Not coping - but I don't have a choice

[NotCopingButIHaveTo]

Hoping venting a little on here will help. DH and I are early forties, we have 3 year old DD and second baby due in early August. I have a very pressured job and my working life is very stressful. DH was recently diagnosed with incurable cancer. He will shortly be starting very aggressive treatment that will buy him some time - they won't tell us how much time, and there's also a chance he could have a stroke at any time because the cancer has spread into his brain.

Today DH has gone out to do his hobby - this is fine by me, I want him to enjoy these things while he can, he will be having surgery that will leave him incapacitated for months and then radiotherapy. But I am really struggling with DD. She's probably just a typical threenager but every time she ignores me when I ask her to do/stop doing something etc. I feel so angry and I've shouted at her twice already today. It doesn't help that we don't have many options when it comes to things to do - due to a visual impairment I no longer meet driving standard so we can't jump in the car and go somewhere. We're limited to the local park. And it's bucketing down so not much fun.

We don't have family nearby, and my close friends live in other parts of the UK. I have one good friend in our village but although she regularly offers to help, I've asked her to babysit twice in the last few months and she's not been able to, and when I asked her the other day if she had half an hour to chat in the next few days, she wasn't able to due to her own family commitments (fair enough, she's busy).

I just feel so incredibly stressed and isolated. Probably not helped by the fact I was supposed to go on a trip with friends before DH starts treatment but I can't go now as it's a Zika area (booked before I got pregnant) so the one little bright spot has been taken away.

I'm just so mentally exhausted and scared about what lies ahead. I can't stop crying. But I have to work and look after DD and keep going for DH.

Thank you for reading this, if anyone has!

Goodness that’s awful 🙁I’m so sorry you’re going through so much OP.

Could your DH’s cancer nurse signpost you any practical help?

You have a lot on your plate and you know there’s very difficult times ahead. I’m sorry things are so tough at the moment. Mid-long term OP, I really think you need to move somewhere with excellent public transport links and not too far from some family support if possible. You need options beyond the local park.

I have no real advice here but I just wanted to say how incredibly difficult this all sounds and say that you are doing so well to be coping as you are.

is there anyone (even far away) in the family that you could reach out to? If there was ever a time for that, this would be it.

do you have a financial situation which would allow you to get additional help with your childcare? Does work have an employee assistance programme where you could have some sessions with a councellor (I’m not saying you need councelling, rather that having someone to talk to may be helpful?)
are your work aware of what is happening at home?

please care of yourself, I just wanted to send some solidarity. I’ve been in situations before where I just ‘had’ to cope. It’s awful, please be kind to yourself.

So sorry you're going through this. Plan for Monday:

Ring the hospice and ask for help
Ring the health visitor and ask for help
Large glass of something tasty but non alcoholic when the threenager has gone to bed

Pay someone yo do any jobs which you are trying to juggle while looking after your child.

While you are coping with so much your ability to multi task is depleted and shouting at her will make you feel worse. If she's used to being at nursery she will be used to constant supervised activity and times naps, so she is more likely to be demanding of your time. Plan your day together: build a blanket fort, have a picnic in it, play a game, learn a clapping song, have a nap, do each other's hair. Let her 'help' with simple jobs.
Rest when she rests.
Outsource the jobs that you can: cleaning, ironing, food prep ( buy part prepped meals) to conserve your energy for the things that you must carry. You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of the others.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am in a similar situation myself , a cancer diagnosis is hell and all consuming isn’t it . I’m being vague but for me there’s also severe learning difficulties and a recent close family bereavement to add to the mix. I keep being told to make time for myself but how and when !
I do find that offloading every so often helps. If I can I visit a Maggie’s centre , my nearest is half an hour away although I must admit I find it hard to find the time to go , so if things get too much I call them . Sometimes I don’t even know what to say , but it all comes flooding out . They are so kind , have so much experience in anything you might ask them , either practical or emotional. It just helps to clear my head a bit and carry on . And also to feel that all my feelings are completely normal.
Lots of love x

Agree with @Letstaketotheskies I can't have a driving licence for medical reasons but live in London with excellent public transport so it's no issue. If your VI isn't going to improve then you need a plan to be able to get put and about with your dcs when they get older, or you'll go mad. If London is out of budget, most university cities have good public transport - we've had City breaks in Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham all fine without a car.

Make sure your DH is claiming for everything he can financially (PIP, possibly ESA). You can get a Carer's Assessment by social services to get support, although if you have money to throw at the problem then that will be quicker.

