Terminal illness in extended family member

[Legoandloldolls]

I have found out that a family member is facing a terminal illness. They are very young. I would say I feel quite upset but we are close but not immediate family. I'm not sure I have the right to be upset as they have people much closer who are going through hell right now. I don't want to make this about my feelings in any way. But I just feel useless, like I should do something, send a gift. But I'm not immediate family. Would this be seen as weird? A friends husband died a few years ago and the socail etiquette around death, dying etc I find hard to navigate. I would never, ever say I'm upset to their inner circle. What I also find hard is that my dh hasn't seemed to react to the news at all. Its his biological relative. But I have equally watched them grow up. I am supporting inwards into the inner circle. What's the right thing to do? Offer support then step back I guess? Thats what i am doing. I don't want to inadvertently upset anyone but at the same time I don't want to do nothing. Really there's nothing I can do. Which makes me feel inert. It's so unfair

Send them a condolence card. That let's them know you are thinking of them but isn't OTT

Sorry I just reread that. I thought you had said they had died. It's getting late. Don't send a card!

Maybe you could just text them say sorry to hear your news. Just letting you know we are thinking of you.

Done this, and to their primary carer. Said no Need to reply but I'm thinking of them all.

You're allowed your own grief. From the sound of it, it is someone you've watched grow up and someone who will die at a young age - "before their time". Both are reason enough to feel grief when someone does or is going to die.

You don't need to guage your reaction to your husband's. He could be underreacting for many reasons or may just not experience grief in the same way.

You seem sensible enough that you won't wade in crying on their shoulders. Some thoughtful contact to the person themselves and/ or to their parents or siblings would be appropriate. You are sorry to hear, you are thinking of them etc.

People can be so terrified of death and dying that they shut down and avoid the closest family. Don't do that.

Depending on how things go you could do practical things to help? Shopping, dog walking, looking after kids - things that will allow the people close to this young person to spend more time with them. You might be in the perfect place to help by not being "too close".

Thank you @NCGrandParent yes far too young. I keep thinking of them as a toddler and all the things they will never get to do now. It's so awful. I don't know if dh is in shock or disbelief. Feel heartbroken for their parents and siblings. They must be terrified. It's hard to comprehend.

Yes. Dont
When my DH was very ill so many people seemed to want to make it about them and how it was affecting them
They were bloody hard work- wanting updates, visits, constantly sending gifts that needed looking after etc

Definitely not doing of this. I was very very careful to never say anything about my feelings when my friends husband died. I cried at the funeral but well out of friends sight.
Any updates are coming via another relative. Don't know any details and no one is asking, just taking the info that is being shared. Beyound saying im thinking of them, there's no questions. I can see why people withdraw in case they get it wrong. Any questions I have had I have Googled. The only facts I know are that this can't get better, can't go away. I don't really think we need much more info than that. I do wonder about timeliness. I don't know how long is left. I don't know if I'm going to see them again if it's weeks / months. I doubt they will want visitors if its weeks. Maybe the only thing I can do is support the relative who is in direct contact. It's all very raw. Possibly never going to see them again and I need to accept that. It's just a very bleak prognosis and nothing I do will help ease that.

Let them know that if they want someone to rant and rave to, without overburdening the closer family members, you are there for them. Just a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on can mean so much.

Do remember that you too are allowed your grief. Maybe to your family given it's not one of their family members?

I remember my DM and my DM's SIL were distraught at my Aunt's passing, she was my DF's little sister and they all saw her grow up even though they weren't her family.

One of the things all of us extended family did was to do all the running around for the wake etc because my uncle was a wreck and my cousins were so lost they didn't know what to do, so we helped carry the burden for the formalities.