Best way to confront..or play his game?

[Lifeadjustments]

So DP is turning 40 next year, I thought why he’s away for a couple of days I’ll look into a special trip just the 2 of us. I’ve just gone on to booking.com and he’s left his account logged in from when we booked a trip for a few months away with DS. To my surprise he’s got a hotel booked for today, for 2 people ( I know this could be coincidental because some hotel automatically have 2 people as guests)

1. he never mentioned to me he was staying at any hotel, he was supposed to be going to his dads (300 miles away) straight from work.

I called him 30 minutes ago he didn’t answer until 5 minutes ago when all he’s doing is driving and he always answers his phone, he’s supposedly close to his dads at a service station. further investigation I found a special request written by him asking if he could check in early because he’s meeting his partner before they visit his dad in hospital… he was supposedly at work until 4 and this message mentions he will arrive at 12. his dad was in hospital but was released 5 days ago. I’m intrigued to know who the partner is tbh. I took screenshots so he can’t really deny anything when I decide to use it. Next proof I have is…. I have access to his fathers security system ( his and his fathers requ3st, I wasn’t happy about having it) just in case the alarm goes off and DP is at work, I can check what’s happening. So when he calls to tell me he’s arrived, I can have a quick look to see if he’s actually there. I know that doesn’t discount the fact he may have had a quickie with someone during the day and actually drove to his dads after. The hotel was exactly halfway between here and there. I guess I expected him to step out eventually, my libido due to an illness is very far and inbetween, he’s been pretty patient.. but I’ve always told him I would understand if he found someone else but don’t be disrespectful and cheat on me. This year we have been together 19 years. Have 2 kids and I thought we’ve been pretty good. I guess you’ll never know. just wondering what my next steps should be in either situation. I’m usually great at giving others advice not so good at dealing with it myself…

Well, what do you want to do?

My advice would be to make your moves in silence OP, get as much ammunition behind you as you can.
This must be an awful shock for you, and your doing well to stay calm, but if you confront him now he will deny any wrong doing and lie his way out of it.
Your one step ahead of him, keep getting all the evidence you can for now. He thinks he's got one up on you, you can outwit him, just need to stay calm and measured. Easier said than done l know, but it will pay off.

I’d call and ask how the hotel was. I’d tell him I hope it was nice as hell he staying there til he finds somewhere else to live

Definitely don't tell him.

Wait and see if he goes to his dad's. If he's definitely having an affair then make your moves quietly BEFORE telling him.

You don't know what he is planning financially and people get nasty in a divorce.

Or.

Sit him down, tell him you know and are open to an ethically non monogamous relationship as long as he sticks to certain rules. No shame in that 💗

I’m a pretty calm person anyway, if I didn’t have kids I would have told him straight away to do one.

We are not married thank god… not financially linked, we live with my mum so he’s the one that will have trouble finding somewhere else.

If he is at his df's you are no further forward really since he has had chance to hump and dump ow..
Keep shtum until he gets home. Face to face is more likely to get you the truth than phone call. And sorry tmi but clothes /pants may be telling of ow smell
... if he shoves his laundry straight in the washing machine when he doesn't usually..

update….
he’s arrived at his dads, he called to ask me if his car was on the camera when he was pulling up. I’m not sure what to think… I think the most likely option is he went there for the afternoon to get his leg over.. I can’t check his iPad, laptop etc because he’s got it with him. Earliest I can probably do that is Saturday by which time he would have deleted any further evidence.
I guess I’m gonna hide my time.. see what I can find… he’s defo not getting sex anytime soon… I can’t trust he didn’t use protection as I know he has a problem keeping it up with a condom…
might wait until after my birthday so I can get some final things out of him.

Keep a check on that hotel booking thing op. He may stop off on his way back also...

Do you think you know the person involved or do you think it might be a sex worker?

I don’t think it’s anyone I know, could be a random person he’s met online… I like to think it’s not a sex worker…

Your marriage is dead either way so just start making plans

Just kick him out. Don't hang on for a birthday present. Don't even give him a reason. Just tell him it's over.

Why drag this out.
If you don’t need to keep quiet to get ducks in order a bit finances then why not just tell him straight away what you know?

must be a shock. Have you got someone in real life for support.

