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How can I encourage my 32yo sister to get out there?

9 replies

ChocEggsApril · 20/03/2023 18:07

My sister is 32. She was in a relationship for several years with a narcissistic, very wealthy guy who messed with her confidence and left her for a 20 something year old he'd been having an affair with over covid lockdowns.

In the span of a few years she lost her business, fiancé, dog and has been visibly depressed since.

She hasn't been on a single date or gone on any dating apps but is continuously telling me she's depressed to think she may never have children (thought she would have one with ex but he would tell her he wasn't ready and he would let her know when he was - we now know why) even to the extent she's said she would rather die if she can't be a mother.

She's not in a financial position to freeze her eggs. She tells me the idea of dating apps repulse her and all the men on there are out for one thing.

She works from home and barely leaves anymore.

I feel as though her ex has dragged her along for a ride and crushed her self esteem and lead her down the garden path, not really wanting her but not wanting others to have her until he was ready to dispose of her.

I would like some suggestions on how I can help my sister because I love her and hate to see her so broken.

Obviously if she was 25 the concern about meeting someone and becoming a mum would be less of a worry but given that she'll be 33 this year time is ticking a bit so when she says this to me I don't know what to say because I'm not going to lie and pretend that's not true. She's even got a load of neutral baby clothes she's bought through the years and kept in a box. Our mum suggested considering a donor if she's not met anyone by 35 and that just made her breakdown in tears so she's still very sensitive about it all. thanks x

OP posts:
ChocEggsApril · 20/03/2023 18:08

BTW Sorry that's so long. Only just realised its a bit of an eye sore. I'm heading to work so won't be able to reply for a while.

TLDR: My sister is heading towards 33. Single heartbroken and I don't know how I can help. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
JamSandle · 20/03/2023 18:09

How long ago was the breakup? Does she have friends or hobbies? She sound very depressed and may feel too vulnerable to get back out there again. It may be she need to build up other parts of her life slowly first.

JamSandle · 20/03/2023 18:10

I'd keep inviting her to things. See if you can invite people you know (friends and not all couples!) A chance for her to meet people through others.

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Dodgeitornot · 20/03/2023 18:39

I'm not sure what's your rush. Invite her to things, help her build her confidence. Not sure rushing into a relationship and having a baby is really in her best interest. A baby and relationship doesn't fix the trauma from what she's been through nor will it solve the depression.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2023 18:45

Have you gently spoken to her saying that if she does stay in and work from home and not give online dating a chance or real-life meeting people a chance her thoughts about her life's future will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And wouldn't it be better to look back on her 30s as being full of happenings. That her despicable ex has already sapped so much from her he really doesn't deserve to take more and that he is just one man.

ChocEggsApril · 20/03/2023 19:20

They broke up almost 3 years ago I think now. She is depressed and its combo between lots of knocks combined with being housebound due to work. She's realising she wasted time loving and being devoted to user who is now having his fun with a much younger woman and not giving her second thohught. I actually hate him

She has two friends. Neither live close. Both busy with their own families. In terms of hobbies I'm not sure but she does do a lot of baking and is very good at that. And somehow manages to stay slim unlike me.

From what she says it appears she thinks this is it for her. She's internalised a lot of his misogyny and thinks she's heading towards her use by date and if she doesn't hurry up and meet someone and have children her life will be over so we're trying to help... its also scary when she says she'd rather be dead than childless forever so I worry what if she doesn't meet someone. Idk

OP posts:
JamSandle · 20/03/2023 20:09

Like you say, it sounds like she's absorbed a lot of warped and destructive messaging which is keeping her self esteem low. I would try to keep lifting her up in whatever small ways you can. She might noe be open to either but antidepressants and therapy could really help.

mafiamanager · 21/03/2023 17:03

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mafiamanager · 21/03/2023 17:07

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