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Original poster

How do I tell friends that I want to be left alone?

28 replies

user40816 · 08/03/2023 12:29

I have a lot going on right now, and I am the type of person who withdraws socially to deal with things alone rather than leaning on others.

I have a few friends who have messaged me over the last week that I've left unread. I don't want to have to disclose what's going on to them because some of the matters are related to my health, and also family circumstances on DP's side (they know DP and it's certainly not my place to say anything about his situation). I also, in the nicest way possible, don't have the energy or interest to take on their issues or make small talk about what their toddlers ate for lunch the other day and how amazing it is that they're starting to use cutlery.

I don't want to be rude and completely ignore them, but I also would like them to just leave me be while we get through the next however long (talking weeks for context). I'm sure there will be some who think I'm being completely unreasonable and don't deserve to have the friends, which is fine and I'm not going to try to justify how I feel any further.

How can I politely ask them to give me space in a way that is least offensive?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 08/03/2023 12:30

Just say you've a lot going on....will be off the radar for a bit

KStockHERO · 08/03/2023 12:35

I do the same thing. I'm doing it now.

I'd message and say "Sorry I'm being rubbish with communications at the minute but I've got loads going on so kind of hibernating. When I'm back to the land of the living, let's have lunch Xx"

Then turn off notifications of messages/WhatsApp etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 12:39

Are you hoping they’ll be there for you once things improve? You’re having a tough time but you’re incredibly disdainful of them.

Just keep ignoring them and they’ll stop bothering, or tell them briefly you don’t want to hear from anyone for a while and will let you know when you change your mind.

NomadicSpirit · 08/03/2023 12:41

Say "due to personal reasons, I'm not all that chatty at the moment, I'll be back to myself eventually, but appreciate your understanding until then"... It words to that effect.

Original poster
user40816 · 08/03/2023 12:42

KStockHERO · 08/03/2023 12:35

I do the same thing. I'm doing it now.

I'd message and say "Sorry I'm being rubbish with communications at the minute but I've got loads going on so kind of hibernating. When I'm back to the land of the living, let's have lunch Xx"

Then turn off notifications of messages/WhatsApp etc.

That's a really good example, thank you for that. Hope why ever you are in the same boat resolves soon.

OP posts:
Paturday · 08/03/2023 12:42

It does seem a bit fairweather of you to only be in touch on your terms. Hopefully they’ll stick around in the background for when you resurface but they may get the message that theyre not seen as a good enough friend for the times you need your friends most.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 08/03/2023 12:44

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 12:39

Are you hoping they’ll be there for you once things improve? You’re having a tough time but you’re incredibly disdainful of them.

Just keep ignoring them and they’ll stop bothering, or tell them briefly you don’t want to hear from anyone for a while and will let you know when you change your mind.

If your friends are this delightful then you are better off without them. Friends should be a support in times of need, if you need them to withdraw to support a good friend understands that.

Be honest without details. Some nice examples on this thread.

Original poster
user40816 · 08/03/2023 12:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 12:39

Are you hoping they’ll be there for you once things improve? You’re having a tough time but you’re incredibly disdainful of them.

Just keep ignoring them and they’ll stop bothering, or tell them briefly you don’t want to hear from anyone for a while and will let you know when you change your mind.

If they are, they are. If they're not, they're not.

MN can be such an oxymoronic place depending on the topic. You can be a matyr for putting your child before yourself, but disdainful for putting yourself before your friends.

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 08/03/2023 12:45

not seen as a good enough friend for the times you need your friends most.

Wtf, so a friend should make you more miserable to fulfil your idea of being a friend?

NewYearNewUsername23 · 08/03/2023 12:45

I had a situation last year similar to what you describe. I told one of my friends that I was busy and dealing with something that was proving much more difficult than it needed to be to resolve so sorry if I disappeared and was quiet for a bit. I also said I wouldn’t go into the ins and outs because it was boring and I’d already explained it to multiple professionals and was fed up keep talking about it.

Honeyroar · 08/03/2023 12:46

Just tell them thank you for caring, but that you need a bit of time and space to process things.

FatGirlSwim · 08/03/2023 12:46

You’ll just have to tell them ‘I’m going to be quiet for a bit as a lot going on’ - but there’s probably no way of saying it that isn’t hurtful and it’s up to them whether they still want to be friends. Some will, some won’t.

It is a bit ‘all on your terms’. You want to be friends when it suits you?

twoandcooplease · 08/03/2023 12:46

I am like this. I wish I would message in advance but instead wait until their message is unread for ages but I sit every day thinking about it and it would be easier if I just said 'hey, I'm having a hard time just now. I'm ok but MH is a bit low, sorry. I'll be in touch when I'm feeling better. Hope you understand xx'
That's what I would write if I had the balls but I never ever do. Thankfully my friend understands

Original poster
user40816 · 08/03/2023 12:46

NomadicSpirit · 08/03/2023 12:41

Say "due to personal reasons, I'm not all that chatty at the moment, I'll be back to myself eventually, but appreciate your understanding until then"... It words to that effect.

