Are my expectations of my friends too high?

[NeonHalo]

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. We’re all beside ourselves. She’s a very central part to our whole family. I have two young children who adore her. It will be another few weeks until we hear the extent of potential spread/find out staging. She had breast cancer when I was growing up too so it’s all horribly familiar.

I’ve messaged a few friends to let them know. One was amazing and supportive. One literally hasn’t responded but clearly told his wife who did send me a lovely message (from her, not including him) but I’m most upset about my friend of 20 years who hasn’t responded at all. I sent the message on Friday evening. Am I expecting too much to have heard something back by now? She and I are both very close to our mums so I expect she can imagine that this is a hard time. We don’t get to see each other in person very often and don’t have anything imminent organised. We’ve had a lot of contact (messages) though recently (every few days) as she’s been quite depressed so maybe that plays a part in this.

I actually don’t like a lot of attention myself but happy to give it to my friends. Just bit taken aback that she hasn’t written at all but I’m all over the place emotionally right now so maybe being self absorbed. Thanks.

You say she has depression? Have you ever experienced depression. My guess is she's sitting at home, thi King of you, feeling desperately sorry for you, but just doesn't have the capacity to reach out and support you at the moment. That's possibly even the brighter interpretation. The darker one is she's struggling with feelings of "what use would I be to her? I'll make everything worse. It should be me that's got cancer, nobody would miss me"

I know this is a really difficult time for you but you r friend isn't ignoring you because she doesn't care, is she?

Sorry. Am trying to get everyone ready for school.

I just mean to say - if she's that close of a friend, an old friend, who would normally step up and be there to the point this behaviour seems like an aberration, then I suspect it's the depression you mentioned that's to blame, rather than a lack of care for you and your lovely mum.

I do think your expectations are a little high. People get cancer diagnoses so regularly these days. And you don’t yet know how treatable your mums will be. For you it’s understandably horrifying and like the bottom has fallen out of your world but for a friend they probably just don’t get it. And think ‘oh that’s terrible’ but don’t yet feel the potential reality of this like you do. I’m not explaining well but I’ve lots of good friends. Most of them have something they’re dealing with with their elderly parents. I’m not sure I’d react too much if another friend had a parent diagnosed. (But will certainly be more aware having read how upsetting you’re finding friends lack of reaction). Not because I don’t care but more because it’s become all too normal for all my friends to have a parent with dementia/stroke/heart attack/cancer/major depression.

This is a pretty odd perspective - it might be ‘normal’ but it’s still new to that friend.

Agree with PP who said the depression may be the reason.

If your friend has depression it might be that she’s struggling. I’m a carer to two disabled children and sometimes find it really hard to respond to people as I’m just really ground down.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum.

Have you ever experienced depression. My guess is she's sitting at home, thi King of you, feeling desperately sorry for you, but just doesn't have the capacity to reach out and support you at the moment.

That’a an interesting perspective - it certainly applies to my mother. One of her friends had a hideous form of cancer a year or so ago and was constantly hand wringing - “I can’t stop thinking about Susan….” So I didn’t understand why she didn’t get in her car and go and visit Susan. Or write to Susan. Or phone her. Or speak to her daughter. Some people maybe can’t handle it/don’t know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing?

If she has depression, it could be that replying to messages is to much.
I'm the same I'm disabled with a disabled dc and a dc with health issues and sometimes I'm just so grounded into the ground I don't have the energy to reply to messages sometimes for months it's different if they tell me in person of course I'll be supportive but messages is another ball game, I would imagine your friend is the same.
Please don't take it personally, I'm sorry about your mum op. Hopefully the drs can get it all and she's cancer free.

I don't think you are expecting too much, though hopefully she will respond in the next couple of days.

I've stepped away from friends who go silent for long periods because they are overwhelmed or 'being gentle with themselves'. If you can't rely on someone to be there during your darkest points what is the point of being friends. I have suffered severe depression so know what it is like - it would stop me meeting in person, it wouldn't stop me sending a message. And yes I know not everyone reacts the same.

Thanks for your replies.

@CatMattress I really appreciate your thoughts and honestly you’re right. It has to be this. I’ve been a bit stuck in my own head this weekend and probably haven’t thought it through enough beyond just feeling a bit hurt. Thank you.

Interesting comments re this just being the norm in elderly parents. My mum isn’t elderly, we’re all in our early 30s and in our friendship group our mums are active, healthy women in their 60s. So this isn’t very typical. I know that what is massive for me might not be for others but I would still
acknowledge this as a big deal however common it might be. But I do see that point too and we are all different I guess.

