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Original poster

Can you tell who has deleted you on Facebook (and when?)

55 replies

polka6 · 19/03/2023 19:53

Social media can be so odd.. in that it can have a negative impact on your mental state unexpectedly.

Just noticed someone I was once friends with has clearly unfriended me. I have no idea when or why. We still have a lot of mutual friends. No hard feelings - we were colleagues some years ago and have both moved away from where we worked. This is the kind of thing I used SM for - staying in touch virtually with people that you were once close to but life has meant you've taken separate paths. Oddly found it hurtful that I've been axed but some others from this "era" /workplace have not.

I noticed something similar with someone else recently. I didn't know I'd been unfriended. They were tagged in photo uploaded by a mutual friend. Clicked on them, noticed we are no longer FB friends.

I don't delete people (neither do I add to be honest). So it seems a shame that people have added and deleted me. Which made me wonder who else may have done this... is there a way to find out? I think you used to be able to "view friendship"

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 20/03/2023 09:04

I can't understand why you would be facebook friends with someone you couldn't message. Confused
I use FB quite a lot, and I don't want to be sharing things with people I wasn't close enough to message. That would be odd.
I go through my friends list every now and then and delete people when we have drifted apart, or drifted away from whatever connected us in the first place - in you case your work.
Some people I used to work with, I do stay in touch with, because we were particularly friendly and connected as more than colleagues, or sometimes because we've 'connected' more so since having social media, but sometimes people I shared some volunteering with, or a hobby with and that was our only connection, and then one of us left, I would delete.
I'm not into collect 'numbers' of people, I only connect with people I am in touch with one way or another.

SouthCountryGirl · 20/03/2023 09:04

I unfriended someone - we were friends for 6 months. In those 6 months we had a conversation which just pissed me off. (He asked if I was going somewhere. He couldn't understand why I couldn't get somewhere 6 hours away that was remote - I don't drive)

I unfriended him a few months later. This appeared to offend him and he kept pestering me about it. I blocked him.

I do unfriend people I've not interacted with in some time

Original poster
polka6 · 20/03/2023 09:04

I dont think I would have annoyed anyone really - I have no kids or pets, dont share political views. To be honest, I don't really post... maybe a couple of times a year, sometimes not even that.

I remember once (years ago) when I was at university, someone from home said they were in my city and asked to stay at mine - sure no problem. After a few drinks told me theyd deleted me because the photos were I think they used the word annoying.

I didnt know I was deleted (this was a school friend), perhaps I wouldnt have let them stay at mine or had drinks with them in my city had I known. The "annoying photos" would have been photos I have been tagged in by others while at university, maybe freshers or nights out. This friend then refriended me, there a was a photo of us out that evening on SM. A while later, I noticed I was deleted.

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 20/03/2023 09:06

OP I only have people I would message. Try and think it isn’t about you, it’s about them. There’s so many reasons why this can happen, normally it’s just Jeez I have 200 friends and I’m only actually proper friends with 10 of them so I’m going to trim my list.
If social media is giving you negative vibes then use it less.

Original poster
polka6 · 20/03/2023 09:07

Perhaps I should go on an unfriending spree... I suspect I would have no feed on social media then. Most people I like/care about dont really post much these days.

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 20/03/2023 09:07

Oh and I delete all non posters, I don’t want them seeing my stuff if they don’t share theirs.

CryptoQueen · 20/03/2023 09:09

That has just prompted me to have a quick clear out! The reasons for keeping/ disconnecting can vary so widely. One has been kept because, despite only having met him once, I like the photos that he takes of interesting places. One has been ditched because of her lack of critical thinking. One has been let go because she rarely posts. Three were ditched because I think they were cloned and I couldn’t identify the right one!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 20/03/2023 09:11

polka6 · 20/03/2023 09:07

Perhaps I should go on an unfriending spree... I suspect I would have no feed on social media then. Most people I like/care about dont really post much these days.

Why would you want to see posts from people you don’t like or care about?

This is what is wrong with social media, IMO

Picklypickles · 20/03/2023 09:12

I deleted most of my FB friends a few years back, I decided I was spending too much time scrolling through posts from old school friends/colleagues/aquaintances etc most of whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in years and I was missing posts from family and close friends that were lost in amongst all the 792 holiday snaps and "inspirational" posts or rants etc from all the other people!

I now only have family and a few close friends on there and I prefer it that way!

MarriedMama23 · 20/03/2023 09:15

It is my prerogative to delete/block whoever I want. I do not have to explain myself to anyone.

UsingChangeofName · 20/03/2023 09:18

I dont think I would have annoyed anyone really - I have no kids or pets, dont share political views. To be honest, I don't really post... maybe a couple of times a year, sometimes not even that.

Well, there's your answer.
You aren't interacting with them in any way.
It's like going out for a drink or a meal or being at a party and standing scanning the room, watching people, but not contributing to the socialising in any way.
You'd be on my 'delete' list too.
Can you not see that it is odd to want to watch people / peer into their world, but remain silent and pretend you aren't really watching them?

