Parents with young children, how much are grandparents involved?

[GoldenGlitterGirl]

There will probably be more responses from those who don't have any support from grandparents for various reasons, as that does seem to be a common thing on mumsnet.

But I'm interested to hear what support others do get?

My parents are nearby, offer their help and support us when things get tough, which they do in our circumstances. My other half's parents aren't particularly interested most of the time. We see them when they choose a few times a year.

I know there are so many factors around grandparent involvement- age, health, location, relationship - what is yours like?

quite a lot of help.

help with childcare 1-2 days a week before school. Pick ups once a week in school, they sleep over maybe once a month on the weekend. We do errands etc in return in a normal family helping each other way.

But we did live very close to them which helped obviously, now we are a bit further.

Good relationship.

Only one set of grandparents. Live 45mins apart.

They see kids once a month (ish) usually we go see them for a few hours or meet up for a meal.

They take kids on a day out maybe 5 times a year. Soft play something like that.

Eldest has slept over twice in 5 years.

Grandparents are 50s but we don't expect anything of them, they have their own lives to live.

PIL are 1.5 hours away, my mum 2.5 hours. We see them all once a month or so. PIL have been asking to babysit since eldest was born and so we've started happily taking them up on that They've done a couple of Saturday afternoons while we went furniture shopping and an overnight.

Kids are still a little young for mum to have them on her own, think she might like the idea of sleepovers when they're a bit bigger.

We've never had regular help for the day to day stuff, we've always needed all our wraparound care sorted for example. Our parents are all still working full time, and for most of our kids' young childhoods we didn't have one close by.

However, what our parents do is provide care on sporadic weekends and in holidays so we are able to have weekends away, date nights, even holidays, and we usually send them to grandparents for a few weeks over summer. For me this has been the perfect set up because there isn't pressure on anyone, it's all in the name of fun and R&R and it enables them all to build bonds despite us not always living close.

I hope to have this set up with our grand kids, I have family members that really take advantage of their parents for day to day childcare to save money and I can see the tension it is causing.

@Singleandproud love that about popping in for tea and a catch up. I'm like that with my parents as they're nearby. We're close and I know I'm welcome anytime. I would like to be like that if I'm ever a grandparent one day.

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep thank you for sharing that from a grandparent's perspective. I read so many comments on mumsnet about grandparents having little contact or interest in their grandchildren. Some obviously aren't as family orientated as others.

You sound very devoted to your family which I think is lovely and enjoy being with them all. That's my idea of family too.

There is another thread on this today! Growing up in the 1970s, I saw both sets of grandparents probably 3 or 4 times a year, due to distance. Nobody thought this was odd and I don't think many of my friends had grandparents who "helped out". Perhaps the culture was different then?
I have no skin in the game now, as happily childfree, but I am moving into the grandparent generation and I think it's important to remember that these are real people with busy lives. Early retirement is not possible for everyone and even those who can will want to prioritise travel/hobbies/volunteering. A 60 something who has worked hard for 40 years and brought up their own kids is entitled to make the most of their leisure time while they're still healthy - not to just become free childcare.

Nothing from in laws ever. They lived 20 minutes away. But I never expected any as they refused to help my husband and his first wife when she had a traumatic second birth and he asked for help with his oldest and they refused.
My parents only lived in the same country half the time, and were well in to their 70s when my kids came along. They did the odd evening babysitting, but I never asked them to do any child care.

My mother 0, have a few phone calls off her depending on the kids needs. Ds recent diagnosis with adhd and asd. Last time she had my children was during lockdown (had covid and was when they had to be sent out of the home/ original guidelines for nhs isolation) for 7 days. She’s never had them since but I have asked for her to have them one night in the summer. She’s only sees them at birthday and Xmas otherwise they would never see her. Not sure my dd will settle with her as she doesn’t seem to know her. My dad helped a lot when I lived near but he has never had them over night. I’m used to it though despite it being difficult. I have grandparents who are extremely helpful which makes up for it.

None but a) they're in their 70's and b) even if they were younger/more energetic I'm not sure I necessarily want it - my parents very much believe in smacking (I do not) and my mum told me several times that if she were looking after my DC she'd smack them if they misbehaved. (DH thinks its just talk/she wouldn't really do it but I'm not sure). Our approaches are just too different for it to work even if it were practical.

Late 60s 10 mins away, see about twice a year with the kids (as in, they aren’t childcare).

Mid 60s 3hours away, see probably 6x a year and in touch daily/weekly. No support really (emotional/ parenting/financial etc) but nice relationship.

My parents are dead. DH’s parents live quite far away so we only see them a couple of times a year, but they’re extremely helpful when we do see them. I imagine if they lived nearby they would help a lot.

