Urgh. 12/13 year old friendship issues. Please help!

[HardySwine]

DD (year 8) has never been the most natural communicator and the idea of making friends has always been a source of anxiety.

When she started at secondary school she found herself a lovely trio which soon became a firm, inseparable group of five. All birthday parties have been done together, shopping trips, school discos, they always commit to sticking together.

As lovely as it’s been, I’ve always felt slightly uneasy about it because of the very high likelihood of fallings out. I’ve tried to encourage DD to nurture other friendships, and while there are a couple of other names that crop up, she doesn’t like these girls’ other friends, so she’s limiting herself to brief interactions rather than proper hanging out.

Sorry, this is long already and I haven’t managed to get to the point yet 😳

DD has recently made it very clear that she actually can’t stand one of the girls in her close group and it’s making her really bloody miserable. The problem is she absolutely refuses to step away. It’s her birthday next month and she seems resigned to the fact that this girl will be part of her celebrations. I’ve suggested we just say we’re doing something different this year and go away for the weekend instead, but she won’t hear of it. It’s like she needs to stick to the script and do what’s always been done as expected. Her ideal world be to return to the original trio, but this doesn’t seem to be an option as she’s the only one feeling like this.

Any words of wisdom or experience with this? It’s like she’s trapped in a cycle of misery thanks to not liking this girl and the fear of having no friends 😢

Sorry, just as some extra information, DD doesn’t particularly have friends outside of school, and although she has hobbies, they’re more the sort of activities you do in isolation alongside others, rather than group/team activities iyswim. Even during breaks or competitions she tends to keep to herself, because that’s just her natural way.
We moved away from her first home four years ago so her best friend from those days lives 45 minutes away.

Has DD explained why she doesn’t like this other girl?

I know it sounds harsh but unless there is actual bullying involved, if it’s just a clash of interests or personality I think you need to leave DD to make her own choices and figure it out. At that age, friendships come and go and yes it will be very hard for her but it’s part of growing up.

I had best friends I was inseparable from up until year 9 when everyone fell out. The group reshifted, I cried a lot, spend weeks eating lunch alone but then found 3 new friends. Now 15 years later I’m 28 and we’re all still best friends. Sometimes things are meant to happen the way they do.

Thank you. She has told me why she doesn’t like the girl but I didn’t think it fair or appropriate to go into that. For what it’s worth, I can see what she’s saying and completely agree with her.

I’m sure you’re right about leaving her to it. I just find it so painful see her so angry and upset about it all and I feel like I need to help her find solutions. I suppose I just need to be there for her to pick up the inevitable pieces 🥺 I had a very different childhood to her so find it hard to relate and use my own experience as a guide.

I think you should leave your daughter make her own choices.

She doesn’t like some one, but (from what’s written here), she’ll tolerate them to still be in the group. Perhaps that will change, or as they grow up the dislike will fade.

She’s not being bullied and she’s not trying to get the girl ostracised from the group so seems she’s handling it sensibly.

I agree with ALS94, I think you just take a step back and let her figure it out. I don't actually see anything wrong with how she's dealing with it - she clearly really values her friendship with the trio and wants to maintain it. I think that's entirely understandable. I actually think at this sort of age it's very difficult to make extra friends or swap friendship groups so she's not unusual in that.

I have a daughter the same age going through similar issues and I'd love to just fix it for her but I can't. Her older siblings had quite small friendship groups at the same age and they have grown as they've got older, I think that can only really happen organically.

Learning to tolerate people you can’t stand for the sake of people you do really like is a life skill that will stand her in stead. As others say if this is just a case of “this person is really annoying” as opposed to “this person is making my life hell” then you just need to step back and let it play out. Possibly remind DD that if (as a reasonable person) she finds this girl’s character annoying then it’s likely others have noticed too.

Thank you all. You’re right, there’s no bullying involved so I just need to step back.

@ALS94 this is so true and what I needed to remind myself of for my dd today! Sometimes the really hard times will teach us something! I’ll remember this when supporting my dd today

Absolutely this.

It might be time for your daughter to learn acceptance of things she does not like but cannot change. We all have to learn that.
And even acceptance of this girl she does not like.

I would just say you either find a new group of friends, or deal with it. But she can’t expect her other friends to ditch this girl because she doesn’t like her. Then hopefully she will work it out.

I can remember feeling like this at her age. Some teenagers can be really obnoxious and difficult to be around even if they aren't intending to be mean. In a school you often feel more secure as part of a group and I can understand why your DD would rather put up with someone she doesn't like than rock the boat.

It's a hard age and there's only so much you can do as a parent. I think you've got it right with stepping back but being ready to pick up the pieces.