8 year old keeps cutting her hair

[ReluctantAdult1]

Bwaaaah it’s driving me insannnnne!!

I work so hard at making sure she has nice clothes, that she’s always clean and tidy and well turned out.

WHY the fuck does she keep cutting her hair 😭

I’m not talking huge chunks out of the sides. I’m talking little (but significant enough) chunks out of the fringe/to the side of the fringe. So her fringe is a mess and there are bits at the side of it that stick out fucking HORIZONTALLY and curl out. The fringe that she wanted so badly that we got cut in. I hid all the scissors the last time she did this but she’s come in from school today with another sticky out bit.

Her hair is gorgeous. She really suits her fringe and has no desire to get rid of it. I dont understand why she’s actively trying to make it look bad. I have asked her and asked her why she keeps cutting it. She denies doing it (like I’m stupid) then eventually will cave and ask me to fix it. I am beyond crap with hair so I can’t really fix it and it always results in a trip to the hairdresser.

i mean I would guess that it’s an Impulse control thing, and I think she probably likes the feeling or something. I dunno.

I try hard not to go on about it, I don’t want to make her feel bad and shame her. But she’s just wrecking her hair and I don’t understand it. Surely at 8 she should know better??

Natural consequence is that she has to walk around like that (there’s only so much me/the hairdresser can do really) but i don’t want her to feel bad about herself. Having said that, she never really seems overly bothered (although will admit it was a “bad choice”)

i mean what do I do? Hope it’s a (long) phase and let it pass? Punish her with a screen time ban? She’s not a bad child in the slightest, she’s really clever as well, just prone to the odd bout of silliness (she’s a young 8). But my god this is driving me demented!

Just leave her to it and stop going on about it. And stop taking her to the hairdresser's all the time. One of mine impulsively cuts her own hair - now she's pretty skilled at it. Stop being so obsessed with her appearance. Let her be a messy child if she wants to be.

OP Not to worry you, but when my dd did that it was linked to high anxiety and got close to school refusal. The SENCO took it really seriously. Does she do anything else that seems pointlessly destructive of her own things, and out of character?

Eurgh I feel your frustration. And also wonder whether she does and finds it hard to tell you that she just felt like it or it felt fun or she likes the feel of cutting hair (it's quite satisfying!)?
I'd try to take the attention off it a bit. Or leave out hair chalks etc? And try not to worry if she doesn't look neat and tidy for a little bit. She's only little.

No, she loves school. She has a good circle of friends and goes in quite happily 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think some people are being hard on you, OP. I don't think you're obsessed with appearances, or at least, if you are, I am too so you're not alone, at least

I cut my fringe off when I was about 3, basically because I was fed up of it and didn't understand that the only way to get rid of it was to grow it out.
But I was 3, not 8. I'm sure your daughter realises that's not the way to remove a fringe.

I don't agree with the mantra "Her hair: her choice". She's 8 - of course you still have a responsibility to guide her in the direction you think best, appearance included and I'd have been concerned if one of my daughters was randomly hacking at her hair.

Having said all that, I'm not sure I've got an explanation or a solution. Don't her friends mention how her hair looks? Ime, at 8, peer pressure is a thing (for better or worse) and I'd have thought she might take notice of them if she won't heed you.

The only thing I can think of is that maybe you're getting it fixed too quickly, so she doesn't find out what people other than you might say.

I agree with the PP saying next time she does it, don't take her in to get it fixed.
Clip it back an let her live with it. A trip to the hairdresser is a reward for the unwanted behaviour of cutting a chunk out of her hair.

Also fielding here a thought that it could be as simple as she really loves the hairdresser experience. I've had DDs and they adored being pampered and being made to feel special at the hair dressers, and a friends DD used to cut her hair too so that "the lady can fix it". Luckily for her though, her DD used to cut the ends and it just got progressively shorter.

