Would you contact bio dad again or just leave it?

[Usernumber74736263]

I’m early thirties and never known my bio dad. Apparently he did see me a few times when I was small. When my mum was pregnant and engaged to be married to him, he had a one night stand and got another woman pregnant so had 2 babies in a short time.

Other baby has had a relationship with him, I have not. I think other mum pushed for a relationship whereas my mum did not. I know my half sibling which makes the situation more difficult for me. We were same age and went school together. Find out we were half siblings when we were a bit older.

part of me is really angry. Angry that he’s missed so much, angry that he never bothered, angry that he is a good dad to my half sibling who’s same age and also to his kids with his wife but why not me? Why am I not good enough. He also has one older than me supposedly who he doesn’t have contact with.

but at the same time I’ve always wanted to meet him but I’ve been too scared to tell my mum or contact him.

however, I did contact him once about 10 years ago. He took days to reply then apologised saying he had to speak to his wife before messaging me. I have a husband, I get it but he did hurt. Said that he may meet me one day but at the time his child was doing their GCSE’s and didn’t want to disrupt that, I get that too but I replied that I never even asked to meet, I messaged asking why he’d never bothered and I wasn’t asking to meet the whole family, I could have just met him. It was clear my younger half siblings didn’t know of my existence which is crazy considering my half sibling had contact with me and had to keep it a secret. I probably come across as quite rude - I am autistic and I can appear rude sometimes but I don’t mean to be. I shut it down, confided in DH who told me that’s all I needed to know, he rejected me and forget about him. DH tells me to forget him but I cannot, the man lives locally. He doesn’t really know his dad but he met him twice as an adult, realised what a dick his dad was and it give him closure. I’ve not had that in person

for a while I’ve not been thinking about it much but it’s quite often on my mind. A conversation with my mother has left me wondering again. She said how she was willing to forgive my father and really wanted to see him when I was a baby and he wanted to be with her too but my family banned her from seeing him, locking her in her bedroom and my male relatives threatening to hurt him if he comes near the house again. She said she would meet up with him at times outside the house. My mum always said he was a lovely man, not violent or anything but got another woman pregnant - he didn’t stay with her, it was literally a one night stand.

so it’s got me wondering did he really want to see my buy give up due to my family? Apparently my bio dads father turned up too and they wouldn’t let him in so he never met me, he’s now passed on. My uncles are pretty thuggish and violent and maybe bio dad was scared of them and give up?

but then 31 years have passed so why hasn’t he bothered since? Why was my same age half sibling worthy of his time and not me?

would you contact again after being rejected 10 years ago? Would you leave it? I don’t think he’s interested in contacting me.

Hi @Usernumber74736263

Be careful for what you wish for,

I say this as a Adult who was adopted as a child,

I have had a mixed bag experiences, cause of my very traumatic childhood being brought up in children's homes separated from all family to live in a different country plus losing my adoptive mother as a mid teens through cancer,
And other turbulent stuff too,

I say that your potential quest to seek your biological father,

You Need to for your emotional health well being need, to place importance to this as priority, first of all before even searching for your biological father,

to have good sound counselling therapies to address and support all the mixed up emotions that that a Dysfunctional another words messed up /fxcked up childhood creates emotional havoc chaos

As what worries me,
Is that you need to prepare yourself in case of potentialy finding out potential family skeletons on either sides of your families,

You Need to potentially be aware of you might find out your dad has potential another family that you maybe unaware of,

You may find out that your father is not a nice man, who maybe in reality be an unpleasant character,

He may even, sorry to have to say this to your Op,
for whatever reasons, he may not want to get to know you in the way that you like it to be,
such as form a connection a bond with you,

When I wanted to trace my natural biological family

I had counselling therapy recommended for me help me emotionally to cope with all those potential senerios that can happen when someone is adopted and tracing their family

I traced my father through social services in my area,
You can also trace family members through Salvation Army charity
With Salvation Army you will be expected to pay a fee

With social services it's free

Also social media such as Facebook can be useful in this way of tracing people,

Hi Op@Usernumber74736263

I was welcomed with open arms with meeting natural biological family such as Gran sisters and brothers and Aunties cousins

