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Original poster

23 yr old still at home and hates me

18 replies

Odin1 · 15/03/2023 18:25

I’m a single parent. Daughters dad has no contact since she was 17. He paid maintenance until her 18th birthday. His parents have no contact either. She was diagnosed with dyslexia at 16 and got help with exams. Went to university for 3 years and got nearly a year’s extension to her dissertation due covid and dyslexia. She got good results. She then went to America to do Camp America for 3 months then came home and continued with her part time job she had before she went away. She’s just passed her driving test and is borrowing my car. She pays for some of the insurance. She also pays rent and some council tax. She’s always hated where we live. We are now moving to a different home in a different village. I’m hoping to leave work soon. My problem is that she has no respect for me. I’m trying to sort for moving and she comes home and says she’s too tired or she needs a day of rest!! She’s just told me that i irritate her. Telling her to do things that’s obvious. She says I know too much about her as I’m always asking questions. Like where are you going (in my car). She lies to me too. I said she should move out. She could rent a room where we still live and continue her part time job. Her boss said she would’ve become assistant manager if she wasn’t moving. I can’t carry on like this. I have lots of medical conditions. Depression is one of them and I’m slowly going down hill. I can’t talk to her as she’ll just walk away from me or start uncontrollable crying and start screaming at me. She’s just turned 23. It’s like looking after a moody teenager. My bf says she treats me like rubbish. She’s never thankful
Is there anyone out there that could give me some ideas as what to do. Thank you xxx

OP posts:

Slimjimtobe · 15/03/2023 18:28

Oh my goodness - you need to move out alone and I wouldn’t feel bad at all !

ignore the silly screaming and diva behaviour

Ffsmakeitstop · 15/03/2023 18:30

I know it's always trotted out on here but it really is time she stood on her own two feet.
She has zero respect for you. She wouldn't be using my car either with that ungrateful attitude. I have no advice but best of luck to you

Mateyduck · 15/03/2023 18:30

Tell her it’s time to go. Out of your house and into her own rented room. You’ve probably babied her without realising this, so it’s time for her to go and grow up.

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OnMyWayToSenility · 15/03/2023 18:30

If you could wave a magic wand, how would you future look? And hers?

LakeTiticaca · 15/03/2023 18:30

Why is she only working part time?
Give her a month's notice to find alternative accommodation and get a full time job and tell her you are moving on your own

MudLady · 15/03/2023 18:32

As she finds you so irritating & she hates you, she won't be upset at finding her own place, not having to use your car then, will she. It's good timing that you're already planning to move house.

Queenshandbag · 15/03/2023 18:33

You need to prioritise yourself and your health. Your daughter has done well for herself educationally and can stand on her own two feet. Both you and your daughter are unhappy living together, living apart would probably be much better for you both and your relationship will probably improve. Hugs x

YukoandHiro · 15/03/2023 18:33

The dynamic coming home after uni is bloody awful. You Will be babying her unintentionally, she is acting out like a teenager rather than embracing adult life.
Why won't she go? Is she struggling for money?

Flowersinmai · 15/03/2023 18:33

It sounds like you have two options
Option 1 she moves out. She has a degree and a job. And the ability to work and support herself.
I don’t see why moving and not being assistant manager are connected. Unless it’s too far to commute.
Option 2
A frank talk.
Some rules you draw up together about how you treat each other. Consequences if she doesn’t comply.
eg she pays Rent and does set chores. You don’t micro manage. You have a trial period. At the end you discuss what is working and what is not. You - because it’s your house - decided if she still lives there - and any adjustments to House rules/guidelines.

You both need some clarity.

Original poster

Odin1 · 15/03/2023 18:36

Because before she passed her driving test she said she couldn’t get to a better job associated with her degree. Now where moving to a bigger village and she’s applied to work in one of the shops. Now she’s telling me that she wants to move abroad and work. So I said what about experience in the role and she just said prospective employers wouldn’t want any. She wanting to work in South Korea now ! I know what I need to do. I’m just so scared to say it to her x

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/03/2023 18:39

I have a 23yo DS and though he's a lazy little git , he'a at University (post graduate) he's always lived at home so never experenced the freedom of being away . He doesn't pay rent but he doesn't cost us much to keep him.

But if behaved like that , I;d throw him out the door and if I was feeling kind I might open it first !

Move and let your DD find her own place to rent and stand on her own two feet .

Original poster

Odin1 · 15/03/2023 18:39

Both happily living apart and enjoying each other company occasionally xx

OP posts:

titchy · 15/03/2023 18:45

I suspect she's quite anxious about no longer having a home and having to grow up by herself. Not that that would justify her behaviour but might explain it.

Calmdown14 · 15/03/2023 19:01

She's got scared to fly syndrome. If she doesn't apply for these things, she can't fail. She's taking this out on you which isn't on.

Really she needs to be trying to use her degree. Graduate schemes usually have tim limits and although she has some work, the longer she goes without relevant work the harder it will get.

She needs a push. That may well be the need to support herself.

In the long term you are doing her a favour. You can try a proper serious talk with a limited deadline to see proper change and effort.

She can go travelling but not to run away from the world without seriously limiting her future options. Better to work for a year, get some proper industry experience and then take some time out

Oddbobbyboo · 15/03/2023 19:03

Time for her to go.....

caringcarer · 15/03/2023 19:35

If she's only working part time can she afford to rent a room in a house with bills paid and she would just need to buy her food and do her own laundry? Could you give her 8 weeks notice to move so she can get some money together for a bond for a room or could you pay her bond on a room to or her. Your relationship will likely improve once you live apart.

Luckynumber5 · 15/03/2023 20:43

So my opinion seems a little different to the other people’s who are posting (please don’t hate on me anyone!)

I feel like she’s actually done pretty well for herself so far. She’s still so young and she’s been to uni and travelled around- that’s awesome! Completely normal for her to be figuring out what she wants to do career wise and to also be living at home (I also worked part time after uni and travelled until I knew which direction to go in). Also lived at home at that age the same as my friends and siblings did. Pressure though won’t help her to find which direction she wants to go in though… it will just push her away! She pays rent and contributes to bills so she’s not taking the pi$$ financially either.

I feel like it’s more a break down in your relationship. The tough love approach other people are suggesting won’t work.. this isn’t the 1970s! - she’s GenZ generation.. you need to work on finding a way to communicate. Telling her to leave is hurtful though and won’t make her respect you. Perhaps giving her some space (she doesn’t need to tell you where she is going, even if she’s in your car- she’s an adult) and working on mutual respect and building your relationship.

Also… South Korea is complete safe.. I’ve travelled there :)

tkwal · 04/12/2023 17:17

Time for her to leave I'm afraid , preferably while you can still manage not to fall into her push me/pull you trap. She wants to be independent but have you available as a cushion against the big bad world. Since you're moving soon it could be the perfect time for you to gently encourage her to look for a house/flat share. Possibly still let her use your car if she has a particular need for it. It doesn't sound like she's easy to discuss things with but you have to try. Carry on despite the histrionics , she's using those tactics to manipulate you

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