2chocolateoranges · 20/03/2023 09:24

Don’t feel bad, I keep my friends to a minimum on Facebook. However I do a defriending every once in a while of people who don’t chat or comment or interact with me through Facebook. I

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 20/03/2023 09:25

yeah, totally agree that this is not about you, but about how they choose to manage their social media. In the early years of social media I definitely overshared/overfriended. Then I became increasingly uncomfortable with sharing information with people I don't see in real life. While I completely get that some people love SM for that very reason, it's not for me. So I have very pared down socials.

If I want a clear out I tend to deactivate my account completely straight afterwards for a few weeks, so that if people look for me I've gone altogether.

SheilaFentiman · 20/03/2023 09:31

Yes, if you only post a couple of times a year, I might unfriend you too. I post every few days. If I don’t see you in my feed, I would probably assume you don’t really use FB.

Peridot1 · 20/03/2023 09:33

I need to do a bit of a clear out too. I feel a bit intrusive seeing posts from people I am not in regular contact with.

I don’t post much these days either so I assume I’ll be deleted by people too.

SheilaFentiman · 20/03/2023 09:36

And honestly, FB is much crapper these days with ads and stuff - people are just in there less

Original poster
polka6 · 20/03/2023 09:36

@UsingChangeofName
Only, I don't see it like that at all. When I do go out for a meal or drink etc, I engage with everyone! Including people I don't know (went to a friends birthday party this weekend and engaged with obviously those I know but also her family/friends who Ive never met) meanwhile some people sat in their own little corner the whole time and took 500 pics which were later uploaded on social media. I took 1 blurry photo.

It just doesnt occur to me to take photos when I'm socialising, even less to post it on social media. The odd times I do take a decent photo, I try to do something meaningful with it, maybe get it printed/gift it etc. Also noticed when I go to peoples houses - their walls are covered with the same photos I've seen on their SM.

I dont see it as standing on the edge and "peering into their life". As I say, many of my closer friends don't post much either - I can appreciate we are all different, some post a lot and some not so much. I very rarely want to share something with ALL of social media.. If I see something funny or relevant to a friend, I'll personally message them. Other than major life events, I cant think of much else I'd want to share with everyone. I definitely know others like this who will share that theyve got engaged/married/graduate/holidays etc. Ive just never been the type to broadcast most of my thoughts or post a photo of each meal I eat.

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 20/03/2023 09:40

OP it’s really not personal, probably someone is scrolling through their list and thinks hey Polka doesn’t post much if at all, I expect they don’t use Facebook anymore so I’ll delete them. That decision gets about two seconds of thought and they move onto the next person in the list.

EspeciallyDedicated · 20/03/2023 09:40

I agree it's about how they use SM. I also have a "would I say hello in the street" type thing going on for people I know IRL but I also add people from groups I'm in and don't know IRL. I do post reasonably regularly because I do think it's only fair if I'm looking at other people's stuff that I post too, mostly just photos of places I've been, nothing very private. But I do have a clearout every now and then, nothing personal (unless they are posting stuff I find offensive). Lots of people I was once FB friends with have defriended me over the years, it is what it is.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 20/03/2023 09:43

Also noticed when I go to peoples houses - their walls are covered with the same photos I've seen on their SM.

This is a bit weird, tbh. You don’t post but you notice what others post in great detail. Can’t really see why this is causing you so much of an issue, you seem more upset than you need to be, considering you said you don’t like or care about most of them.

I’ve just has a massive clear out on the back of this thread, feels good!

Tourmalines · 20/03/2023 09:44

If you don’t press ‘like’ on their posts , they see this as ignoring them . They see you as no use . Someone people are just there for milking as many likes as they can muster .

BugLight · 20/03/2023 09:52

I stopped all social media after being hospitalised by abuse

fb account is still there but i’ve only looked at messenger a couple of times, to respond to old friends, maybe 4 times in as many years

i’m sure some people might be disappointed but not enough to make any effort to find out why i disappeared

and i’ve not missed it so now i’m doing better i’m still unlikely to use it again

not deleted as too many other things seem more urgent so it just sits there on private not taking much, if any, headspace

howdyhey · 20/03/2023 10:43

I was shocked and miserable when one of my best childhood friends unfriended me but kept everyone else. Even though she had emigrated and we only interacted on facebook, I felt stung that she had decided she was never going to interact with me again. We had been best mates, so to sever the only remaining form of contact we had seemed pretty savage, to be honest. Then, I remembered she could actually be an incredibly impulsive and selfish person so whatever the reason she removed me, it was probably more to do with her own petty irritations that it was to do with me.

Original poster
polka6 · 20/03/2023 12:17

@howdyhey this is basically how I felt. I thought this was the point of SM - a way to be in the loop with family/friends, particularly those far away. I don't need to see daily photos of meals or selfies from nights out of people I frequently see. I also think its quite rare that you need to announce something to everyone - surely you direct message whoever it concerns whether individually or in a group?

To me deleting someone off FB felt like a permanent removal, cutting the only bit of interaction you have with someone from a different phase of your life be it when living abroad or university or old job etc. I almost appreciated seeing those posts the most as I'd have no other way of knowing what theyre up to unlike the friends/family I see often off social media.

OP posts:
ComeOnYouSummer · 20/03/2023 12:52

But do you need to see the photos from someone to you went to uni with who now isn’t a friend?