Jealous of half sibling

[Sculpting22]

I know I’m being ridiculous but I am really struggling with my half sibling (18 years younger).

Shes very privileged (multiple holidays every year, private school, always getting nails done etc) and my dad is very doting on her and spends lots of time with her (he’s retired).

I have a nice relationship now with my dad but when I was younger it was very very strained and nearly went NC when my parents split and suddenly he had a new GF who was pregnant.

I know it’s stupid but I’m jealous of her lifestyle and relationship with my dad. Our upbringings are just so different (state school, maybe a holiday every 2/3 years etc). I struggle to go and visit as I just feel so sad with jealousy.

Any advice for getting over this? Feels ridiculous as I’m an adult and thought by now I’d be over this!

I feel your pain - mine is 25 years younger than me and I vividly remember feeling a great burst of sheer sibling rage when my dad told me about the house they were buying for her: I was almost 50 at the time! But in the last 10 years, I've got over it by thinking that she is a lot more beholden to her parents than I was ever since I left university (and to be fair, my dad helped me out with that until I had finished my postgraduate degree) and that I bought my house and car myself with my own money and that feels good. I also don't think I'd trade being nearly 60 for being mid-30s in the world as it currently is and have made peace with it all. But I 100% get where you are coming from, @Sculpting22

Your feelings sound perfect understandable consider the circumstances. i think this must be a really difficult situation for anyone to be in, so you can probably be gentle on yourself for feeling this way.

But yes, as the pp said, she may end up being quite entitled and this can make life hard in the long run.
Has your dad acknowledged the impact his actions have had on you, or that you see how unequally you have been treated? Not that life is always fair or equal, but I think most good parents strive to avoid favouring one child over another.

It's really hard when your parent starts another family.
There are so many different feelings even if you get on.
I completely get what you're saying and it's not fair

See this as chance to hang back and let her to the “parent” work. She has had a more privileged life so she can be responsible for your dad in his old age.

No advice but you're not alone. I feel the same.

Do you care for your sibling? Jealousy is a very ugly emotion. It's not her fault your lives have been different.

I agree with the poster who said let her do the brunt of the ‘parent work’ when the time comes.

