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Original poster

Is this me? I think it probably is!

47 replies

NameChanged17 · 17/03/2023 15:37

Sorry, I’ve had to name change as potentially outing!

Posting here in the hope of it being a bit kinder than AIBU but I think I probably am being…

Friend of 20+ years (very good friend) has asked for a big favour this weekend and I said yes, even though I don’t want to at all, I know it’s the right thing to do as a friend.

Messaged me saying can you also do x, y and z and said they’ll show me how etc. they’re leaving early in morning so I said ‘shall I come from work?’ No reply so rang and she asks her DH ‘no, now isn’t a good time, sorry’. I was abrupt and cut off the conversation. I started thinking how I feel like saying I won’t do this favour but that’s just petulant isn’t it?

Slight backstory, I asked a favour 3 years ago. It was started last month but never finished, she doesn’t have much time apparently. I find her DH so controlling and vile (but hide it from my friend) and I think that sways my feelings. In my opinion, he does everything he wants when he wants and everyone else is the problem, he’s a complete CF. Also, they have no DC, I have 4 and am single so doing their favour means a right carry on over this weekend tbh. They only asked me this morning.

Is this me? Am I being childish? I just want to tell them to p off, but I love my friend to pieces. As I’ve got to the end of this my initial rage is subsiding…thank you for reading!

OP posts:

zurala · 17/03/2023 16:24

Message her now.

Hi friend, as I can't come over before you leave to understand what needs doing, on reflection I am not able to do this for you after all. I'm sorry about that, but with the short notice and not being able to pop in after work to learn the ropes it's just not going to work. I hope you find someone else and have a lovely break xx

HarrietStyles · 17/03/2023 16:25

So if they are leaving early in the morning and it’s not convenient for you to pop round now to get instructions on what needs doing……. When are they expecting you to come? Surely not late this evening with 4 children, or super early in the morning? I would tell them that you are available to pop round now or unfortunately aren’t able to do the favour at all. You have agreed to do them a massive favour at very short notice and then he is being difficult about it! Tell him to sod off!

Lysianthus · 17/03/2023 16:30

What @zurala said is perfect. Please don't feel bad either, she should have thought this through. The diy favour is a bit of a red herring - you just can't do this weekend. I'd definitely message so you don't have to engage with all the inevitable guilt trips and begging.

Pencilsaremylife · 17/03/2023 16:33

I’m the sort of person who MN despairs of, I will say yes rather than no if at all possible luckily I have nice family and friends who don’t take the piss.
Being asked today to put on hold any plans you might have for the weekend, especially Mother’s Day with your children to facilitate them going on holiday and then being told it wasn’t convenient to go round when it suited you. Its not like it’s a medical emergency. I think even I would be no, the whole weekend isn’t convenient for me. What would they do if you weren’t available, well they’ll have to do that. Tell them now!

Cracklingfire1 · 17/03/2023 16:58

No absolutely don't do it. That's a massive ask of anyone, let alone a single mum with 4 children. Put yourself first.

Pinkishpurpleyblue · 17/03/2023 17:03

I think you need to back out asap and then ask for this to be deleted as you are right its very outing and could end your friendship, especially with what you've said about the CF husband.
Send a message ASAP to say you shouldn't have agreed you didn't realise that this weekend its mother's day and your kids have special plans with you and you are unavailable to help after all.

FunkyMonks · 17/03/2023 17:17

No chance if they have no children and it is a pet then they have the spare income to pay for someone to come and look after pet while away.

No I hate to burden any one with stuff like this that's why I would always rather pay to put my cat in a cattery and not stress about him being left in the house for days without anyone in other than to feed him morning and night and even then I wouldn't want to be a burden on my friends asking them to do that.

Proper cheeky I would say you can't do it cost of fuel back and for and the fact you have your children to look after and it's the weekend time to relax and enjoy the time off from work.

