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Original poster

Changing mind about having a third baby

8 replies

Mindchanged · 10/03/2023 23:03

Always agreed on 3 dc. Both of us 100% sure that’s what we wanted. Kept various things from dc 1 and 2, got a few new bits as so excited to do it all again. I was really broody.

Got pregnant with #3 and had the most horrific loss experience ever. In first trimester but just absolutely horrific and with complications. Now I feel nothing. Totally lost the broodiness almost feel in shock after everything and can’t even think about trying again. I can’t even look at baby things and the thought of setting foot in a hospital makes me feel physically unwell. It’s like I’ve totally lost that part of me and never want to be pregnant again.

Dh says I’ll be fine and we will try again but what if this feeling never goes ?

OP posts:
Bluegrass22 · 10/03/2023 23:19

I can absolutely sympathise. Had a similar sounding experience. This was 5 years ago now and we never tried again. You don't say how long ago your loss was but regardless it will take some time to process, maybe see a counsellor to work out whether you have trauma that you could be helped resolving or whether this has cemented for you that you never want to do it again (which was true for me). Go easy on yourself

Reddahlias · 10/03/2023 23:20

Try to be grateful for your two children and enjoy raising them. A lot of life but s catered to a family of 4 so it will be easier (and cheaper!)

Original poster
Mindchanged · 10/03/2023 23:24

I just feel so shocked in so many different ways. Shock it went so wrong, shock at the physical pain , shock at emotional pain and shock at my reaction because I was SO broody and now it’s gone and i feel so confused as I was desperate for another. Now all I feel is such a string desire to never have anything to do with pregnancy ever again. I feel shocked at my reaction I would have assumed before this that I’d be someone who would need to try again straight away but I absolutely can’t. I really can’t make sense of how I feel.

OP posts:

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vipersnest1 · 10/03/2023 23:30

@Reddahlias, what a helpful post - NOT.
@Mindchanged, I'm sorry that this happened to you.
You might be able to get past it in time, or you might not. No-one here can tell you what you will feel.
I still grieve for the children I could have had and I'm in my late fifties. It doesn't go away, but does lessen in time.
I'd suggest trying it let it go for now - there is no pressure and no rush, as you need the time to heal from this.
And if you can't, speak to your GP - your post sounds very much like you've entered a state of depression and I wouldn't want you to go on like that, with the feeling of there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
There will be, somehow, one day, but maybe you need to have some help to get there. Flowers

Original poster
Mindchanged · 10/03/2023 23:44

vipersnest1 · 10/03/2023 23:30

@Reddahlias, what a helpful post - NOT.
@Mindchanged, I'm sorry that this happened to you.
You might be able to get past it in time, or you might not. No-one here can tell you what you will feel.
I still grieve for the children I could have had and I'm in my late fifties. It doesn't go away, but does lessen in time.
I'd suggest trying it let it go for now - there is no pressure and no rush, as you need the time to heal from this.
And if you can't, speak to your GP - your post sounds very much like you've entered a state of depression and I wouldn't want you to go on like that, with the feeling of there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
There will be, somehow, one day, but maybe you need to have some help to get there. Flowers

Thankyou . I do think I am depressed I’ll ask the gp for some help. I’m just shocked at how I feel. I think we always assume how something hypothetical might make us feel so in the past with dc 1 and 2 and early on with my third pregnancy I did think ‘oh I hope it’s all ok’ and assumed if it wasn’t that I would try for a ‘rainbow baby’ but now I’m at that point I just can’t it’s as if I have a phobia of being pregnant

OP posts:
Mariposista · 10/03/2023 23:53

OP please be kind to yourself and do not let DH bully you into anything you don’t want to do. You ‘agreed’ on 3 children, that’s fine, but tragically DC3 did not make it to join your family - that baby will always feel like your 3rd child to you. It is perfectly reasonable that you feel like enough is enough and you don’t want to put your body or mi d through that again. You have two wonderful healthy children who are your world and DH needs to see and respect that.

Original poster
Mindchanged · 11/03/2023 08:19

Mariposista · 10/03/2023 23:53

OP please be kind to yourself and do not let DH bully you into anything you don’t want to do. You ‘agreed’ on 3 children, that’s fine, but tragically DC3 did not make it to join your family - that baby will always feel like your 3rd child to you. It is perfectly reasonable that you feel like enough is enough and you don’t want to put your body or mi d through that again. You have two wonderful healthy children who are your world and DH needs to see and respect that.

Thankyou I think I needed to hear that as I feel that for whatever short time I did have 3 and the shock of everything has changed my mind totally . I really was worried I wouldn’t be here anymore and I can’t shake that off and the longing for a child hasn’t gone but the absolute phobia of pregnancy is huge I can’t do it ever again

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 11/03/2023 08:43

Losing a much wanted baby at whatever stage is massively traumatic and it would be totally normal for the subconscious to be convincing you not to put yourself in a position where that could happen again, so I would say your feelings are totally understandable and normal and only time will tell if they change. Just be kind to yourself and take your time.
If you ended up with just 2 children, it is much easier in terms of cars and holidays and general expenses so just see how you feel in a year or so.

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