Reconnecting with father

[notmyeelname]

I have recently reconnected with my father after 15 years + NC. I’m now in my late twenties and he is approaching 65.

I want to work on our relationship, previous issues aside, but I have no context for what a “normal” relationship with a father looks like. The last time we spent any real time together I was a young child.

I’m very close to my mother and can’t really use my relationship with her as a blueprint.

Has anyone had experience of reconnecting with a parent after a long period of no contact? If so, how often do you see each other and what do you do when spending time together?

Name changed as I’m concerned that this is a bit outing!

I would say it depends on why you were NC? why are you reconnecting now? how close do you live? Do you have children that you want him to have relationship with? Do you know much about him (have other people in your family been in touch with him over the years or is he a virtual stranger?)

My father was/is extremely emotionally immature and so I had to be very careful with my boundaries when establishing contact after a period of LC and then NC. I would say I am back to LC. Short visits every 4-6 weeks (we live in the same area). I no longer make my children see him if they don't want to.

Dd's df walked away when she was 2.

Reconnected when she was 21.
He had gone on to have another dd when she was 10. Dd tried to make some sort of relationship with both of them. She felt absolutely no bond with him and tbh her dsis wasn't interested in having a dsis.
Dd actually told him she felt it awkward and a waste of her precious spare time to keep meeting up. Prob once every few months for a meal. He paid.. But sat talking about how much he had spent on the dsis. Even after handing dd a birthday card with a tenner in.. Not about the money but he also didn't hold both his dd's in the same way..
Dd isn't bothered at all.

@NCGrandParent We have been NC due to his struggle with addiction and related behaviour which resulted in my parents’ divorce. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD linked to his behaviour when I was a child.

I believe he has his addiction under control and he has been clean for a significant period. There’s a lot of water under the bridge - nothing is going to undo his behaviour, but I have had a lot of therapy, and I would like us to turn over a new page.

We live very far apart (different countries) although he visits the city I live in infrequently. I don’t know very much about him. I don’t have any children or any living family members (aside from my mother, no chance of them reconciling) to compare to!

Well done on your work. That is a lot to process and come through.

I am not sure it is helpful to think about "how do I do a "normal" father/daughter relationship?" You don't know him. He is your biological father but hasn't been a parent to you for many years. Can you imagine it being like meeting a distant uncle? That is how I always thought of my father. Like a distant relative who had certain ties to me but didn't really know me and I didn't know him. So polite neutral conversations at first until you get to know him and assess whether he is "safe" (psychologically). Don't invite him in to your personal space. Meet in a café for 45mins/1hr. Arrange meetings not too regularly so you can keep things within your control and not to a set timetable. And if it doesn't feel comfortable - stop.

Over time, if all goes well, you will establish your own relationship with him. There is no such thing as normal.