Advice about possibly anorexic adult son please

[oddUsername]

Adult son 22 started off harmlessly joining the gym a year or so ago and we noticed he started going for long runs this wasn't unusual on its own but he'd be constantly checking his steps on his watch all day.
I notice he leaves for work without any breakfast now and I don't know what he eats during the day.
I used to make a packed lunch but he doesn't want that now, again reasonable on its own, he says he prefers to buy something hot as he's on the road a lot with work so could be just that.

He doesn't eat much of the family meal I prepare but he will pick out the meat and then says he's stuffed.
I've always filled the fruit bowl every week and he doesn't touch it and the fridge food remains untouched.
He is so thin his hip bones protrude and his stomach dips in so his jeans don't stay up and all his size Small clothes are hanging off him.
I had brought this up with him but he just says I'm fine mum or I'll have something later and then doesn't.
He stands most of the time and goes up and down on tip toes claiming it's leg exercise and he paces up and down at home constantly monitoring his step count.
He wasn't overweight to begin with he just joined the gym for something to do when he moved back home last year after a relationship ended, this was hard on him and seems to be the starting point and now he has become completely immersed in it and only eats eggs or meat.
He also buys protein shakes which he has before the gym I'm not really clued up on them but dh says they are to enhance performance at the gym.
He honestly ate more when he was 6.
I know he's an adult now and it's up to him what he has but honestly as his mum I'm so worried about this, it sounds like anorexia to me.
Any advice would be very helpful.

Anyone?

I think you are right to be worried. It isn't something I have experienced as a carer but I work with young adults with ED as a psychologist. It's very hard to get people to acknowledge when eating patterns are disturbed in the early stages of ED especially if they are focusing on fitness. It's really pernicious because what ED do is disrupt our typical relationship with food and make us hyper focus on negative signals about our bodies (we're too big, feeling full is disgusting etc) and negative signals about food (it's greasy, too much, it will make me feel sick) so we never feel able to just relax. What worries me is the picking at family meals, which suggests feeling tense around food. A young busy person skipping meals, having protein shakes and choosing to grab hot lunches with colleagues is not worrying. But he's fit and busy, you would expect him to be hungry at meals when he eats with you.

I think a frank conversation about your concerns may help. You cannot coerce him to change and if it is ED he will prob need psych support. So you can only offer support. But be clear that you know he has had a tough time emotionally, he has lost weight, he is eating less than before, if food and mood are an issue he can see his GP. He may deny it initially which is why being frank but unemotional is important (don't talk about how you feel worried or argue about whether his weight is normal or not, IF he has an ED and is in denial you won't win). Leave the door open for him to talk to you if he needs to.

Psych support does exist, men are under diagnosed. Recovery is possible, but sooner is better.

I really hope talking to him is constructive.

It does sound like he has an eating disorder and that it was likely triggered by his relationship breakdown.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be very worried.

I'd definitely have a look at the BEAT website, where you'll find some good advice. X

Is he just thin or is he gaining muscles too?
Most men want to bulk up and strengthen their muscles. This usually happens quickly for them because of their hormones. If he is just thin without muscle bulk then he has to eat more.

Here's the link. Lots of support and info for friends and relatives of the person with an eating disorder.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

@OllytheCollie thank you that's very helpful.

I will have a look thank you

No he doesn't have any muscle, I could wrap my thumb and finger round his wrist.
He is very thin, you can see it in his face.

How is he himself... mood, mental health. I would be worried too. I really hope he's open to some help and counselling.

I don't have any great advice but I have seen the same in a friend's son. It also started with a relationship breakdown, he has become obsessed with running but he is barely eating and looks ill. I think eating disorders in young men are not talked about enough.

So sorry to hear this OP but as the mother of a recovered anorexic it's pretty clear to me he does have AN.
As he is an adult you cannot march him to a GP. A conversation is def in order to express concern, love and support. Nothing may come of that first chat but repeating it will hopefully nudge him to find help.
Often AN sufferers are desperate for help but unable to ask as the ED is controlling their every waking moment.
This pattern of striving for fitness (all seemingly harmless) leading to healthier eating (again all seemingly harmless) leading to weight loss (not harmless) and then an ED is common. EDs are psychological illnesses brought on by weight loss in those genetically predisposed. The brain is essentially starved of nutrients leading to a v serious mental illness.
This part of the Beat website is a good place to start www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/worried-about-a-friend-or-family-member/

He was heartbroken initially when he moved back home last year, but he's picked himself up and seems to be happy again.

An ED is a brilliant way of dealing with other difficult feelings because it takes over every waking moment. He may be unconsciously using to avoid dealing with the breakdown of his relationship.

Eating Disorders are partly a way of exercising control. He may feel he had no control over his relationship breakdown and has no control over the feelings of pain from it. However, the absorbing business of running, exercising, exercising your own choice over food and seeing results may be addictive. Also, a feeling to reinvent yourself. "I''ll show him or her who or what I can be or look." In seeking help or helping him yourself, increasing opportunities for him to get absorbed in other distracting activities or making him aware of the many choices in life he may have so young - where to work, study, live etc. will help. I think many anorexics know, at some level, that their behaviour gets to a stage where it does not make sense. Often, challenging them on it, even caringly, can make them feel guilty, get defensive and dig in more, which is a minefield to navigate. Love to you and him, and I really hope you can get him the professional help he needs.

@AllInADay I think you might have hit the nail on the head with there.

Eating Disorders are partly a way of exercising control. He may feel he had no control over his relationship breakdown and has no control over the feelings of pain from it.
He does try to put on a front and make out he's fine but I think it had a big effect on him which I understand his first love and heartbreak.
Although I genuinely think he's over that now and it's become an ED but that could certainly have been the trigger.

I personally don’t believe in this “control” narrative. EDs are primarily about what you look like and how much you weight.
It’s about the reinventing of self (physically) like you stated.

I agree EDs are not about control. The behaviours that lead to weight loss (controlling exercise and or food) maybe about control but the ED weight loss leads to is nothing about control
In fact the sufferer loses control to there ED. Many sufferers talk about an ED voice that berates and bullies the sufferer preventing them from getting better even though they know what they need to do to get better. They are prevented from doing so.
It's a psychotic illness and extremely complicated.

EDs are primarily about what you look like and how much you weight.
It’s about the reinventing of self (physically) like you stated.

this is also not always true. My DD's AN was nothing about appearance or weight. She still got AN following weight loss

Anorexia Nervosa is very definitely not a form of psychosis and whilst people with it often describe the ED as a third party which overrides their agency, they are in thrall to etc the key distinction is that they are also aware that the ED is not a strictly real separate entity. When people describe the voice of their ED they can also explain this is a metaphor for the experience of control these thoughts have over them. People experiencing psychotic states struggle to distinguish the real and not real. Obviously people can have ED and psychosis though it isn't especially common.

None of that changes how compelling eating disorders are once they begin and how much support people need to change their ways of thinking.

Sorry yes not psychosis... I mis spoke.