Sadly, I have no words of wisdom but I just wanted to let you know that it sounds like you're incredible with so much on your plate!
What is public transport like near you?
I know you said it's raining but could you put her coat and wellies on and go and let her splash about at the park?
Take care

I'm so sorry op, it's just awful when everything is so stressful and there is no light at the end of the tunnel in sight.

There are charities that can help you get every bit of help you're entitled to, macmillan is a good one.

Are you getting all the benefits you can claim? That would be a good place to start. If you can sort out a little extra, as you and your dh both have disabilities, then you can put that money towards getting a little respite for your dc, or towards a cleaner or even travel so you can go to different places.

Depending on your area there are sometimes local charities that can help out with a caravan holiday for a week or similar too so it's definitely worth looking into.

I am a single parent living with cancer in a pretty similar situation, no transport, no help, no family, and it's absolutely soul destroying so you definitely have my sympathies op 💐

When I'm struggling and my dc are bored I've made little craft kits up, they just have what they need for each project so not much mess (unlike taking the damn craft box out) and it diffuses the situation of dc being bored and me being irritated and gives us something to focus on. I've found it really helpful to have them.

That sounds really stressful 💐 Take a step back from everything if you can. Holiday will just have to be cancelled, maybe do something in the uk. My three year old picked up on my stress when going through a bad time and she totally picked up on it and had a tantrum/said no to everything. Luckily stress has subsided and she's a much calmer/happier child. It's hard enough dealing with a defiant threenager let alone everything else you've got going on. Xx

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with pp you need to do as much practical stuff as you can to ease your stress. You certainly need to look at living options with better transport links otherwise you isolation will only increase. Reach out to charity's or organisations who can advise on your options.

Thank you, everyone. I think I needed to write this all down as some sort of pressure release. I honestly couldn't stop crying earlier. It makes me so sad that other people are going through similar situations - it's unfair that life can be so cruel.

Money is definitely going to be a problem very soon. We both earn good salaries but we wiped out our savings on many cycles of IVF to have our DD and we did some renovations before the current pregnancy. DH is only entitled to 8 weeks of company sick pay but he's going to be off for months, and I'll be on maternity (something else that breaks my heart - I'll have to go back to work four months after the baby is born, when enhanced mat pay stops, and hand a tiny baby over to a nursery all day). So we'll be dependent on my income. I don't think we'd be entitled to any benefits although I will have a look.

As for moving, it's definitely something that's been on my mind, but at the moment, I can't take that on, on top of everything else.

I think I'm just particularly tired today, so I don't have the energy to properly play with DD. This pregnancy has been worrying - low Papp-A, which is an indicator that the placenta isn't working properly, which means risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, pre-eclampsia (again), low birth weight etc.

Nothing seems easy at the moment and unfortunately when DH's treatment starts in earnest, it's only going to get harder.

Thank you so much for the words of support, everyone.

Oh I am so, so sorry for your situation.

1. Contact Macmillan, Marie Curie etc asap. They have support centres and staff that help both patients and families and will help with claiming benefits, transport to appointments etc.
2. Contact Young Carers for your eldest.They run trips, days out, eve ing and wekend activities and provide transport. Your DD doesn't need to be carrying the burden of house work to qualify, she should qualify based on your eyesight and husband's diagnosis. Practical advice aside, all I can do is send a huge hug. 🌺

Some disability payments aren't means tested op, the process of applying can be a little daunting, but I think there's an AMA (or maybe its in chat I can't remember) from an assessor on here which would be helpful, or there will be a department at your local council who can help with the forms.

What a horrid horrid situation to be in.

As others have said;

Ring the hospice and ask for help
Ring the health visitor and ask for help

I'd also refer yourself to Home start on Monday. You can self refer. They allocate you a trained volunteer who can come alongside to give you whatever support you need. Could be taking your little one out, could be shoulder to cry on, lots of different ways they help. It's a charity. There isn't a charge.

www.home-start.org.uk/

PIP isn’t means tested, I’m almost 100% on that and your DH will definitely qualify and as his diagnosis is terminal his case will be expedited.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though you are all having a really rough time.

Do you have critical illness cover through your mortgage or through your husband's pension?

PIP is definitely not means tested and is backdated to the day you put the application in. It’s fast tracked for cancer so 100% do this or ask a cancer support charity to help. The forms are horrible.

Apologies for asking but does your DH have life insurance? Some will pay out early if the prognosis is poor. Same, I think with pensions.

No other real advice other than to say this is awful and I’m thinking of you.