Feeling pretty crap

[Feelingtheblues]

I feel like a 16yo writing this but am just a bit upset generally. Does anyone else have trouble developing lasting friendships no matter how much effort you put in? I've been like this every since I left school - still have very good school friends but I just don't seem to ever just click with people enough for them to become good friends and other people seem to find it so easy. My NCT group kind of drifted, though I know a few of the other girls kind of paired off and are still in touch more.
I know it gets harder to stay in touch with people you meet with preschoolers as they all go to different schools/have more kids etc so when my eldest started school I thought I'd really make the effort to try to be social and got involved with volunteering with the PTA etc. At first it seemed to work and I felt like I got quite friendly with a few of the other mum's, we had some good nights out. Since my youngest started however, I feel very out of the loop socially. A lot of the mums I get on with have kids who are all friends, so were all doing playdates together while my DC wasn't really part of that group. Recently I've seen/heard of a few nights out that I wasn't included in and it's just really upset me, given that I thought I was on good terms with a lot of those involved. I honestly don't think they're deliberately excluding me, more just I don't register a thought when they're organising, which frankly is almost as hurtful. I feel like I've put in so much time trying to get to know people by volunteering my time and putting myself out over the years, and it's counted for nothing.

It feels like this is a recurring theme throughout my adult life - people like me well enough for a chat, but I don't merit the effort of maintaining/deepening a friendship with. Working part time is hard as I'm always a bit out of the loop at both work and school, plus I'm quite introverted by nature. I just feel sad that I don't seem to be able to develop the kind of easy friendships that others seem to manage without any effort😔Don't know what I expect from this post tbh, but just needed to offload somewhere.

Hi OP
I don't have any helpful advice except I know how you feel! One thing to say is that you don't know what's going on in those friendships and there could be all kids of tensions etc. But I understand it still hurts to feel left out, I think it's a really common feeling. Do you have a partner, what do they say?

Thanks for your reply. My OH is even more introverted than I am and I think it's even harder for him to make friends, both as a bloke and now he's mostly WFH. His best friends are also old school friends. He's lovely about it and is genuinely my best friend but we both agree that beyond a certain point it's kind of out of my hands. He did suggest me trying to organise some socials, but that gives me huge anxiety especially now I'm not really sure where I stand friendship-wise with some of the other parents. I evidently thought we were friendlier than we actually were.

Sorry to hear it OP. He sounds nice. I don't know what to suggest except others are feeling the same way. Instead of this group that goes out together are there any other similarly independent bods that you could try chatting to? I know it's hard though especially if your confidence has been knocked. But don't give up.

I probably look from the outside that I have many friends and am always chatting at the school gate etc, but I often feel lonely inside. There have been many threads along these lines - not sure how to link but there's one called 'Nearly 40 where have all my friends gone' or similar.

My last tip, when you do go for coffee etc do you ask questions of the other person? I've met several people who never do this, which makes me less inclined to seek them out. Another issue might be if you don't volunteer any personal stuff but just stay on the small talk level over several meet ups. But equally don't cry over someone each time!! I'm sure you do none of these things though. It's just hard.