Anxiety sufferers-Posting for traffic/dp relationships issues re Anxiety

[Seasider2017]

2 massive issues in our relationship , AIBU

So Long term suffer of panic/anxiety 40yrs

we’re both retired in our middle 60’s, been with him for 20+ yrs so he used to my attacks

Monday I woke and felt really out of sorts, I went to get up and felt really off balance which scared me shitless and I felt out of control which spike my anxiety
im sure dp thinks I should just get over it and carry on food,cleaning going shops cooking etc

when I’m really bad scared and afraid to be on my own and he has a volunteer meeting coming up he will in a condescending way say
” is it ok to go to …,,,,, “ in the past I’ve said please can you not I’m feeling really bad. This then turns into a big argument with him saying things like
do you want me to go (knowing he wants to))
so what do you want me to do
im letting them down (volunteer,doesn’t have to)
He will then still get uniformed up and say I’ll be back ….

mother time he won’t go but I’m left to feel grateful when we’ve had a big argument where past things are brought up and I get upset, not him ever.
He then thinks it’s ok to just carry on , kiss and say forget it.
How can I forget when I feel he puts me last before his hobby etc and says so many hurtful things. He’s ALWAYS RIGHT, says things and then says he didn’t! If he does anything in the house washing,shops etc I should thank him, yet I do most things and it’s normal because I’m a woman
Absolutely things brought up every time from the past relating to above in an argument
He also thinks it’s wrong that I don’t support him in his hobby (motorbikes) and should go with him, watch and be as enthusiastic as him
i have in the past been to race meetings and watched on tv ok not as enthusiastic as him, I’ve also been to motorcycle shops
yet
when it’s brought I’ve said, not all wives have the same interest as their dh/dp and you don’t like mine, swimming, pilates craft
gardening (although will help)

If you were ill with your mh would your long term partner go to an event (no ticket, volunteering , pub , tennis )

AIBU in asking for him to stay home ? When your scared to be alone
AIBU not to be as enthusiastic about motorbikes

i don’t think I am ??

I'm really sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.
Anxiety is awful (I know I struggle with it myself).
But it's your problem to deal with. What do you do to help your anxiety? Meds? CBT?

It's not fair to restrict your partner because of your anxiety. And he's right, he is letting someone down if he's said he'll be available to volunteer and people have made plans based on that.
Living with and caring for someone with mental health struggles can be incredibly draining.

That being said him not doing anything around the house without a big performance of needing to be thanked is not on.
And I completely understand not liking motorbikes. Especially when he doesn't show any interest in your hobbies.

YABU for asking him to stay home
YANBU for not being enthusiastic about motorbikes

This sounds horribly familiar, @Seasider2017 . I strongly suspect your anxiety would be much improved without this man's behaviour towards you. Do you miss him when he's out of the house? Do you not enjoy the peace when he's out? Or is that spoiled because you know he's coming back?

Can you pinpoint when your anxiety started? Have you ever considered counselling for yourself?

Thank you for your comment

I know it’s my problem and overall I deal with it the best off my ability
for reference over the years I’ve had many therapy paid private for most of that as nhs is not available with crushing waiting list.
GAD anxiety is an extremely hard anxiety, I’ve had to give up work a few years ago because it was uncontrollable at one point.
there’s anxiety where you can can carry on day to day lifestyle work etc and there chronic anxiety where you can’t manage

regarding meds, yes I take meds and diazepam
I only ever turn to him when things have spiralled as most would do when in crisis
most days I get by myself .