(My birthday is in a week) I was just joking about that…..im not sure, I guess I wanna be sure that’s he’s defo up to something…. He could say he booked it for someone else… I can’t prove that he didn’t without some hard evidence. I just wanna make sure 100%. There’s kids involved so it will never just be a clear break. DS is autistic and he doesn’t forgive easily, not that I’d tell him the reason but if he knows his dad has done something to hurt me he will never forgive him. I would never stop him seeing the kids, but I get the feeling DS will want nothing to do with him. They argue often as it is, most of the time DP can just say hello and DS gets annoyed with him.

Interesting. Keep us updated on when you confront ❤️

So update….
he stayed at his dads one extra night (didn’t go to a hotel, I checked) he
came straight home..
I’ve pretty much kept a normal facade, he’s not bugg3d me for sex because I’m currently on period so he knows not to bother me or even ask.
I tried checking his phone quickly last night when he went to loo, I checked messages instead of what’s app. He hardly uses text now, I was going to fast as loo is right opposite bedroom so needed to move fast. So dad he’s acted normal, if I hadn’t had seen I’d have had no idea he even done anything like this.
hit the jackpot tonight though… he went out to his pre booked event ( no hotel for this either, coming home tonight as has work tomorrow) I was straight in the room on his iPad where I can access emails, messages, pic etc.
so saw the hotel confirmation bookings on his emails….
also 2 separate messages asking if 2 woman were available. I’m assuming escorts, There’s 2 hours not accounted for… but at the time he text the first woman who noted the girl wouldn’t arrive for 2 hours to when he called me on the road was only an hour so I don’t think he actually did anything, just the intent was there. I’m not sure what happened in the 2 hours I can’t account for… I have overwhelming evidence so he can’t wriggle out of it, got a speech planned out.
another note he gave me cash today to buy me and kids takeaway, I mean he had a wad.. he never has cash, usually transfers to my bank.. I asked him where it came from, he claimed his dad gave it to him because he paid for all the bits needed for his dads house.
he’s messaging me now, having the best Time of his life, he’s waited for this event for about 6 months, unaware of the hell he’s gonna have when he gets home 🙂

Is it the end? Given you live with your mum, will you just chuck him straight out? I’m sorry this is happening to you. 😢

Tbh I’m not really sure, I’m remarkably cool at the moment, I guess I’ll just see how the conversation goes, see wether he lies straight to my face or admits it and tells me about what happened. 19 years and the first time anything like this has happened… or so I think. Even though I don’t agree with what’s he’s done, I know why… my libido has been at an all time low the last year, he’s always horny. I guess he was sexually frustrated, however I have given him an out before, when I just couldn’t get in the mood one evening last year and we had a mini argument, I told him if it’s not enough sex for him he should find someone to fuck him 24/7… he bluntly refused and said he didn’t want that. That was the last time anything cropped up.
I have no doubt he does love me, he’s never given me any reason not to…. Always treated me right, I can’t complain on that front. I have guaranteed place to stay, the only place he will be able to go is back to his dads which is 300 miles away and that’s not fair on the kids either,.

How did he react OP?

Still not home yet…

So finally confronted him, literally asked him if he’d prefer to stay with his family or if he’d prefer a life in hotels fucking escorts with sex on tap 24/7
he literally spilled his guts.
i never lead his answers in anyway, I just asked simple questions for the stuff he didn’t include which wasn’t much after he’d finished telling me. He did ask why I chose to confront him then after he’d had a great day. I said he didn’t really have a leg to stand on, and that I’d been keeping it in since Monday.
so he did go to work, left at 1.30… actually showed me his clock out on line to prove before I asked any questions. He didn’t get to the hotel until around 3.30. He said he sat there for an hour doing nothing before he messaged the 2 agency’s, this matched up with the timing of the messages. He never asked me what I’d seen messages etc, I never told him what I found. He said he felt bad for doing it, and loved me so that’s why he never replied to the agency’s. I did ask him why, he told me he didn’t know several times before adding that he’d just felt low, but whilst waiting for the agency to get back to him he realised he loved me and that’s why he got up and left. I’ve told him it’s his one and only chance. We are still in a bit of a weird place, he’s had to go to work, I have a few more questions to ask, which I will tonight. He can delete what he likes off his devices because I took photos on my phone. So far everything he’s told me matches with what I’ve found. He has no idea I took pictures. He asked me if I deleted the messages off of his iPad, I told him no, that’s not my job, I saw him doing it this morning. I guess we just have to work it out.