Yeah I’d be pretty annoyed tbh. Would make me reevaluate the friendship.

I think maybe your expectations are a bit high although I would definitely reply to a friend if I received such a text. It wouldn’t be a OMG reply it would be I’m here if you ever want to chat text.
Maybe it’s my own experience of cancer that’s swayed the way I deal with it. My DB, DSIL, myself, my best friend and many other relatives have had or still have cancer and are all in their 40’s to mid 60’s.

So sorry about your mum. I am thinking of you.
I am a good listener too and have been so disappointed in my BBf . She unloads all her problems onto me but when my child was undergoing major surgery not a word! Human nature is weird. I've found that people are basically just concerned about their own lives. My expectations have lowered !

Given your update then I think it's a poor show. I would expect seeing as you've been messaging recently her to at least say "so sorry this sounds really worrying I'm thinking of you all" etc. Takes 10 seconds. I hate "Friday friends" and have none of them now.

This could be you focusing on something instead of your DMs cancer to worry at, or it could be your friend is a lot more self absorbed than you realised as your normal interactions are more about her through your own choice.
Time will tell with your friend as your DMs prognosis and treatment progresses.
If your friend is not able or willing to communicate with you about this major event in your life, communication will naturally dwindle.
Try not to focus your hurt and worry about your DM on her right now and just see how things go.
I know well the anxiety & fear around waiting for results and treatment plans.
Do whatever you need to gain comfort right now, wether that's being with your DM as much as possible or throwing yourself into spring cleaning the house, work etc.
Hang in there, I wish your DM all the best 💐

Other people are also going through shit. It's not unreasonable to think that they don't care but also maybe they just can't right now.

I'm so sorry your lovely Mum is facing another bout of cancer treatment.

I don't think your expectations are too high. Two of your friends have responded poorly. This could be because they are selfish dicks, or it could be that they are struggling with their own problems. If they are usually good and supportive friends I would give them the benefit of the doubt, particularly your friend of 20 years who it sounds like would usually be there for you.

I hope your mum gets some good news

I don't think your expectations are to high. It doesn't take a moment to send a brief but supportive message. As another poster said, surely that's when your friends should be there for you, at your worst times.

However from previous experience I was badly let down by 2 friends I had supported through their bad times, lending emotionally, physical and practical support. No support from them when I needed it, so I have taken a massive step back, and although we haven't fallen out as such, the closeness has gone and I think much less of them.

This may have affected my answer a bit. I hope your mum is OK and you get some support through this difficult time.

Thanks again for all the replies. Such different thoughts about it too which is reassuring as I do feel conflicted about it. I have huge sympathy for her depression and I don’t know what it feels like to be her right now, but I guess not responding is just not something I can relate to.

Such kind and positive messages on here too, I really appreciate it. I’ll just give her some time for now and see what happens if and when she is in touch.

I think this sort of thing separates the wheat from the chaff wrt friendship.

Me too. Have done too, for less than thisS

If she's a good friend, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that something may be going on in her own life and she just couldn't respond right away to that news, for whatever reason. Could she have found out similar news about a family member or herself recently? Could she be struggling with infertility or a pregnancy loss she hasn't mentioned? Could she have had a bad flare up of her depression?

I have a good friend who I talk with quite a bit about family issues. She really helped me deal with estrangement from my own mum. This was happening at the same time as her mum was very ill (and eventually passed) from lung cancer. There were truly times when she would message me with an update and I couldn't respond for days or a week. I had my own stuff to cope with and as much as I love her, I couldn't cope with her stuff too on certain days. I lost my dad to cancer when I was much younger, and granted we were just younger and more immature then, but my friends found it really tough to hear about.

Knowing that, if you have a long good friendship, I'd be inclined to trust that maybe she just needed a few days to process the news and figure out the right thing to say.

@mindutopia thanks for the thoughtful response. I assume it must be that she feels too burdened with her own stuff to reply. I don’t need much from her, just some acknowledgement really, but maybe she doesn’t realise that and feels she needs to go into full support mode but doesn’t have the energy. I wonder whether it will be mentioned (the time passing I mean) when she does get in touch. Sort of worried something might have happened now but don’t want to get in touch again!

I a lot older than you and I'm what I'd class as a low maintenance friend. My close friends are from childhood and although we are all on different social paths and have been for many years, I would be quite hurt if they didn't acknowledge news like this.