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Original poster

Catholics: remembering someone at mass. Can you explain?

27 replies

HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:10

My Dad died last year. He was brought up as a Catholic but as an adult did not go to Church and whatever views he held were very private to him and never discussed. I struggled at his funeral to know if he would want a religious service or not. I still don’t know if I got that right.

Another member of the family has told me he recently “arranged for him to be remembered at mass”. For some reason it has upset me - but in a grief way I think rather than any annoyance at them doing it, if that makes sense.

I suspect they were upset/struggling at not having a strictly religious funeral. I don’t know if Dad would have wanted it or not, but I’m pretty sure he would have understood this person’s need to do it and I think would have been fine with that.

i think what I am upset about is I wish I had known it was happening (but can see from their perspective that they see I am not religious so assume I would not be interested).

I need to get my head round this before I reply.

Can anyone explain what it means? What would have been involved?

OP posts:
mintich · 10/03/2023 20:13

At my church, he would be mentioned in the bidding prayers. Just a brief "pray for the soul of ..." and is also mentioned in the newsletter again saying " we pray for..."

unicornjewels · 10/03/2023 20:14

It means the mass was celebrated in their memory. Will have been mentioned at the start and in the bidding prayers.

PauliesWalnuts · 10/03/2023 20:15

It’s a section of the service where you can have a Mass or prayers said for someone. It’s usually for 1) the sick, 2) the recently dead, 3) anniversaries of losing someone.

At our church we fill in a form at the back of church, and make a donation (no set amount). Then the name goes on a list provided to the priest who is saying Mass the next Sunday. He reads out the names at a specific point in the Mass, and we all remember those people in our prayers. Our church also prints their names in the church newsletter. You can also buy a card for the priest to sign and you pass it on to the bereaved.

Its a lovely thing to do I think - when I lost my parents and siblings I got a lot of Mass intentions and it brought me comfort.

Flowersinmai · 10/03/2023 20:16

It’s to pray for his Soul - if he isn’t in Heaven.
It’s actually a Catholic duty - to pray for the dead. It’s an act of love.
Every Mass is Jesus offering himself on the Cross for the World again. It’s the Most spiritually powerful action the Church can take.

abstractplantpot · 10/03/2023 20:16

In our chapel he would be remembered at the Prayers for the faithful departed. His name may also be included in the Bulletin. There are usually more that one person remembered at each mass.

TwilightSilhouette · 10/03/2023 20:17

It’s showing he is remembered by people.

Bagzzz · 10/03/2023 20:19

Each mass (service) is offered for intentions. That could be a wedding anniversary or the priests intentions or as in this case the repose of a soul (in memory of your father). This church has quite a good explanation. It is a chance to remember and pray for that person.

saintbrigid.net/worship/intentions

(If you want to more there is information on praying for souls in purgatory but it’s a bit complicated to go into).

Viviennemary · 10/03/2023 20:21

As others have said the priest just read out names of the sick, recently died and those whose anniversaries occur at this time and a few names.

Greenestgreen · 10/03/2023 20:22

This can happen for people who aren’t necessarily Catholic or even religious. For example if there has been some horrendous event, massacre, school shooting, people dying in a natural disaster, the Queen etc, masses can be said for them or they are remembered during the mass. It’s generally just a brief mention.

HelenaJustina · 10/03/2023 20:22

At the beginning of the Mass, our parish priest says who the Mass is offered for; in memory of a specific individual, in thanksgiving for something specific, for the people of the parish. I would take great comfort from it but that’s a very personal thing. If it were me, I would message to thank the person for their kind intention, they will have meant well.

Original poster
HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:22

Thank you. This is really helpful.

Flowersinmai: why would someone not be in heaven?

I wonder if this person is angry it was not a religious funeral and thinks that whatever he believes in terms of life after death may be affected by that? Do you think that might be behind this?

OP posts:
Bingbong9009 · 10/03/2023 20:28

Both my Grandparents had religious funerals, and have a mass each year in which they are remembered. It’s up to their family / friends if they choose to attend. I wouldn’t say we are a particularly religious family.

Original poster
HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:28

HelenaJustina:
I would take great comfort from it but that’s a very personal thing. If it were me, I would message to thank the person for their kind intention, they will have meant well

thank you - I will.

OP posts:
oopsnowits4 · 10/03/2023 20:30

I really don’t think you need to worry about the person being angry.

As other people have said, it’s just a special mention during the mass so that prayers are offered for the deceased. It’s just a thoughtful thing to do, especially around the time of them passing away or on the anniversary. It might just be bringing them some comfort, remembering your dad. Honestly, I really wouldn’t think there was anything more to it than that. Don’t overthink it. Just be glad that someone is remembering your dad too.

