Total pity party I know, but I'm feeling so depressed and I can't seem to shake the dark thoughts this time. Also, I know some people have it much worse, so please don't tell me that!
I have 6 children and live in a women's refuge. It's not the worst place in the world, but it's so restrictive, and it's not home. There are so few houses large enough for the council to put us in that we could be here for a while.
I came here to safeguard my children but ex has obviously punished me so I've had emails through solicitors asking for both reconciliation... And a divorce... He's applied to court for access to the kids so I've got all that to come which is making me so anxious, depressed and ill.
I don't get legal aid because I have some savings, but I needed those savings because I left everything behind so will need to buy it all again, and council houses don't even come with carpets so there's all that to get, too.
I'm getting an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I barely have any me time. And I never have fun!
My main "enjoyment" is eating but I'm terrified of putting on weight as I have severe body dysmorphia disorder.
I have joined a gym but can't get to it that much and I'm not confident enough to go in the pool, sauna, steam room, the exercise classes or any gym equipment other than the three basic things I can use so it's a lot of money for not that much.
My 2 year old is up with me breastfeeding on and off until I go to bed and then she feeds through the night. She's started screaming at me in the car because I can't feed her.
I have no family support.
And I can't hide away forever... One day the non molestation order against my ex will expire, he'll get unsupervised contact with the two youngest children (his bio ones) and will be rubbing his hands with glee that he gets to have contact with me again and/or rub whoever he's seeing at the time in my face.
Just so tired of everything, and sometimes wish I didn't have to deal with it all...