciplining my own child and what works for her but no change on their side.

So his parents are physically abusing him? And you're wondering if he's unhappy?

Would you be unhappy if you were beaten when you made a mistake/got something wrong/broke a rule?

It depends how he says it and the context. My mums friend used to visit us and basically spoil us rotten we thought she was so much more fun than our parents and often asked her if we could go and live with her but it was obviously not a serious request.

Where do you live that physical punishment is allowed. Just because he won't be removed from them for it (I'm not sure if they would be here either especially not initially) it doesn't mean you should flag it as a concern with whoever the relevant authorities are where you live.

I am concerned, which is why I started this thread. But I don't know what I can do to help him. Officially I can't do anything.

Tell school.

He's not being beaten but they pinch him. So that's less visible to other people I guess.

Pinching is a cunty thing to do. I'd want to be adopted too.

In my opinion pinching raises the concern level 10 fold compared to if you'd said that they give him a smack if he's naughty. I consider both wrong but a lot of people do smack their children. Pinching is a different level. Personally I'd call their areas childrens social care.

Pinching doesn't seem like physical discipline to me. Seems more like abuse.

If they pinch their child they're really really not good people. You know about the pinching, there could be more abuse that you don't know about. I'd flag it with whatever agencies deal with children where you live, and the child's school. If nothing happens, does the child have any other relatives you could approach for help?

If you’re not in the uk is there a cultural context where pinching is considered usual discipline? Or does it feel unusual in the context of your country?

One thing which you could suggest is that he comes to stay with you for a week on his own? It could help parents out with childcare and be a big adventure for him. I think that by the end of a week without parents present you’ll have a clear idea of whether there is a serious concern or not.

The pinching sounds a bit weird. However, i do remember that as a child of that age, I fantasised about being adopted by my friend's family. I had a loving family of my own. My parents did occasionally use physical punishment, as was normal at that time, but my friend's parents were extremely strict and I'm sure they smacked their children too, so for me it wasn't about the physical chastisement which was quite unremarkable where I grew up. I'm not entirely sure why I was so keen on their set-up, but somehow it just seemed...better. More glamorous (they had spent many years living overseas), a nicer house, lots of older siblings, and her mum made the most amazing, luscious cakes covered in buttercream, whereas my mum tended to stick to Victoria sponges. I was obviously a very shallow child! Anyway, I just wanted to say that this child's reasons for wanting you to adopt him may be as prosaic as mine were and not necessarily indicative that anything is wrong at home.

What country op?

If it were me, and I were confident that the culture meant that no one would intervene to help him...

I'd do all I could to support him myself. As in-
avoid rocking the boat with his parents,
make sure he can visit as often as he likes,
Stay in touch, make sure he can contact you in an emergency,
Offer a friendly adult 'Aunty' mentoring roll, so he can have a loving adult in his life as he grows up.

There are cultures where physical discipline is seen as necessary, and people use it to control their children. Obviously it's not great, but it's seen as the norm and little questioned.

I think this could be the case. They live in a different country/culture and I have seen them pinch the child in a restaurant so it's not been done in secret. My ex was from there and he was beaten as a child when naughty. I think it's normal to them. No idea which school he goes to, but I can find out at my next visit and make an anonymous inquiry. That is a good suggestion.

Honestly, pinching is seen in this country as a sly, deceitful, spiteful, hidden action.
In other countries those things aren't implicit, it's more like what DH calls 'flicking your tabs', something done to a naughty little brother.

I remember a friend of my parents was very touchy feely. She'd hug me, sit me on her lap, cuddle me, long after my mum had stopped. I was a bit uncomfortable, didn't know what to do with myself I was so unused to physical affection. It was nice though. I still remember being folded up by this bosomy woman and cuddled!

Why don't you tell us where in the world your friend is and that might help?

Because they're part of a very small minority group so I'd have to disclose that too. It's not going to happen.