PND or acceptable sadness?

[Merrow]

I gave birth at 27w4 and was not in a good place in the immediate aftermath. I was sorted out with a pretty urgent referral to the mental health team, and I'm still technically under their care. I had a lot of offers of medication for PND in the early days/weeks and I refused it (rightly or wrongly) as I felt what I was experiencing was because of the circumstances I was in and medication wouldn't change them.

It's now been just over 3 months and DS2 has been home from hospital a few days. He's done amazingly well, and is currently feeding away and when I'm not looking at my phone I'm admiring his beautiful ear. No issues at all with bonding after those initial days, and while I've been anxious over the past few months it has seemed pretty appropriate to the situation rather than anything concerning. It's absolutely amazing that he's home, and the time in hospital already feels like some weird fever dream.

However, I do still feel a sort of grief for my third trimester. I'm sad that DS1 never felt the baby kick inside me, that I didn't get so large that people would think to offer me a seat on public transport. Silly things that it didn't even occur to me think I'd be bothered about. Obviously there's some practical underlying points - DS2 does have some health conditions that he wouldn't have if I'd managed to carry him to term, and god knows what future issues will occur because of his prematurity. But it's not those thoughts that are the ones that fill me with a sort of quiet sadness. I'll never be comically large, I'll never know if I would have developed a waddle. I've never felt a contraction. And none of this makes me feel like less of a mother or anything like that, and the thoughts certainly aren't all consuming, but it does make me sad when I think about it.

I've a meeting with the mental health team next week and I'm not entirely sure if I need any help, or what help I'd even ask for. Again, it doesn't feel like something that medication is the solution for, but maybe it is unusual to still be thinking these kind of thoughts months later. DP tries to be understanding but to be honest doesn't understand, and my family is the same - from their perspective the main thing is that DS2 is here and doing really well, and the fact that my hips didn't change shape is a silver lining.

no answers, sorry, just sending you love and best wishes, and congratulations on your beautiful baby

I've never had a premature baby so not sure if there are specific challenges for that but I know when I had a start of lockdown baby I really struggled with the loss of control and of what I'd reasonably expected. Speaking to friends, they've said the same. I think there may also have been a shade of PTSD in there too that didn't help beacuse I kept reliving it but am very hesitant to formally diagnose it. Presumably this would be expected to a far greater extent with a very premature baby?

Personally after a couple of years I realised I wasn't going to just get over it and got therapy. It was great and I'd thoroughly recommend it to process your feelings, whether they are sadness or something more. There's a lot to be proud of in recognising where you need help and asking for it.

Yes, lockdown babies are a pretty outstanding example of when expectations and reality didn't match up! I imagine that would have been incredibly difficult. It's good to hear that therapy helped in that situation.

And thank you Nimbostratus100.

How are you getting on?

I had a premature baby during lockdown and found the whole thing totally traumatic. I struggled to bond and if I'm honest didn't even want to go to special care to see her. We have a great bond now and I feel awful for how I felt about her initially. I don't know if I feel sad about not having much of the third trimester but I do feel really sad that I had a difficult pregnancy the entire time and could never really commit to the idea of having a baby as miscarriage was a constant risk. I really envy people who enjoyed their pregnancies and got to take their baby home straight away rather than sit on their own on a rock hard chair, bleeding profusely and in a mask, also not allowed to eat or drink in there because COVID. Not allowed to interact with any other parents there and DP only allowed an hour a day with her.
I think how you're feeling is perfectly normal especially if the premature birth wasn't expected. You're grieving the loss of what you'd always imagined would happen having a baby.

Thank you for thinking of me @Crumpledstilstkin. My meeting with the care coordinator had to be rearranged so I'll be speaking to them next week. I think I do need some further help than I've received so far. I think a lot of what happened people expect me to be struggling with (the birth was very traumatic) but actually I'm seeing quite reasonable progress in those areas and it's this third trimester thing I keep coming back to.

I'm sorry you went through that @roseopose, lockdown must have made everything much harder. I completely understand what you mean about not wanting to go - I was terrified about being discharged after the birth as I thought once I got home I'd want to pretend it never happened and that I didn't have a baby. I felt really strongly that I'd ruined everyone's life (particularly DS1's) by wanting a second child. I was so relieved that when I was home I did want to go to the hospital.

I'm glad to hear you're seeing progress elsewhere, even if it is slow. Mental health is always a marathon rather than a sprint.

@roseopose That sounds horrific, I'm not surprised your feelings were complex. How wonderful you've bonded now.

It sounds like you potentially would benefit from some talking therapy rather than medication to work through your emotions and sadness. I would think It is perfectly reasonable to grieve the pregnancy you hoped to have.

it’s positive that you are already getting support- keep accessing it.

sending you and your sons love