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Original poster

I don’t know how to deal with my school bully wanting to be friends with my sister in law.

19 replies

Sarah135 · 15/03/2023 19:32

They’ve both recently had babies and my old school bully, who made it difficult to trust any new friends, has asked my cousin for my sister in laws number. My sister in law asked me if I would be ok with this, I obviously can’t tell her who she can be friends with so said it’s ok, I just never want to see her or her be near my child.

I just don’t understand why she would want to strike up a friendship with the sister in law of someone who’s life they made hell. What if they become good friends? I don’t want to ever have the situation where I would have to decline invitations because the bully will be there. My sister in law doesn’t know how bad she was towards me, it’s not really something I want to talk about. I’m thinking that I don’t say anything and see how it develops between them, but the whole thing just makes me feel like I didn’t matter then and I don’t now either.

OP posts:

yummyscummymummy01 · 15/03/2023 19:50

Talk to your brother or your sister-in-law. If my sister-in-law was that upset by someone I would definitely stay the hell away from them.

Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:52

Tell her the full story. You can’t expect people to be psychic and your feelings matter.

drpet49 · 15/03/2023 19:54

Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:52

Tell her the full story. You can’t expect people to be psychic and your feelings matter.

This. I would tell your sister in law

ASignfromabove · 15/03/2023 19:55

💐 I really feel for you @Sarah135. I would struggle with this. I think it would help your sister in law to understand your strength of feeling if you were to give her some idea of how bad it was. People who have never been bullied find it difficult to understand how we don’t “just stand up to them”.

Help your SIL to understand by sharing some examples of the things she did and how depressed it made you feel. I understand your not wanting to re-visit, but I think it’s necessary I’m afraid.

CeriB82 · 16/03/2023 06:53

of course you can’t tell people what they can be friends with, but you can tell her your situation and what happened then let her make her own decisions.

and make it clear you hate the person and that she is a bitch

Corcomroe · 16/03/2023 06:56

Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:52

Tell her the full story. You can’t expect people to be psychic and your feelings matter.

Yes. If you’ve never told her the extent of the bullying, she doesn’t have all the information.

rattlemehearties · 16/03/2023 06:56

Does the school bully know your SIL is your SIL?

How many years ago were you at school together?

ChunkyCheese · 16/03/2023 07:27

As you say your SIL checked with you if it was ok to be friends with her, does that mean your SIL already knows you were bullied by this person?
Do you have a good relationship with your SIL?
If your SIL doesn’t know the full story make sure you tell her so the bully can’t rewrite history.
I would be cautious. It seems strange to me that the bully has targeted your SIL to befriend, and if your SIL already knows the history between you and the bully it’s strange that your SIL would entertain being friends with her. I would worry that this hasn’t been engineered to cause problems for you.

Ladybug14 · 16/03/2023 07:34

You don't want to talk about it and yet if you don't talk about it, how is your SIL to know how awful it was?

Shes not a mind reader

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2023 07:39

Corcomroe · 16/03/2023 06:56

Yes. If you’ve never told her the extent of the bullying, she doesn’t have all the information.

Show quote history

Absolutely this, until I went to uni, I had no idea of the level of bullying some people experienced at school. Felt very sheltered when I heard some stories.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/03/2023 07:45

You need to tell your SIL how bad it was. How else is she to know?

The woman may have dramatically changed, so it doesn’t mean she won’t have a friendship with her, but it does mean she’ll avoid involving her with you in anyway if she’s a good person.

Could you organise some therapy OP? It sounds like your self esteem is still low if you can’t express your needs. Childhood bullying can be very scaring.

SeaDee · 16/03/2023 07:50

CeriB82 · 16/03/2023 06:53

of course you can’t tell people what they can be friends with, but you can tell her your situation and what happened then let her make her own decisions.

and make it clear you hate the person and that she is a bitch

I agree absolutely

xJoy · 16/03/2023 07:54

This horrible. Not surprised you find this hard.

BocolateChiscuits · 16/03/2023 08:44

Different perspective here. Maybe just let it run its course. If the bully hasn't changed your SIL will soon pick up on it and drop her. Your SIL sounds sensible; she talked to you about the situation.

If the bully has changed - well, she was a child when she bullied you, and likely had some horrible stuff in her life for her to act so terribly. It's not so unusual to change completely from child to adult, and she can control her circumstances more now (e.g. she could reduce contact with a bullying parent).

What happened to you was wrong. And what she did to you was wrong. Nothing will change that. How you feel about it can change though, maybe there's an opportunity to explore that here. I realise that's an incredibly tough thing to do - but wanted to suggest it, just in case it is a possibility for you.

x2boys · 16/03/2023 09:43

Well it depends on a lot of things,how long ago were you at school.?
are you likely to to ever actually meet and socialise?
I mean my own sister has tons of friends who.I have never met and an never likely to.meet
and people can change especially if it's been a number of years since you saw her

LadyKenya · 16/03/2023 09:52

Why did your Sil ask if you would be okay with it? She must know something, or would not have asked.

Zipps · 16/03/2023 09:55

I would also tell your sil the whole story. This woman might have changed or she may be fooling. Has she ever apologised to you or acknowledged her behaviour? I wouldn't be staying clear by boycotting events, I would relish it actually but I understand that might just be me.

Genie321 · 16/03/2023 10:04

Tell your SIL the full story. This is your family and the bully needs to stay away. If I was the SIL and heard that this woman bullied you, I would respect your feelings and stay away from her.

amusedbush · 16/03/2023 10:35

I have posted about this before but my school bully is in a long-term relationship with my brother's BIL (my brother's wife's brother). DB and SIL never crossed paths socially with her before because they are both several years younger than me, bully and SIL's brother.

She made my life hell for years. Far beyond playground teasing, it was psychological torment and repeated physical assaults that resulted in police involvement.

Anyway, because my brother is a fair bit younger than me, he was never aware of the full extent of the bullying and didn't immediately piece together that Craig's partner Amy was Amy who beat the shit out of me on the regular 15 years ago. Apparently Amy admitted to being "not very nice" to me in school but after my brother's MIL made some comment about how I should be over it by now, my mum sat her down and told her everything.

A couple of years has passed and from what I gather, she's still Jeremy Kyle material and nobody in their family likes her very much.

Sorry this is so long but my point is: fuck her. Tell your SIL everything and let her make her own mind up. Maybe your bully has changed and, in that case, you might get a genuine apology and some closure. In my case, I had to face her at my brother's wedding and, even though we didn't speak, it was really healing. I was terrified and having panic attacks in the lead up to it but as soon as she walked in, that "bogeyman" version of her in my mind lost all its power.

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