Do players ever change their spots?

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2023 12:39

Why bother being their guinea pig for fidelity?

If she wants to learn to be a decent person, she can try it out on someone else.

MogTheMoogle · 14/03/2023 13:47

Personally I couldn't entertain being in a relationship with a known "player", as you said, there would always be a doubt in my mind. Especially given that its recent - 6 months ago, going into their 40's, not exactly old history.

But, perhaps naively, I don't believe people NEVER change, that sometimes people do go from person to person, and then settle down; or cheat and never again.

For me, I'd be asking - what's suddenly changed that means the player life is no longer for her - is it you? I don't want to say you're not amazing, but how many others in the past has she declared they are "the one she'll pack it in for"? Or has another event happened?

Has she actually stopped....or is it just a lull in her busy dating schedule?

How far has she got in the other relationships? Perhaps a clumsy way of saying it, if you reach a previously un-obtained milestone, perhaps she really has changed. But likewise, try and imagine what point you'll have to reach before you could really trust she's genuine - if this point is never, then I wouldn't but if its a rough period of time, or milestone, perhaps. I wouldn't share this though.

Even if you feel you could come to trust her, could you manage your distrust in the meantime? I couldn't not trust, and would hate waiting every time I knew they were at a party, event or whatever, to see if they did/didn't bring someone home. Breathing a sigh of relief if I didn't hear they had, but also worrying...did they and now I won't find out for weeks.

Give it a shot or not. If you do, she could be completely committed, but the doubt will eat away at you and your relationship. Or she'll cheat, But the betrayal and hurt won't be any less just because you knew her history. If anything, it'll add to it in the "I can't believe I trusted her lies!". Or she'll be committed, trust will grow and you'll both have a wonderful relationship.

Original poster

crytsalsshinesobright · 14/03/2023 19:12

It's just a tough one for me as I do really like her.
The worry is i have seen her on nights out and I know what she's like.
It's attention off anyone and she just loves it
I think when she goes out I would just be worried constantly
I don't know how she can suddenly change

OP posts:

24KaratCucumber · 14/03/2023 19:13

In my experience, nope.

The core of a person rarely changes significantly enough to be noticed. They get better at hiding it, sometimes they can hide it for years, but it'll still be there.
It takes either a huge life altering experience or a lot of therapy for someone to really change

Beesandhoney123 · 14/03/2023 19:21

She probably thinks you'll put up with it if she slips up because you know what she is like.

It sounds quite stressful and you haven't even been on a date yet!

You know it will always bother you and you might question yourself that you aren't good enough if she reverts after a few drinks. What do her ex's say? Presumably they went into it with their eyes open.

Hawkins003 · 14/03/2023 19:23

crytsalsshinesobright · 14/03/2023 12:31

I'm 40 as is my friend who is also gay.
We have been friends for a year or so and have recently started talking as more than friends.
Now I know her pretty well and past behaviour.
She would sleep around,have different women on the go,she spoke to me previously how she loves the attention and all the women after her etc.
This was 6 months ago now
I've have seen her on nights out and she has previously got with anyone (including a male )
She has said now she's ready to pack that in.
Am I stupid for giving it a shot with her?
Will I always have the doubts of will she look elsewhere ?

Chances are it's a possibility they could be truthful but always be ready for them to say, you know this one person , etc

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 14/03/2023 19:27

crytsalsshinesobright · 14/03/2023 19:12

It's just a tough one for me as I do really like her.
The worry is i have seen her on nights out and I know what she's like.
It's attention off anyone and she just loves it
I think when she goes out I would just be worried constantly
I don't know how she can suddenly change

Your not comfortable with it. Your not suddenly going to get comfy with it either. In fact you will probably be even more uncomfortable with it should you enter a romantic relationship and you develop deeper feelings. So no, I would advise you step away from this one.

cakebytheoceon · 14/03/2023 19:29

I think you're better off remaining friends. You can use this as your get out of jail card " I don't want to ruin our friendship" and find someone else on a romantic level! X

MakeMineABombay · 14/03/2023 21:01

No. Until they get to that point where they are too old looks wise to get anything better so will stick with the best card available at that point.

For some people (very rich, very famous) that point never comes so they press on.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2023 23:31

You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he/she remains a leopard just the same.

Some players may be able to 'hold the pose', but for how long? Up to you if you want to take that chance.

TennisWithDeborah · 14/03/2023 23:46

I’ve found something different.

I’m 50 and I have had a few friends over the years who were players but who calmed down when they found the right (wo)man. My mate at work being a case in point - he spent his 20s cheating on one woman after another until bam!…he met someone on holiday and that was that. Faithful.

The cheats in my friendship/acquaintanceship circle over the last decade tend to be the steady types who’ve been married for years and are having some kind of crisis. “You’d never have expected John/Becky to cheat” is the usual refrain, as John/Becky goes off with someone from work or whatever.

I have given up predicting who will stray and who won’t, frankly!