I must also say that he as his health problems
min which I support him when necessary
last week I accompanied him to hospital no questions asked I decided, when I could if quite easily gone to my craft class and could if done without the stress of him getting wound up about it and stressing me also

Just to explain regarding volunteering hobby
there are more than enough volunteers it’s a big venue event (not a shop) you don’t actually have to go every event

most illnesses are challenging in relationships not just Anxiety

Dodecaheidyin

if we’re talking today after massive words
No I don’t miss him
under normal circumstances if he or I have been out
yes and he has said the same (although haven’t noticed him saying it when bikes are involved, I’ll check this )
I do like me time especially if he’s on one and I just wanna be alone without petty arguments

anxiety started well before I met him, but does escalate with his black/white views
As said I be had therapy and take meds

I feel I have 2 children in the house
adult son as SEN so I sort a lot out for him dyslexic/dyspraxia which he at times doesn’t understand . NOT HIS SON

yet it’s ok for him to ask
what should I do about ….
where such a thing
how do I do that
where is it
etc etc

Does he bring anything positive to your life, @Seasider2017 ? Is he ever nice to you?

Yes when I’ve not got any anxiety issues that don’t ruin his day perhaps!

It's all about him, isn't it? This volunteering thing he does, do people outside of your household think he's a great guy by any chance? The fact that he goes when he's not necessarily needed is quite telling. He's putting his needs (for attention) above yours. That's quite common for him, isn't it? And if he doesn't go he makes sure you know what a huge sacrifice he has made. Hmm.

He can't even speak to you normally about it, he has to be condescending. What does that tell you? Him being always right and you being always wrong? No wonder you're getting upset.

It really is all about him. What does that tell you?

He’s selfish

the volunteer work or hobbies he goes because off the love off it(it’s a sport)
I only ever ask him NOT to go if I’m really in fear of my anxiety symptoms im getting and im scared shitless of how there make me feel

yes he luvs to be the centre of attention (says he doesn’t) like it when people say “you look nice” buys clothes “just in case he goes somewhere, that just stay in the wardrobe then he sells them months down the line.
we are 65/68 spend most times just going to shops,coffee,garden,garden centres and maybe few walks

definitely will say what he’s done for you or in the house and not a part off a partnership
mid ges done something and I’ve been out
he will say, I’ve hoovered and put the washing away 🤷‍♀️

Never looks after an argument like he’s perhaps thinking about what’s been brought up, he will go on YouTube videos, on his bike, start humming around the house just wiped off

Adult so as SEN dyslexia/Dyspraxia so needs support (he’s a lot better than he was now)
he thinks I do far far to much fir him.
i drop him off at appointments and sort things out written wise or phone, because he has short term memory and forget half of what’s been said.
mum wrong in doing that
I never got took anyway, I never got any financial help, I never, I never
I’m sure he’s jealous of son, he also doesn’t have a good opinion off males because he was bullied at school.

it is all about him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him to realise
because he’s always said
you’ll never change me,
he has a way when he says things like
“ can I go to ….. “
then say , in argument if even ask you if I can go
i don’t know why he does this

all what’s been brought up from the past is playing a massive replay in my head over and over. I feel so stressed and on the ceiling with anxiety symptoms but I’m supposed to just get on

gid that was long … sorry just need to tell someone

hmm, well, it seems to me that 20 years is a long time to expect someone else to make allowances, and arrange your life around someone elses anxiety

And you are not at all clear about your son, what support does he need, where is he? Adults with dyslexia nd dyspraxia dont typically need support - I am dyslexic and dyspraxic myself

and volunteering, not it doesn't matter if there are a lot of volunteers, yes he is letting them down if he says he is coming then doesn't

I would say, if you are not happy in this relationship, then leave - it would seem that you are expecting a lot more support than your partner wants to give - rightly or wrongly, we couldn't say. But there is certainly a missmatch

I’m sure he’s jealous of son

He will be, because of the attention and care you give him. Your husband feels entitled to all of you, how dare anybody else have a bit of you!

I don’t know if I’ll ever get him to realise because he’s always said you’ll never change me

He has absolutely no wish to be better behaved, why would he. He's telling you who he is through his words and actions. There is no point in trying to point out his bad points, he knows already - they're intentional!

It seems to me it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to try and have more counselling. Does your GP know about your partner situation or do they just prescribe the drugs and let you get on with it?