This is also good, thank you.

OP posts:
semideponent · 08/03/2023 12:48

I like KStock's suggestion.

I guess the question I'm left with is this: if when you're vulnerable you distance yourself from friends, what happens when that isolation gets too much and you feel the need to re-connect? If I were your friend I'd be fine with your decision to distance yourself so long as you acknowledged that it was your choice. I can see a scenario where some personalities might turn round and start blaming the friends down the line for being distant. I wouldn't like that.

I'm not saying you're at all likely to go that route, OP, just thinking through what it's like to be one of the friends.

Paturday · 08/03/2023 12:49

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 08/03/2023 12:45

not seen as a good enough friend for the times you need your friends most.

Wtf, so a friend should make you more miserable to fulfil your idea of being a friend?

Fulfil their idea of being a friend?

I’m not saying that at all, but some people may take it that way. Other replies here are saying the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ people are different aren’t they, otherwise there would be no need for this (any?) thread.

GeorgeAndTimmyTheDog · 08/03/2023 12:49

Yes I have that problem and I've lost a lot of friends over it. I only have one good friend now, he's male and the reason he's still my friend after 20 years is he cares but is not demanding (same with me and him) of my time.
Others in the past have been offended if I've wanted extended alone time and have sometimes got aggressive with me and i just can't cope with it.
To be honest with you I was happier when I finally had to tell them to leave me alone completely, looking back it was more about me not being there to entertain them.
In fact something heartbreaking happened 4 weeks ago to me and it was the straw ontop of all the many other bales of straw and I've even had to tell him I need some time to myself.
He's been checking in with me once a week, just a "Thinking of you mate text if you need anything at all" and that's really lovely but I just don't even want his opinion on my situation at the moment I don't want someone dissecting it.
Thing is this is part of who you are needing time to process things, it's how you get mentally well again so your friends have to understand or they're really not your friends at all.

KStockHERO · 08/03/2023 12:50

I wouldn't go hard on the "I need time, I'm dealing with a lot, I need to process things" type of messages because they might assume that something catastrophic has happened which will worry them and might mean they keep contacting or that they show up at your house.

I'd keep it light and focus on your lack of communications rather than 'stuff' which is happening.

Thanks, OP. It's just work stuff so nothing major. But when I have these periods of really intense work, I just can't deal with other people. Like at all.

TheSimpleRidcully · 08/03/2023 12:57

If I was your friend I would be fine getting that message. I’m like you and tend to retreat a bit in stressful times. I’m there for my friends who aren’t like that, and I’m unobtrusive when my friends who are need me to be. Isn’t that the point of friendship?

SunflowerTed · 04/05/2023 03:35

Paturday · 08/03/2023 12:42

It does seem a bit fairweather of you to only be in touch on your terms. Hopefully they’ll stick around in the background for when you resurface but they may get the message that theyre not seen as a good enough friend for the times you need your friends most.

This

SunflowerTed · 04/05/2023 03:38

Maybe just cut out the drama and just get on with your life and reply to kind messages on a case by case basis

AliceOlive · 04/05/2023 03:50

I have friends that go away for the winter. Or have work projects that tie up loads of time. Or whatever. It’s not a big deal. Just tell them May and June are hectic but your love to get together when things calm down and not to worry if you are off the radar a bit.

Good friends understand. The others aren’t worth worrying about.

@KStockHERO has it down perfectly.

The other message feels a bit “eeek!” But good friends won’t mind.

suburbophobe · 04/05/2023 03:51

Maybe just cut out the drama and just get on with your life and reply to kind messages on a case by case basis

This.

Life is incredibly stressful now, what with work, COL crisis, Ukraine war, Sudan, personal family stuff going on, kids, it's not the time to be demanding, while still be there for friends in need and when you can, enjoy it.

I've cut off most of people's drama unless I have the energy to deal with it.
I'm a solo mum anyway. Hard enough to deal with it all anyway.

willowstar · 04/05/2023 07:16

I am like you and completely understand where you are coming from. Which is probably why I don't really have any close friends! When I am dealing with things I just want to hunker down and get through it. I used to have a best friend I would talk things through with but she died.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/05/2023 07:30

I would send something like, "I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment with everything that's going on (will explain when I see you next), so I've decided to withdraw for a while. I'll be in touch as soon as I'm feeling better, and please don't think it's personal to you, it is most definitely me with the problem at the moment! Thanks for being such a good friend, I'll speak to you soon hopefully."

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