SgtCatherineCawood · 17/03/2023 17:20

@NameChanged17 I hope you haven't gone quiet because you are driving to their house 🫣

kirinm · 17/03/2023 17:23

Asking someone to drive 25 miles to feed your cat is ridiculous. There are plenty of people offering cat sitting.

Asking her to do a diy project (for free?) is also unreasonable.

pictoosh · 17/03/2023 17:25

25 miles and back x3? That’s a big ask. Should have been falling over themselves to make time for you. Being swished away to fit in with them some more was insulting and rude.

Send a cheerful message say that logistics with kids dictate and you’re not able to help after all.

Justforlaffs · 17/03/2023 17:26

They are cheeky CF’s!

No way would I drive 25 miles 3 times over the weekend- not even for my closest friend (and she wouldn’t ask!)

It’s difficult to cancel now as youve already agreed but it sounds like she put you on the spot. Just say “I’ve realised I can’t do it as I’ve just too much on and it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday”!

You shouldn’t have said yes in the first place though.

Turnipworkharder · 17/03/2023 17:33

You've got 4 children and she wants you to drive back and forth x God knows how many times.....no way would I do that , and the fact she's asked you knowing this....speaks volumes to me.

steppemum · 17/03/2023 17:33

zurala · 17/03/2023 16:24

Message her now.

this is a perfect message.

Just when does she expect you to come over with 4 kids to find out what needs doing?

She can ask a neighbour.

WinterDeWinter · 17/03/2023 17:39

This is not something a good friend would ask you to do OP. I wonder if she's not actually that lovely but hides behind her more visibly unpleasant CF husband? Ultimately she benefits from his CF-ery and lovely people ... don't do that.

I think it's time to review the friendship, or at the very least assert your boundaries now and see how she behaves.

Dear DF - I'm so sorry, I've just realised that I was insane to agree to do this with 4 kids and on my own too. I don't know what we were thinking. I know this will leave you in the lurch but I just can't manage it - especially since I suspect Im going to have to arrange my own mother's day for the kids haha.

ChesapeakeFan · 17/03/2023 17:42

THat's ridiculous. She was taking the piss to ask and sorry to say I think you made a huge mistake agreeing. Haven't studied this thread closely but it doesn't say what these pets are but to be honest, if you were minded to help it would have been better for them to bring them to you.

I agree with the message above which is great. Its fine for you to present it as (underlying spirir) I have limited time its mothers day weekend, this was my only chance to come over I'm afraid as its not convenient I cant help. (Subtext piss right off you user)

PuppyMonkey · 17/03/2023 17:44

Zurala’s message is fine, just think it might be a bit wordy. Can’t you just say something has come up and you’re no longer free to do the favour now.

And don’t reply to her, just as she didn’t reply to you before.

ChesapeakeFan · 17/03/2023 17:50

@PuppyMonkey s idea is good. And remember the principle 'never explain' you don't need to explain what has come up - ever - now or in future.

Just practice saying I'm sorry its no longer convenient.
CF: Why?
You: I'm sorry its just no longer convenient.
CF: but why
You: like I said, it was no longer convenient
ad nauseuam.

Ahnobother · 17/03/2023 18:30

God no. Don't do this. It's a horrendously rude request to make of anyone.
A favour is, my car has broken down and I can't get to the shop for milk.
That is asking way too much.

Say you weren't thinking earlier and you've got plans for the weekend.

Original poster

NameChanged17 · 17/03/2023 20:39

Thank you everyone, I think like a pp said the diy thing is a red herring as is the cf dh.

i spoke to my friend and she said it’s absolutely fine and knew it was a big ask. I doubt her DH is happy but we’re still friends!

I’m so glad I posted, if I hadn’t I’d have definitely done it!

OP posts:

pictoosh · 18/03/2023 07:58

Good. X

heldinadream · 18/03/2023 11:02

Well done OP! Glad you said no, what an utter pain your weekend would have been with all that extra driving and faffing.

ChesapeakeFan · 18/03/2023 14:59

@NameChanged17 what a fabulous update. It's cheering to see a thread with a happy outcome and I'm glad you aren't haven't to faff about.

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