Would you be disappointed if your engagement wasn’t a surprise?

[diyitall]

NC for this in case she sees the post and recognises it’s me! Settling a debate between myself and a friend.

To be fair to her you do see all these perfect surprise proposals these days… would you be upset if you knew when yours was going to occur or if it wasn’t in an overly romantic setting? Honest answers only :)

I wasn't fussed at all that it wasn't a surprise. Me and my now DH spoke for a good while about getting engaged. We'd been together since we were 17. We went to a jewellers together to pick out my ring - I told him the style I liked but he said he'd much rather I picked it myself. Because my fingers were ridiculously skinny the ring had to be ordered in so he planned to not tell me when it was ready to pick up or when/how he was going to propose. Unfortunately for him I had worked out exactly where he was going to propose and the day he planned to do it I wasn't in a great mood and he was being very persistent in trying to get me out of the house for a walk. Didn't take me long to work out exactly why he was being so persistent and outright asked him if he had the ring... he is a rubbish liar so just said "yes but I'd still like to properly propose at xxx so please will you just come" 😂

Didn’t have an engagement. Decided to get married. Got married.

As above.

Just get married, we were engaged few months before we got married. This is the important bit

Exactly! If a proposal is genuinely a big surprise then it’s probably unwanted or at least the wrong timing.

My proposal was a total surprise, we hadn't been together very long. He told a few friends he was planning it, they thought he was mad, suggested I might say no. But he did it anyway, that was nearly 25 years ago.

I'd have hated it. I'm more substance over style. Luckily my husband of 30 years is too 💕

I get decision paralysis. I’d panic and my default is NO!
I would hate it to be a surprise. There again. Seeing as I’m not even with someone that would be one hell of a surprise!

No, getting married isn't something to be surprised about. It is a decision that should be discussed sensibly and decided upon two parties equally.

Why should men hold all the cards on this? Especially given that women tend to be disadvantaged by not marrying. If we want to improve women's lives we should absolutely resist the idea that proposals should be surprises sprung upon us by men.

Mine was a bit of surprise, but no, I wouldn't want one that would surprise me completely, especially in public place and with someone recording it for social media, as people sometimes do. Crazy.

No! We just had a chat and agreed it together!

When I was young, I thought marriage proposals were supposed to be a surprise. That's what we see in TV and film.

But. What I came to realise is that a proposal should be just that. Not a "will you marry me?" Yes no question. But it should be a proposal that is discussed mutually with all expectations of what the marriage will look like.

Will you have children? Will you buy a house? What will the domestic labour split be? What will the childcare expectations? Pension, wills, old age.

Who in their right mind enters into a legal contract without reading the terms?

Absolutely no, it should not be a surprise and a mystery. My mother married three times in her life and every marriages was absolutely horrific for her. She was treated like a domestic servant, she was miserable.

I married at age 42 after having an ongoing discussion about what we wanted from marriage. We discussed all of the above. We are in year three of marriage and we are both very happy.

However! We did also discuss a traditional proposal so we chose the ring together (a blue John stone!) Then I waited patiently for a "surprise" proposal.

He took me to the restaurant where we had our first date. After dessert. He read me a poem he had written, then got down on one knee, and proposed with the ring we chose together.

It was absolutely magical and we both cried with happiness. Of course I said yes because I was confident I knew what the marriage was going to look like.

Just sat here looking at the baby we made, in the gorgeous house we now live in. Couldn't be happier!

As marriage is quite a grown up thing to do, I would hope it wasn’t staged like a surprise sweet sixteen contrived birthday party. There ain’t anything romantic about ‘planning’ romance.

The first time dh proposed it came as a surprise given we'd been together 6 hours or so. I was so surprised in fact I would have fallen out of the single bed we were squished in, had he not grabbed me. I said no. I also said no to the next six? Then he carried me down a volcano after I twisted my ankle and threw me back into the saddle of my horse so the next time he asked I said yes. We organised everything together including the ring I rarely wear. I would have hated a big public scene.

On the contrary, the marriages that are the most stable within our circle of family and friends are those which were mutually decided on and didn’t involve surprise engagements etc. Mine included in that actually - we sat down and agreed we would be getting married on a specific date later that year, DH wanted to buy me an engagement ring as a symbol of our intention which we picked together and he purchased as was his wish.

Of course that’s my anecdotal evidence only, but engagements that happen as a complete and utter surprise seem to often, but not always, to be in response to relationship difficulties, infidelity (known or unknown) etc. A marriage is a mutually agreed upon contract between two adults who should be deciding on that massive step together, it’s not a surprise party…

I don't like surprises and I'm not particularly romantic, my preference would be saying something like "I was wondering if we might think about getting married" and take the discussion from there. Honestly I'd have died of embarrassment and probably said no if DH had gone down on one knee in public. Luckily he knows me well enough not to have done so.

I opened a letter from our house insurance company thanking us for updating our policy? I scanned the contents and saw our premium had gone up £75 for the addition of an item of jewellery… that’s when I knew the proposal would be coming!!!

DP "I suppose we'd better get married then?"
As we were walking across the carpark back to the car after registering our daughters birth.
Me "is that a proposal?"
DP "Yep"
Me "okay"

Happily married and making memories day in, day out.

I think if you have a partner who knows you enough to become engaged, he'll know what you want. A public proposal is so tacky in my eyes. I loved the way DH handled ours very privately. It was a complete surprise with a ring I still love thirty years later.
DS has just proposed to his partner of ten years. Whilst they want to be married before the start a family and have discussed it, he still managed to surprise his fiancée who definitely wanted an Instagram worthy proposal. He did it on holiday on a private beach a few days before her Birthday. She had no idea he'd been nervously carrying the ring for days and was absolutely thrilled. Even after ten years together there can still be romance and surprises.

I wouldn’t like it. To me being in a relationship is talking about things and deciding on key things together. We talked about getting married, then did it a month later. We chose our rings together, it was great and felt so romantic. But, we have a relationship where we are 50/50 in everything. To me it’s a bit like thinking you both want to have a baby, not discussing it, then announcing a surprise pregnancy.

No, definitely wouldn't matter if it wasn't a surprise, as long as it was special and thoughtful. When dh and I got engaged, it wasn't a surprise in the sense that I didn't know it was coming - we decided to get married and we bought the ring together. I knew he was going to propose though I didn't know when.

So in that sense it was a 'surprise' as I didn't know the exact date, only that it would be in the next month or so. He did a really good job of convincing me that he had a training to go to on a Saturday for work, but wanted us to go for a nice walk in the morning before he left for the training. So actually I didn't expect it was going to be then because I knew he had this training to go to as soon as we got back. Actually, the 'training' was a lie and we were going away for 2 nights to celebrate getting engaged.

I think what matters is that two people talk about it and decide what they want. If they know they want to get married and they just want to go buy a ring(s) and be engaged, great. If one or both really wants a surprise, then surprise them, great. There's no one way to go about it, but in a relationship, people should be able to discuss these things and decide what feels right for them (doesn't matter if it's right for anyone else).

We just got engaged at home after dinner, zero fanfare - and thank god. Would have hated anything in public or overblown. It was a bit of a surprise but not shocking.

It really isn't old fashioned to have a big performance proposal. Really old fashioned would be asking her Dad and then informing her she was to be married. (Don't do this!). 1960's old fashioned would be asking her 'Shall we get married?', then choosing a ring together. Performance proposals have only existed since social media. And they are as self indulgent as heck.

My now DH went Christmas shopping, he phoned and asked what I would like and I said an engagement ring so that’s what he bought!
That was nearly 30 years ago.