I'm a boring mum/person.

[24o]

I was at a family event today and got asked 'have you got any plans for this weekend?' by someone who asked me the same question last week. And I said no, again.
I only have 4 people I would call close friends and all of them have moved away within the last few years. I'm a stay at home mum with a 1 year old and currently studying online. I hate how lonely and empty my life/calendar is. I've recently pushed myself to join a local toddler group with my daughter and although I can exchange pleasantries with the other mums there, I don't have much in common with any of them; they're older, with multiple children and a lot more money.
I have a few concerts planned with my partner in the summer but other than that I never really do anything. I take my daughter to soft play every now and then and she sees at least 2 cousins regularly (I look after my niece and nephews twice a week). I haven't got my license yet so I can't take my her on any exciting days out unless my partner has the day off.
The woman at the family event was telling me all about her upcoming family holidays and evenings out with friends she has planned and I felt like such a failure. I'm constantly exhausted and alone. Any spare minute from being a mum/aunt that I get, I'm busy trying to catch up with uni.
It's exhausting having so many responsibilities and no social life. I also feel like I'm letting my daughter down because we never have anything fun planned.
Has anyone else been in a similar position?

I agree with this completely.

If I asked someone what they would doing this weekend and they said ‘studying for a degree’ it would lead me to asking more questions than a ‘dinner with friends’ type reply.

I appreciate this isn’t the purpose of your post, but I have huge admiration for what you are doing.

Firstly people who go out all the time are not inherently more interesting. I'm not particularly interested in someone's night out with Liz and the girls. I'd be much more interested in what you're studying.

Is there a FB group for people studying your course? Would it be possible to set up a study group online? I've got something similar with my work and it really provides some support as well as enjoyment.

Could you take your Dc and go and visit your friends either midweek or at weekends (leaving the DC at home sometimes)? A change of scene works wonders sometimes, gives you something to look forward to and keeps you connected with your friends.

It sounds like you're quite affected by what others might think of you? In that case I think you're amazing to be studying with a small child. I've done it and it's really full on.

my weekends are full of life admin. Which is fine. I like it.

Anyone who has the motivation to study whilst raising a child is certainly not 'boring'. I know we are all different but just hanging around at family events and parties sounds pretty boring. What are you studying? Surely there's something to talk about there?

Would you like to go out more?
If you feel your Dd needs to get out more then make it happen. You could do things as a family on weekends.
Find other groups in your area if the one you're attending isn't a good fit for you. Try your local library, swimming pool, leisure centre, churches.
There's lots to do out there if that's what you want.

Well done for studying while you have a one year old! That’s more than I’d have managed. Being a SAHM to a small child can be so lonely. Do you want to be busier or do you just feel you should be? It does sound like you could need more interacting with people in person. Almost anything really. Maybe join another toddler group (church or Home Start groups are better than, say, baby sensory class for mums chatting a bit) in the week and see if you can find a group hobby for the weekend that you would genuinely be interested in. Really I needed to have real life interaction 4 days out of 5 when mine were tiny if I wasn’t to feel really lonely. And get a couple of future dates in the diary to see those old friends who have moved away

Firstly when your relative says "Any plans for the weekend?" she is not really asking what you are doing - what she means is "I want to tell you all my plans for the weekend". So don't feel judged because if you listened politely and said "Ooh that sounds nice", she literally won't give a moment's thought to what you said you were doing.

What strikes me though is that you are missing friends and a social life - you had this before, but your friends moved and you had a baby and are studying from home instead of working...all these changes gave conspired to leave you isolated.

I disagree about racing back to work, I think having very young children is a great time to make friends, but you have to work at it. If one playgroup isn't working for you, look up all the groups in your area and try them all. Better still, ask the mums you chat politely with at the one you go to what other groups are good - say you want to be more busy. If they are older and have more children, they can probably point you in the right direction.

Also reconnect with the friends who moved away. Can you visit them? Can they come to you? Just get things moving socially.

I think it's just like this in the early years - looking after small children is exhausting and also a lot of what is involved in caring for them properly, is repetitive and dull. Studying on top of that, is hard.

Tbh, some of the most boring conversations I've had is with people banging on about their jobs. Other people's work is not a fascinating topic of conversation and doesn't render someone as automatically more interesting than a sahp. The only persons whose job was memorable to me and interesting was a bum doctor I met at a wedding! Most people are just in sales or something.

Is it that you feel bored in yourself or are you just worried that other people will think you are boring? If it's the latter, don't worry. Few people are as interesting as they think they are and what is important is that you are deriving satisfaction from your life. If you are feeling bored, try to build some nice activities into your life, so you don't get stuck in a rut.

You might feel a bit better if you find a thing that you are doing each weekend so that you can talk about it but more importantly for your own mental health. It doesn’t have to be anything big - oh, there’s a new recipe I want to try out for Sunday dinner - have you ever cooked x? Or it’s supposed to be sunny so we are planning a nice long walk in the park - looking forward to seeing all the spring flowers! Or can’t wait to catch up on x show - the week is so busy that I’m really looking to some time on the sofa! Or there’s a craft activity I saw on instagram that I know my DD will love. Etc etc. So you can get into a habit of thinking - for you - that you are doing X this weekend, and then you can also talk about it if anyone asks.

You're a mum to a 1 year old AND studying at uni I'd say that's a pretty amazing achievement in itself !!

Sometimes people do a lot of what seems like really exciting activities etc but at this age how much do they really get out of it all ...- I always found my little one was happiest with shorter more local activities anyway eg when we were out at the park, seeing close family or swimming or visiting some local little farms etc feeding ducks

Raising toddlers can def feel v monotonous and boring at times ! I think understandable to feel lonely. You could try those apps where it can link you up with other local mums in your area is it called "peanut" someone else might know more about it - or have you joined any local Facebook groups etc there's some for mums in my area
I never really made any "mum" friends either when my little one was that age and it was also covid but I did have family close by who also had kids so that helped

You say you have a partner do the 3 of you not do things together at the weekend - swimming ? Park ? Trip to a different town ? Museums ?

Tbh, some of the most boring conversations I've had is with people banging on about their jobs

And holidays too! There was an advertising campaign "Travel yourself interesting" and I just thought Oh god no, I don't need long descriptions and endless pictures of anyone's holiday

Thank you so much for all the support and advice, I really wasn't expecting it!❤️
I understand and appreciate the comments saying to go back to work and if I could afford to, I would work. But that's one of the many reasons I'm studying instead! Otherwise I'd be back to waitressing, earning only enough to cover nursery costs - and I'd be just as exhausted but with no money to show for it and less time with my daughter😢

You guys are right, I guess I should go a little easy on myself and realise I do have plans and things going on, they're just not the same as other people's! It's difficult knowing I have so many interests but no time/money for them so I have to sacrifice them for now while I juggle motherhood and student life. My partner works shifts in a pub kitchen so it's a bit more hectic than just 'planning things for the weekend' and I think I'm quite bitter about that too. And right now I'm using his days off to catch up with uni because I've been ill and bereaving.

Has anyone got any ideas for things I can do with my daughter when he's at work? Bearing in mind I don't drive. I can't wait for the warmer weather because she loves the park! I think I will make plans to visit each of my friends who have moved. Motherhood can be so isolating sometimes.

There's a silly amount of pressure to be interesting at a time when your life is forced to be quite small.

But if I met you at a group and you told me you were spending the weekend studying, I would see that as an interesting conversational opener - what you were studying, why, jobs in general, previous experiences of study. It would make a more interesting small talk conversation than the average. Don't do yourself down.