I spend a lot of money paying for my daughter’s professional cuts so this would also drive me demented. If telling her off and getting it fixed has not worked, I would try completely ignoring it. Don’t even mention it the next time she does it. Don’t offer to brush it for her (if you usually help her do her hair for school I would refuse to do that too) and certainly don’t take her to a salon to fix it. If she eventually asks for it to be fixed, tell her that hair salons cost money and she will have to earn it - have her doing chores she doesn’t enjoy everyday for at least a week.
This might sound harsh but at 8 yrs old she is old enough to understand consequences.

That's what I wondered too. Are some of the children playing hairdressers at playtime? Or is she being bullied at all? Or maybe, she just likes to cut her own hair. Many things to consider but

she's 8

Her appearance does not matter to her

Let her be a child until peer pressure sadly forces her to become a mirror image of a barbie doll and wipes out individual choice and natural beauty.

Why does it matter - it's her hair not yours. her body, her choice!

My 9 year old still does this I think it’s just an impulse control situation.
Annoyingly my 9 year old has refused to hair hair cuts since she was about 5.
So has super long hair which is fine but then despite a her being offended at even the suggestion of a trim to the ends of her hair she will randomly cut chunks out of her hair whenever she uses scissors at school.
I think it’s just one of those things kids do that —hopefully— she will grow out of with maturity.
My other child is always looking smart, neat and tidy and I’ve just had to accept this one is feral 😂

I would suggest, providing you think she's happy and not doing this because of any bullying or abuse then I would ignore it. The more she does it the more attention you give her 'I've asked her loads' etc. refocus, ignore it. Maybe get a girls world head thing (remember them?) and spend time with her watching tv, playing, colouring. Chat about anything else but that. Maybe give her scissors and show her how to make chains of people that you fold out. Or folded paper snowflakes and make mobiles for her bedroom. It's cutting and productive. Good luck.

Make hee use her pocket money to pay for the hairdresser to correct it

I think if it’s not anxiety related and she is happy just totally ignore it. I think she will grow out of it entirely naturally as peer pressure/ teenage years kick in. Get her a styling head doll but I would just ignore the hair cutting.

Unless you think it is truly some kind of anxiety issue, then I would really just ignore it. It is just hair. It grows. I know you say you aren't overly focused on appearance but it may appear you are to your DD and this is her (early) way of rebelling as she is feeling pressure to meet standards that you are setting. I wonder what would happen if you actually complemented her on the way she cuts her hair....

@ReluctantAdult1

Kids are weird. If you mutter this to yourself when they do this shit it makes life much easier!

I don't think you're controlling or
precious about her clothes/looking presentable etc. you're what I'd call 'normal'.

I think the approach I'd take now (you've given her various options) is to ignore it, just carry on making sure her hair is clean & tying it up for school etc.

shes not going to look unkept just because there are some sticky out bits.

don't mention it again until she brings it up.

Leave it be. Do your best to pretend it doesn't bother you in the least, actually ignore it and pretend you haven't noticed anything. I'd choose this strategy for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, if it's attention seeking and doesn't get a response she may stop, but bare in mind that she might start something else if not getting what she feels she needs.
Secondly if she's a well behaved child, who always does as she's told and as a family you make quite a point of perfectly following rules and social norms then sometimes children feel the need to control parts of their lives more.
I believe that sometimes it's best to let children "rebel" in controllable, non harmful ways, ie cutting their own hair badly, putting on those god awful fake tattoos, drawing on their arms with pen. It's a bit similar to when teens dye their hair awful colours. They don't look objectively nice, but hopefully the fact that they feel they have "gone against the rules" is enough to not need to express this rebellion in something worse.
If you find however that someone else is doing it or it's a game and she's also cutting other people's hair,maybe at school, then intervene to put a stop to it.

I would try not to react to it at all.

Just ignore it when she does it and don't make any kind of fuss. Ultimately it's not hurting anyone - she just looks a bit silly but all eight year olds do silly things - either to get a reaction or just because they can!

I am now in the same situation with my own daughter and I've come to the conclusion that this is the correct analysis; ie she's fed up with me wanting her to look a certain way. So I'm just forcing myself not to go on about clothes and stuff now.