Hi I’m actually experiencing this right now and it really sucks. My mom and dad split when I was really young, but he visited me every now and then until I was about 5. My mom got addicted to heroine and I was put into a foster home. Apparently my father missed the court date he was supposed to go too. He was also struggling with addiction issues but not as badly as my mom. But he says he wasn’t in the best place financially either. I understand that so I try not to think to hard about it. I spent 6 months in a foster home and then when I got attached to them I was taken away to go to family. I was then given to my grandparents from my mothers side. They already had four kids so I was pretty much a burden and I would be picked on when I was younger and I never had a room until I was about 13.My mom was in a different state being a sex worker at the time, she would visit but then leave because my grandma and her would argue. My mom and her stepmom( my grandma) never got along and so a lot of that was taken out on me as a child. I always felt left out, and I was raised with fear. It was a very toxic environment. I could never express myself without being judged and never got to go clothes shopping or felt safe enough to ask for anything so I never really developed confidence or a sense of self. I learned to just hold everything in but it has negatively impacted my social life and personality. I never had a father, but my grandpa was there. But he wasn’t MY dad and his children made that pretty clear. he was always at work too but he was nice. I would watch my aunt when we were younger love him and I would always feel sadness, or maybe jealousy because I didn’t have a dad and she was his babygirl and I barely have any memories like that with my dad. I’m 18 now and I have visited my dad a couple times with my mother who is now sober, but she struggles with bpd and so it has really strained our relationship to the point where I don’t like to talk to her. Recently he bought a ticket for me after I came to him about my problems with my mom. Hes let me stay for two weeks in his home in Cali with his new wife and my half sister who is six and half brother who is only 8 months. Being here, I feel grateful that he is trying to financially support me and help me because he knows I struggle with mental issues. However it has also been hard seeing him and my younger sister be so close and her have the childhood I never even got the chance to have. She has a mother and a father and she’s more in touch with my fathers culture than I’ll ever be. He has a huge tattoo of her name across his arm, he’s got one for me but it’s not really big and you can’t really see it unless he’s trying to show you. My sister is a silly sweet girl but I can’t help but feel envious of her life. I wish I could switch places almost. I feel horrible for thinking that and I really don’t think I mean it because I like having her as a sister but .. it’s hard. I’ve just been feeling so alone and trapped in this horrible set of circumstances I’ve been given. While I’m here I keep thinking that maybe he invited me for my sister to have a relationship with me but not really for me. I’m aware that it’s probably for both of us but I just wish he realized that I wanted to spend time with him but I couldn’t tell him that. I have severe abandonment issues and because of this I can become distant and push myself away with thoughts like these. It honestly hurts like hell. I see her laying with him as we watch movies and in my head I’m just jealous. Wishing that I could be a child again so my father could hold me like he holds her. I want so badly to just have my time with him but I can’t because he’s got 2 young kids he has to give his attention too. I’m understanding but I can’t lie it really hurts like hell. I know he loves me but I just don’t think he loves me as much as he loves his new daughter, it makes sense considering he wasn’t there to watch my grow and we didn’t have much of a relationship. I’m basically an adult now so it’s just not the same and my childhood was just completely ruined with not having my mom or dad be there constantly and just having an that instability. While I was visiting recently, he told me if I ever needed a place to stay I could live with him, but you see his home only has 3 rooms and one is already occupied by my sister and the other for me while I visit but, it’s my younger brothers in the future I’m assuming this because he told me he was planning on making a studio downstairs and that there was a room near the washer and dryer. (which he was saying could be my room if I wanted). He showed my the room he was talking about but it was way to small and there was no window(It’s not meant to be a room more like a closet space). The place he said he wanted to make into a studio for me possibly was actually just filled with dirt from under the house. I feel like he just felt bad for me after I opened up more to him that day. It sucks because I genuinely was excited but living under the house just feels like he’s trying to hide me like I’m some secret or something. It just wasn’t what I was hoping for. His wife said if I did, then maybe I could be there babysitter. When we went to go visit his mom I couldn’t even talk to her because I only know English unlike my sister who was taught Spanish, ( im also pale and she’s more darker like her mom and my dad) so I just felt out of place. I really wish there was a name for what I’m feeling otherwise it would be a lot easier to explain. It’s definitely deeper than just being jealous or envious, obviously I still treat my siblings with love because I’ve always wanted them but… I really am struggling mentally and every day when I see them I feel like I’m holding back tears. It hurts and I have just been listening to music and crying all night trying to get it out so I don’t breakdown in front of them because of how shitty it all is.

I have no idea how one deals with this tbh. I have this to a certain extent, and I have had to rationalise it so as not to burn with jealousy. Now they are young adults, my siblings are facing various challenges, which has made me realise that life is not all roses. They are also more beholden to parents, which I am not.

On the flip side, I am also friends with several of 'the child of the second marriage'. Most of them as adults are now painfully aware of the differences in upbringing, and it's like the elephant in the room when it comes to their relationship with older siblings.

Sadly this seems so common! My DH has a younger half sibling and a similar situation. His half sister was given a brand new car and driving lessons (my DH bought his own second hand car and paid for his own lessons), a house deposit (we funded our whole house deposit entirely - DSD gave us a second hand sofa as a “gift”), her whole wedding paid for (we mostly funded, DH received £2k contribution from DSD and we received a similar contribution on from my parents ), for her birthday/Christmas she always gets a “big present” like a designer handbag or an expensive weekend away worth £500-£1000 paid for (whereas my DH will get a £50 voucher without fail every birthday and Christmas). Just the way it is and always has been sadly.
DH is a very “proud” man and likes to do things himself and never expects anything from anyone (he’s never asked his father for any money) whereas his half sister is very happy to ask for money and request expensive gifts - not sure whether this is the root cause of it rather than favouritism but it still seems very imbalanced.

It’s bad enough being let down by your parents, but later witnessing how/what they are capable of as decent parents to half-siblings can be soul destroying.