Nimbostratus100

I have said if you read about support I give son
he lives at home, he works full time, pays rent
i support with any letters, financial advice if needed and help sorting. Phone interaction if he can’t explain his self.
there are many different levels off everything
knowledge, illness, dyspraxia , anxiety
what you can do somebody else may have great difficulty doing
don’t judge yourself with some one you don’t know.
it’s like saying to a wheelchair user “ I can walk xxx without using my chair” you should “

do you think most relationships are MATCHED 100%, because I don’t
it’s like those that say “ we never argue”

in those 20yrs I haven’t alway been unable to function with crippling anxiety, all of last year he went to every meeting (just for clarity)
that’s all I ask is for him to be there WHEN I’m bad and not show remorse for doing so

Dodecaheidyin
I’ve been thinking off some counselling, obviously at this moment I can’t get out the house there’s not a chance on nhs , to be honest it’s just when i have chronic episodes I need support from him. I’ve been absolutely fine for past year may odd days but nothing that he’s had to change his plans for. I can’t keep running to gp when I have a meltdown they just give me meds and frankly I’m not one for being drugged up with psych meds
thanks for your insight 🙂

so your son really doesn't need much in the way of support, at all, your first post made it sound like you were his carer

Nimbostratus100

I never even mentioned son in first post ??
only time I mentioned son was when I said he had SEN and needs help with any letters,phone calls running to appointments
never ever anymore.
SEN. Special EDUCATIONAL Needs
shirt term memory

i feel this is getting off the original post

the first post in which you mentioned him

Nimbostratus100 This is my FIRST POST

2 massive issues in our relationship , AIBU

So Long term suffer of panic/anxiety 40yrs

we’re both retired in our middle 60’s, been with him for 20+ yrs so he used to my attacks

Monday I woke and felt really out of sorts, I went to get up and felt really off balance which scared me shitless and I felt out of control which spike my anxiety

im sure dp thinks I should just get over it and carry on food,cleaning going shops cooking etc

when I’m really bad scared and afraid to be on my own and he has a volunteer meeting coming up he will in a condescending way say
” is it ok to go to …,,,,, “ in the past I’ve said please can you not I’m feeling really bad. This then turns into a big argument with him saying things like
do you want me to go (knowing he wants to))
so what do you want me to do
im letting them down (volunteer,doesn’t have to)
He will then still get uniformed up and say I’ll be back ….

mother time he won’t go but I’m left to feel grateful when we’ve had a big argument where past things are brought up and I get upset, not him ever.
He then thinks it’s ok to just carry on , kiss and say forget it.
How can I forget when I feel he puts me last before his hobby etc and says so many hurtful things. He’s ALWAYS RIGHT, says things and then says he didn’t! If he does anything in the house washing,shops etc I should thank him, yet I do most things and it’s normal because I’m a woman

Absolutely things brought up every time from the past relating to above in an argument

He also thinks it’s wrong that I don’t support him in his hobby (motorbikes) and should go with him, watch and be as enthusiastic as him
i have in the past been to race meetings and watched on tv ok not as enthusiastic as him, I’ve also been to motorcycle shops
yet
when it’s brought I’ve said, not all wives have the same interest as their dh/dp and you don’t like mine, swimming, pilates craft

gardening (although will help)

If you were ill with your mh would your long term partner go to an event (no ticket, volunteering , pub , tennis )

AIBU in asking for him to stay home ? When your scared to be alone

AIBU not to be as enthusiastic about motorbikes

i don’t think I am ??

and as for being sons carer YES I could be
he was awarded PIP last year , but carer’s allowance would only be taken out of my pension anyway.

It is difficult, but we all have to learn to cope on our own. What if your husband wasn't there? At all. Ever again. You would have to manage without him. It is not his responsibility to drop everything just for you and volunteering (even for a sport) IS a commitment.
Maybe your time would be better spent in learning some techniques to manage your anxiety yourself?