Help needed please

[Daz57]

My daughter died suddenly 4 years ago. I was and am heartbroken and devastated.
My grandson was 21 at the time and I told him he could arrange his mummy’s ceremony as he wanted and we would help him. Therefore we had to go along with what he wanted and could cope with. Essentially we had a very small commital in the morning followed by a celebration of her life in our local church in the afternoon.
As we were so limited to numbers in the morning we could not invite all of my nieces and nephews. My sister took great exception to this and and was very nasty to me on the day, at the crematorium. She came to the drinks afterwards and was horrible. I tried to hug her when she left. She pushed me away and said that she would never see me again.

This has been so hard for me but what I am struggling with is that my 3 brothers and my other 2 children continue to see her at her family events. She lives about 3 hours from us. Her daughter (my goddaughter) got married last year, my daughter was her bridesmaid and all my family went. My husband and I were not invited. This is eating me up as I feel they are so disloyal and I am really struggling to find some peace and acceptance. I was hoping someone might have an idea of how I can move on from this situation as I am now jeopardising my relationship with my brothers. Thank you for bearing with me.

Hi Daz

This is so hard as you were trying to do right by your GS, who'd just lost his Mum.

It sounds like your sister saw not inviting her kids to the smaller committal as a sub. Have you tried explaining why the necessary and nephews weren't invited? Could ypu write a letter? Something like "I'd really like to talk to you about what happened. It wasn't that we chose not to have them there. It was that GS wanted X venue, and we didn't have the space. I honestly did not see that this would be so hurtful to you, but obviously, it was. For that, I am sorry. I miss you and want us to start over".

Other than apologising and trying to explain, all you can do is try to work around the family split.

That just have been very hard, to arrange a funeral for your daughter and to have someone kick off during such a difficult day.

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your sister is very understanding and you’re better off without that relationship but by holding resentment against your family for attending her events will only mean you drive them away. Do not let her have that power over you.

I agree with the OP but I don’t think I’d focus my letter on her, I would write a letter to all the different family members. For example to your god daughter to congratulate her on the wedding, to explain you were disappointed to not be invited because you would have loved to celebrate with her but understand she may have had her own reasons and that you hope that any previous problems can be forgotten about so everyone can move on.

Thank you. I have written a letter to my sister but have not had the courage to post it. But writing to my brothers is something I hadn’t thought of. I am harbouring so much resentment that it is making me ill.

She did realise why we organised the funeral that way, because of my grandsons wishes. She called me the evening before so I tried to explain then. But there was no way I could have changed it then.