💐

Sorry I meant FIL there not DSD (brain not working today)

This 100%

I think it may be even worse when your full siblings get better treatment than you did from both parents. And its all supposed to be OK from everyone concerned because I was the eldest. Nobody helped me, not ever. Not with money or even visits when my babies were born but my siblings got all the help they ever needed and more besides. Its a funny old world, and reading this thread brought back immense sadness at the way my parents behaved towards me. I truly think they thought I was an extension of them when in fact I was just a child

I suspect my son's half brother may eventually feel the opposite - that my son had more growing up, but that's because my salary provided that. Their shared father won't be able to afford to same for his younger child nor will the boys mum.

Is it not the case of the half sibling's mother providing the cars/nails/holidays etc rather than the shared father?

Either way, it's natural and normal to feel jealous

I recommend therapy. Sibling jealousy to this extent is toxic. If you don’t address it, you run a high risk of becoming ill.

Yes. Do yourself a favour and concentrate on your own life.
I am the younger sister in a similar scenario, 16 years younger, by which time parents were much better off, not dramatically but enough. Older sister has always been horribly jealous of me, I have always just gotten on with it and kept the peace even when she's said and done awful things (I spoke to my dad about how hard it was with her before he passed away and he quietly and sadly agreed she had always been jealous). I managed until recently when I got a diagnosis and older sister couldn't conceal how it was actually like Christmas to her, my "charmed" life in her eyes was finally coming undone. She was actually revelling in the fact I was ill, telling everyone she could and constantly commenting on how ill I must be and how it must be dreadful, and even when a year later I told her I got the all clear she was visibly annoyed. She couldn't even say "that's good, I'm happy for you"
I ended up confronting her finally, after so many years of it recently and then going nc and the past few months since I did I have felt so happy, so light and so free.
What I'm saying is it is not your sister's fault. I'm sure your dad would have given you the same had the roles been reversed. Please don't take it out on her and become all toxic and twisted. She has affected my ability to make female friends because I constantly sensed this horrible aggression from her. Just because your sister gets her nails done and goes nice holidays doesn't mean she doesn't need kindness.

@Brandnewstarz But it was your dad's fault. Can't you see this? He should have treated you both exactly the same. There is no excuse for blatant favouritism. I feel sorry for your sister watching while you had a better life then her, I really do.
There is that saying "your parents fuck you up" or similar. It rings true so many times. I try very hard to be equal with my children. I would be very hurt if one of them thought this way and would have to blame myself.

You're forgetting there is another adult in the picture now @Softoprider. It may not be a case of the father giving the younger daughter a better life than the older one had, it may the younger girls mother doing that. Why would she make sure the older girl gets what her daughter gets?

This.

Sorry you went through that.

OP it may feel very unfair but it's likely based on the fact that your dad's finances are in better shape now. Depending what his personality is like you could try to actually talk to him about it, though I would frame it more around him being less available and providing less support to you growing up (I wouldn't specifically talk about money though as it will come across grabby/jealous).

You may think your sister has a charmed life but I'm assuming your dad was much older than average when she was born, meaning she'll have to deal with his aging, illness and death at a young age. He may no longer be around for her wedding or to meet her children (if she has them). It's not all a bed of roses being the much younger sibling.

My friends Dad died recently- she is the eldest of his eight children by 3 different wives. They all have complicated feelings due to their different experiences. My friend (mid-fifties) because he abandoned them when she was a child, the last are just adults, born whilst he was in his sixties and ended up with caring duties, and being embarrassed frustrated with an old Dad.

I seem to remember Phil Collins (maybe?) also talking about how he wanted to get it right with his youngest children after missing out with the older ones.

Can you talk to your Dad about this, honestly. Or would he just get angry and tell you to grow up?

It can go the other way too. I have a friend (youngest of four in her family) who had a baby a few months ago and her parents have barely seen her. They've been through it all already with their older children and already have six grandchildren, my friend feels like she's an afterthought to them.

She hasn't had much support from them in comparison to some of her older siblings.

Of course this situation and yours both feel unfair and ultimately it's the parents at fault for not treating their children equally. I think a lot of parents don't even seem to realise how it comes across.

This is not clear. What if it is the same mum? Then it is her fault also. If you read back the poster says her dad had a conversation with her before he died saying his older daughter was jealous. So it was always his fault - both then and now

sorry.. that was in response to @whatafaffage

This is a really childish view, it’s not the half sisters fault that life was different for her!!