Just to add that I really, really hope I live close to my kids if/when they have their own kids. DH’s parents don’t live anywhere near any of their children and I think it’s sad as they’re such brilliant, devoted grandparents but they just don’t have the same sort of relationship with their grandkids that I see in families where GPs provide regular childcare. I know they feel sad about it too.

My dad would do anything he could to help (and has) but lives several hours away, so it's not that easy. My xILs are the same but since the divorce they rarely get to see DD which has devastated them.

All ds' grandparents were dead. The last, my dm, died four months before he was born. So no family involvement

But I coped and DS doesn't seem to be any the worse for not having DGPs. We 'adopted' a pseudo-gran, our lovely ex-neighbour and see her occasionally 🙂

My parents are early 60's and my mum looks after 17 month old DS twice a week while I work (he is with a childminder the other 2 days). She really loves to have him and they do plenty together. DP's mum works full time but sees DS on a weekend. She would babysit him if we wanted but quite frankly for various reasons I don't trust her alone with him yet.

Nothing. My mum lives 10 minutes away but doesn’t help with my children as “you chose to have them”

I’ll do my NCT group; for a better view.

I don’t have any living parents, my in-laws don’t provide any childcare and haven’t seen DS since he was 8 months. He’s 15 now.

Theres two couples that get one day a week childcare from her parents; and see his parents every other week, but don’t get childcare from them.

There’s one couple that get childcare from her parents as needed - sometimes a few days a week, sometimes not at all - and are NC with his.

Theres one couple that gets three days a week childcare from her parents and do nursery two days a week; but there’s a big age gap and an unconventional job, and his parents are in their very late 80s.

One couple sees both sides monthly or so; but doesn’t get childcare from either. The other is a bit more flex, I think.

MIL very involved and always has been. When DS was born in 2017 and I needed childcare, she would drive the 90mins every Sunday and stay with me until Tuesday. We now live nearby and DS is 5. She has him every Tuesday and Friday after school. My FIL is fantastic too.

My Mum? She lived 10 miles away and childcare was a struggle. I'd pay her petrol money but she would have him one afternoon a week but only when my dad is there. Now that we have moved she will only see him on school holidays, and that's if I drive him to her. I'm 9 months pregnant and it sucks.

Not much, but we are quite far away from both sets of grandparents (moved to London for work and stayed here).

My parents have quite a lot of caring responsibilities already as my disabled uncle lives with them and my dad is also a carer for his 98 year old mum.

MIL is widowed and quite lonely, she does love seeing the kids and it seems to really cheer her up. She will babysit when she comes to visit but doesn’t have much confidence and worries they won’t settle for her.

She will sometimes say “it’s such a shame I don’t live closer to my grandchildren” as if where she lives is completely out of her hands. She could move in theory as she has no job or family ties where she lives and very few friends but I know she wouldn’t have the confidence to relocate.

We’re very, very lucky.

MIL is in her late 60’s, very young for her age and fit/healthy. She lives with us and is very involved with the children. She’s away to London this weekend with my two elder DDs (technically step grandchildren to MIl but you’d never know it) to see a play they all fancied.

My exes parents are brilliant with my girls. They came to me when ex basically abandoned the girls for a year and begged to be allowed a relationship. They took them every fourth weekend like clockwork when the girls were young plus took them to family occasions (inc a wedding in Italy when the girls were 14). Then were flexible enough to maintain their relationship when the girls hobbies or parties got in the way. They’re lovely. The girls are adults now so I don’t see them as often but still catch up every now and again.

DH’s MIL is technically only D(s)S’s granny but she’s very hands on with them all. Which considering she saw her own Dd die young, when DS was just a toddler, I think is amazing. It must be so hard. DH and I are going to a wedding and she’s minding our 12 and 8 yos. I know they’ll come back having had a ball.

I was brought up by my GPs and they died many years ago so there’s no help from my side

Grandparents 1 - 10 mins away. We are close and see them once every 4-6 weeks on average. No childcare. Happy to see us with us there but not on their own. DC is almost 7 and never done any babysitting/school runs/days out etc.

Grandparents 2 - 2 hours away. No real interest. Have seen DC in person maybe 5 times in total since they were born.

Very involved.

My mum is in her 50's and my dad is about to turn 60.

I work 12.5 hour shifts and wouldn't be able to if they didn't provide childcare help.

all grandparents about 45-60 mins away. But v little help and we always have to ask. My mum loves to play up as the helpful grandparent when she does anything but it happens about 1-2 times a year.

in laws are getting older- close to 80- and used boarding schools for their kids. They will help a bit, if requested, but we basically have no support. M

Weve never had a night away from kids- 6 years!