But I was rejected by my natural biological father
I found out he was married to someone else, cheated on his then wife ,
Got my teenager mother pregnant,

I Couldn't care less as he means nothing to me,
That he does not want to know me ever,

I feel far more hurt being rejected by my father who adopted me,
As I obviously know him, yes there is obviously a back story relates to my very traumatic childhood and losing my lovely adoptive mother at as a teenager,

I never met my natural biological mother who abandoned me, not her fault she couldn't care look after me, cause she was severely mentally ill in and out of hospitals for mentally unwell

I have no experience in this. But I would really think about it. You reached out to him and he gave you a rubbish excuse. I imagine you must be curious, but are you prepared for the possibility he won’t want to meet you, or just being disappointed in what you picture feeling a connection where there is none. It may well have been your family that stopped you having a relationship with him. Maybe there is more to it. I really think taking to a councillor who specialises in this area because taking any action. I hope it works out xx

Barnacles charity gave me counselling type sessions from what I rember,

As your situation with biological father is similar to an adoptive person seeking a family member,

I wonder whether Barnadoes charity still does this kind of thing therapy then?

I am not sure anymore

If not?

There must be other charties /organisations that do,
I know Mind mental health charity do counselling therapy session
Not sure if they are free or if you have to pay small nominal fee

Look up on Internet for various kinds of Therapies available

Could doctor surgery possibly refer you for therapies services at all?

Oops typo mistake
Barnadoes charity I ment to say

Sorry for your difficult journey but That’s a strange reply given she said in the OP she knows where her father is - he’s local - she’s contacted him before, she knows he has another family who don’t know about her…
but agree counselling would be a good idea

My father abandoned me when I was 6 after splitting from my mother. No contact from him for 35 years and he died last year. I went through a lot of different emotions about whether to establish contact growing up but finally came to realise that it was pointless. What I wanted was the dad I never had as a child, the one who stayed in contact and was interested in me, but he just never existed and trying to force someone to be what they're not ie a good dad was never going to work. Once I accepted that, all the angst and blame and guilt and uncertainty sort of faded away.

No experience but I think your family has a lot to answer for here. I can understand why he wouldn't contact you after years of being told to stay away had passed, no bond had been formed and he'd started a family.

I think in your shoes I would try and contact him again, yes. I'd make it clear you weren't expecting a close relationship necessarily, just a conversation to put your mind at rest.

Thank you. I think this could be the case. My mum always said he never bothered with you and it’s all him but more recently she’s been more honest about it all. But again I’m a parent and feel nothing would stop me. I feel like my mum and her family were hurt as he got another woman pregnant and I can understand that hurt but I feel like perhaps I was used as a weapon.

I am not after a relationship, I just want some form of explanation or closure tbh. Too much time has passed to have a relationship with someone I don’t know.

Thank you. Interesting insight. I do often wonder as morbid as it sounds how I would feel if he passed away. I would know pretty quickly as I’m friend with half sister and the guy lives locally. I’ve even passed him in the street before, I’ve seen photos and know what he looks like.

i don’t think I realised what I was missing when I was younger. I had my beloved grandad and he was so kind and like a father figure to me, he always told me how much of a nice man my dad was but quite often my grandad was sheltered from the issues in the family.

I just struggle that he’s clearly a good dad to his kids he lives with and to an extent my same age half sibling. She wasn’t overly close but did see him.

our mothers become friends as were half siblings. It’s like an episode of Jeremy Kyle here! 😂

Thanks all. I can find him very easily. Even know his place of work as he’s a local businessman and often read stuff now he donates to charity, schools etc. makes me cringe 😅🤦‍♀️ I’ve even passed him and his wife in the street but I don’t know him. I’d be too scared too approach.

I believe contact stopped at around 3. I don’t think it was regular contact before this, just sporadically here and there. I have no memory of it at all. From what I can gather he was occasionally seeing me at the park away from the house with my mother present but the last time was when we brought now wife along on a visit and my mum stopped it. I can see both sides here!