HerculesMulligan · 10/03/2023 20:33

The original explanation may well be that some souls were in Purgatory (for this purpose, think of it as a waiting room) and needed Masses to progress into heaven. But no Catholic "putting in a Mass" for someone who's died does it out of anything but affection and remembrance - it isn't a pass-agg way of saying someone was sinful.

carriedout · 10/03/2023 20:33

It is really very commonplace - every mass there were a fair few names listed.

Sometimes the anniversary of a death, sometimes a birthday of the deceased, sometimes just because.

Original poster
HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:34

Thank you, oopsnowits4, that is helpful.

I had googled Mass to try and understand but got very confused! Thank you to everyone for the explanations.

OP posts:
Bloatstoat · 10/03/2023 20:35

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

My parents have been talking à lot about plans for funerals etc as my dad is unwell. My mum is Catholic, my dad isn't religious. She would like a Catholic funeral, and would also like my dad's funeral to be a Catholic one, because he feels if (as it unfortunately looks like happening) he died first, she feels it would help her deal with things. He doesn't want that (and she will obviously do as he wishes!) but has said she would have masses said for him, and he is fine with that as he recognises it is important to her. For her it's not done with any judgement of him and his beliefs, it's more about how it feels right for her to do when someone dies, if that makes sense - she still has mass said on the anniversary of my grandparents death, for her it's a source of comfort and a sign of love and respect towards them, I suppose I'd compare it in a way to leaving flowers on a grave if that makes sense?

Obviously I don't know your family, but just wanted to share this incase it helps with understanding what might be similar thoughts or feelings.

I just wondered as well the age/location of the relative who had the mass said? Older family members on my mum's side would send cards letting us know they had had a mass said for all sorts of things, just like you might send a sympathy card or a get well card, so this might be why they told you about it - IE no real reason other than they had the mass said and it's custom to let people know.

Forestdweller11 · 10/03/2023 20:36

It's a prayer . Doesn't matter if you believe or not. Can't imagine it shows anger at having had a secular funeral. That would be odd. But they might take comfort in their faith and the prayer.

Original poster
HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:42

Bloatstoat, thank you. A lot of this resonated a great deal.

I just wondered as well the age/location of the relative who had the mass said? Older family members on my mum's side would send cards letting us know they had had a mass said for all sorts of things, just like you might send a sympathy card or a get well card, so this might be why they told you about it - IE no real reason other than they had the mass said and it's custom to let people know.

This makes total sense - this relative is a long distance away and possibly does not even have my address. The cards that people have mentioned and you saying it is a custom to let people know makes sense, particularly when I read the message I received again.

Thank you.

OP posts:
x2boys · 10/03/2023 20:44

Im.a very lapsed Catholic ,but I remember the priest at the end of mass would say we pray for the soul of John ,Smith ,Mary Jones ect may they rest in peace ,,as I assume most Catholics believe in heaven and an after life .

Pleasekeepmycoffeehot · 10/03/2023 20:50

Essentially, it's one of the rituals people do (in this instance, who are Catholic) as part of remembering our dead.

It's part of the grief experience I think, to have a need to connect to the dead person and to others who are also feeling the loss. It's about connection and remembering.

BramblyHedgeMouse · 10/03/2023 21:12

HippyDays · 10/03/2023 20:22

Thank you. This is really helpful.

Flowersinmai: why would someone not be in heaven?

I wonder if this person is angry it was not a religious funeral and thinks that whatever he believes in terms of life after death may be affected by that? Do you think that might be behind this?

Personally I don’t think they’re angry. It’s something that is done in addition to the funeral, not to make up for the fact it wasn’t a full Catholic funeral if that makes sense.
It sounds like your relative wants you to know your father was dear to them too, and that’s their way of honouring his memory.

MaeMair · 10/03/2023 21:15

It's very much a gesture of kindness. It would be done with good intentions, I'm sure. I'm sorry for your loss.

Undercoverdetective · 10/03/2023 22:57

It's a nice thing to do. The person probably took comfort in feeling they could do something for your dad by having a mass said for him. Lots of people would see this as a nice gesture, like when someone says that they are thinking about you. They are remembering him in their prayers. If you know in advance you can choose to attend yourself if you want to, but it wouldn't be expected. People usually send a card to the close family to say they have asked for the mass to be said. I would take it in the same spirit as if someone had said they were giving a charitable donation in the person's memory.
I hope you take some comfort from this.Sorry for your loss.