Overheard a conversation in public where there was clearly an abusive relationship going on

[Fightingitoff]

We were waiting for a train earlier this afternoon, and there was a couple waiting on the platform where the husband was speaking to his wife in a very condescending tone. I’m not going to go into the full conversation, but having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, it was clear to me what was going on. The thing is there were no raised voices, just a lot of blaming her for everything and saying she needed to work on herself etc. If you’ve been there yourself then you just know.

I was so shocked by the way he was speaking to her, I wanted to go up to him and give him a piece of my mind because he was being a complete wanker, but I didn’t. Part of me chickened out of it, and part of me realised that it wouldn’t achieve anything in that moment, and that it could make things worse as he’d only blame her for it and make things worse for her later.

I asked my DH about it afterwards and he agreed, so it wasn’t just me imagining things.

I really feel for this poor woman. I also feel bad that I didn’t do anything to help. What could I have done?

It’s not the first time I’ve seen such a thing either. I remember another incident from a few years ago.

Is there anything we can actually do in these situations, where we see it in public but other people might just interpret it as an average couple having an argument?

I hear you. It's really difficult, isn't it? I seem to recall the most I managed in this situation was to give the man a hard stare so that he was aware that I had heard him. Similarly to you, I'm pretty sure there weren't other people around otherwise I might have been bolder. But as you say, the worry about making it worse for the woman is very real.

There's also the possibility of men like that really kicking off.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. I remember once being at a local gig and my male friend was talking to a woman because he thought he recognised her (he wasn't flirting, had a wife and kids at home and was genuinely just being friendly) and when her boyfriend got out of the bathroom he put his arm around her and told my friend to 'get the fuck away' from his girlfriend stating that she was his. She just stood there looking at the floor. Was awful and he was clearly abusive but in that situation there's not a lot you can do. If you do speak your mind it would likely make things worse or end up as a fight.

It's a tricky one. I too have been in an abusive marriage for a long time and I was that woman being 'put in her place' in public. I think if I were to see such a scenario and I could safely speak to the woman then I would give her the number of an organisation that truly changed my life around. I don't think there is much point in addressing an abuser about his behaviour but I could be wrong, maybe they need to be told/challenged (by other men especially?). And the fact of the matter is the woman may not appreciate our help, she may not be ready to hear it. As difficult as it can be for others to see - you need to reach that point yourself.

In the very unlikely event that the woman is reading this: I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I wish I could do something to help you. Please, you should seriously consider leaving him. There are organisations who can help. You were waiting for a train into town at some point after 3pm this afternoon.

A friend of mine is in an abusive relationship of this sort. She is choosing to stay in the relationship for practical reasons. I think this is a really common situation.

Exactly, and it’s often for financial reasons I know, but often because they’re too scared to leave, or they’re just so run down by it all.

Emotional abuse is real abuse. There doesn’t have to be violence involved for it to be considered abuse.

I saw this exact thing at a mainline London station a few months back. Didn't know what to do but kind of looked over few times so that they knew I'd seen, but just short of staring and setting off a confrontation. The guy seemed to let up a bit. I thought it might help the woman to know she was seen and that his behaviour wasn't right.

I stuck my head out of my window once, it was after the pubs shut and a young lady was in floods of tears as her boyfriend was really laying into her, can't remember why now. I basically told him he was an arsehole for talking to her like that and he should go home, I then told the young lady that she didn't have to put up with his shit and that she could do better.
If I was outside I'm not sure I would have said anything.

I wouldn’t say anything you will make it worse and she is not going to leave him because some random stranger told her to

I saw a chap being very aggressive to his gf/wife outside a shop, he was being very nasty to her and blaming her for something. She looked embarrassed, but he wouldn't let her speak, kept raising his voice and talking over her. Anyhow, I wrote my number on a card, walked up to the lady and said 'Oh hi, how are you?' as though I knew her, and I think the lady understood what I was trying to do and just mumbled ''oh fine thanks' or something like that. I then made some general comments about not seeing her for a while and 'we must keep in touch, here let me give you my number, call me any time'
Well she didn't ever ring me, but it did stop the bloke talking to her nastily. I hadn't wanted to confront him cos he was about twice the size of me and I was on my own, but that was all I could think to do, and thought she could ring me if she wanted, later.

What a lovely thing to do

Oh it’s so hard :( I wish it were possible to slip another woman a note, or give her a signal that she’s supported and that nothing he is saying is true.
we need a secret language.

oh well done! Look

Sorry, I don’t know what that “look” is, or how it attached itself to my post 🤨

I also know two women like this, they're not willing to accept the financial drop that divorce brings. I think if there was parity of earnings in this country that a lot more women would divorce.

I had this once and still feel awful that I couldn't do anything. I was in a cafe on my own with my then toddler and at a nearby table was a couple and she was absolutely vile to him. Had I not been on my own with a toddler, I'd have snuck off and spoken to him on one of the many times she sent him off to do something which she did multiple times. Again, someone else who wanted to say something but didn't in fear of making things worse. They also had a young baby 😔

I did intervene once and asked the woman if she was ok and said to the man it was wasn’t ok to speak to her in that way. He asked what I was talking about. I doubt it made any difference in a positive way, and hope it didn’t make things worse.

Really annoys me when people see things like this, and do nothing. Bystander apathy is a scourge.

Don't stand by, STEP IN AND SAY SOMETHING, even if it's just to say hello.

And yes I have stepped into situations like this before, if it was someone important to you who was suffering, you'd hope someone would step in and help.

That's a lovely thing to do. Thank you!

I have no problem standing up to men, I'm as mouthy as they come when the situation is needed, but when you're in that situation you have to think things through. If they're this bad in public, they're worse behind closed doors. You could be making a situation much much worse by confronting the abuser. I love the slipping them a note though, I'll remember that.

There is another issue with that, which is that if you challenge an abuser’s behaviour in public then he might learn better to keep up appearances in public, which means the abuse becomes more hidden and he’ll escalate the abuse behind closed doors, which makes it even harder to get help.

There are so many abuse situations where other people say “Abuse from Bob? Really? But he’s such a nice guy, a really charming man” and that explains why a lot of victims aren’t believed. A lot of abusers are charming in public. If you call out their public behaviour for not being charming, you run the risk that they’ll make a point of becoming more sly, and more charming next time, making the abuse become even more hidden.

On the subject of organisations who can help, this is why you sometimes see them advertised on the inside of toilet door cubicles, because sometimes it’s the only place a victim gets a moment of privacy, the only way of communicating the message without the abuser being there.

This happened to me once. Ex kicked over my bike and booted my bike helmet across a crowded street. A random woman asked if I was ok and called him a dickhead. This started my escape plan. That woman will never know what that one conversation meant to me!

Divert the woman away ? Excuse me, can you help, I feel really faint, would you just come to the ladies with me? I’m really scared to go on my own.
Then say you’ve been in her position, please speak to Woman’s Aid ?