I feel so ugly and idk what to do

[OngoingCrisis]

(Sorry this is so long)

I've been fat since I was about 4 years old (I'm 24 now). I have always struggled with food and eating right. I've recently started going to the gym to help with my weight and build muscle. I am objectively ugly and I'm not sure what to do about it, being fat makes it worse.

Since childhood, I've always had comments from strangers and family about being fat. When I was a young child I was at a park on a climbing frame, someone left their child in a pram at the bottom of the climbing frame and I fell from the top knocking the pram down. I just remember the child's dad yelling at me calling me a "fat cow", I was about 8. Another time (I was about 12/13), someone was behind me shouting "excuse me" as I was walking and again, they yelled, "not you, you fat cow". When I was about 8/9 I attended a playscheme and on my first day a couple of the other kids were making fun of how I looked, they were standing next to me talking between themselves and were saying how ugly I am.

I feel so sad about being ugly, I have a chubby, round face, and I have trichotillomania so I don't have very many eyelashes and gaps in my eyebrows, and I'm also experiencing a dermatitis flare-up on my face.

I find it hard to make myself feel pretty or beautiful when I have been told so many times that I am not. The closest thing to a compliment I've had is "you're an okay-looking girl". When I get ready for the day I can't spend too much time in the mirror or I get upset and it makes me cry

I mentioned in a previous thread about my mom, many guys my age (and in general) find her very attractive and try to flirt with her often and it has knocked my confidence a lot as I look nothing like her, I've not really had any luck in dating in my life and the whole thing just makes me feel embarrassed and like a failure. I know people will say your value isn't measured by how attractive men find you but to be constantly called fat and/or ugly, it starts to feel true.

What can I do?

This is sad to read. Well done for taking that first step and starting the gym. Sometimes just putting more effort into self care can make you feel confident and better about yourself - skin care, choosing clothes that you like, experimenting with makeup. Please don’t allow your self worth to be determined by how attractive others perceive you, life is too short. x

Losing weight will likely improve your skin and reduce breakouts. Your confidence will increase with time and you'll probably start to wear more flattering clothes.

'Ugly' is subjective but if it's a matter of crooked teeth, teeth that need whitening, unflattering glasses and unflattering clothing they can all be fixed at a cost.

I'm not particularly into hair and beauty but feel more polished after a trim and run straighteners through my hair - this has the double function of reducing knots as part of my job involves being outside. Makeup wise I wear very little but a moisturiser, perfume and some clear nail varnish, black mascara and clear lip gloss always makes me feel a little more together.
None of those things take long or even cost much but improve my appearance loads.

You also need to do some work on the inside, holding on to bad memories from your childhood isn't doing you any favours as without dealing with that no matter what you look like from the outside you'll still be that little girl that got bullied.

Excellent advice from @Singleandproud.
I also second that a lot of internal work needs to be done to help increase your self esteem and to heal from the past. Without that, the effort made to improve your exterior will be of no use.

Thanks for your help guys :) xx

People can be really mean. They are skanky losers and not worth a moment of your time!

Well done for trying to tackle your weight - this will make a huge difference to your health and how you feel day to day. I think you should see the dr and get a referral to a dermatologist to get some help with your skin and that will help you a lot. It's horrible having skin flare ups.
Once your skin has settled down you can explore make up looks and things to make yourself feel good.
I would invest in some clothes that make you feel better while you are still dieting - it's important to reward yourself to keep the motivation going.

Sorry you feel like this lovely, it’s a rough place to be. Sadly it takes a while to build confidence and self esteem and you’re very young!
From someone who tried various diets from her twenties onwards I will say keto is literally the only thing ever worked for me, but working out for strength and fitness will make you feel better in your body. Go on YouTube for the beauty tips, it’s really YouTube helped me wrangle my curly hair, there’s so much help out there for very specific things. Nurture your creativity and interests, finding venues to meet likeminded people will feel more natural and fulfilling than grim apps. All I can say is it gets better through perseverance, learning how not to give a toss, or a combination of the two! Much love to you ❤️

Hi @OngoingCrisis I was called the exact opposite growing up ("skinny f" etc) and I was.... less than attractive. I eventually got fit (took me a couple of years), got my eyes lasered, asked a stylist to sort my hair out and shopped for a new wardrobe with someone who knew fashion.

I've looked back at the photos from the time since and I was not the best looking person before I made all the changes (and working out was not something I enjoyed and it was something that people took the piss out of me for at first ("they'll never stay here" and "there legs will snap if they try and lift anything" etc (the gym)) but I thought I'll show them they are wrong and the confidence I got from that led to all the other things.

People can be (and are) cruel, especially when you are younger and we tend to carry that with us for the rest of our lives and we let it define us. Even after all the changes I still had no self confidence and was shy and I had no idea that I was gorgeous (which I can now see I was!), all because of the names I'd been called when I was young. Now that I'm no longer young I know longer care what people think, but I do wish I'd realised sooner that I was carrying a lot of baggage around with me from my childhood that I didn't need to.

Take it one step at a time. Focus on your weight as that is something you can make a difference with. It will take time, but it will make you feel better and more able to deal with the other things you dont like about yourself. But remember that you'll be carrying baggage around with you and work to offload that. The dad who called you names was a nasty bastard, don't let him hurt you any more than he did on the day. He doesn't define you, you do.

I hope that helps and I hope that you become the swan you desire to be, both inside and out.

Hi lovely; read your post earlier and wanted to reply. First it’s great that you’re taking steps to help yourself; this will make you feel better and more confident and that’s v attractive.
secondly your post made me remember a time in my teens when some boys were calling me and when I turned around they lost interest - I always thought cos I wasn’t pretty enough. It hung with me for years. Later I realised they probably never thought about it again & why was I letting those dopes live rent free in my head! the people you mention above never thought about you again - and def didn’t realise the impact of what they said. It might help you to talk to someone about strategies to deal with things like this?
anyway I hope you find confidence and feel better about yourself x

Hi just wanted to say you aren’t alone in this feeling, I’m hideous and fat and married with a family so it will happen for you one day if anyone married me , you’ll definitely find the one.

lots of lovely well intentioned posts here, whilst all are right and well put, we are in a very looks based society and it does sadly impact day to day life, it shouldn’t but it does

Tackling your weight is a great step plus getting out for walks etc can be great for clearing the mind and distraction from intrusive thoughts.

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. I'm sorry that others have experienced what I have :(
I am on a waiting list for therapy (NHS) so hoping to work through my issues at some point. With regards to hair and beauty etc, I'm actually pretty good at doing my hair and makeup, it's just that even after the effort I still don't feel attractive sometimes. I use nice smelling bath and shower products and treated myself to a high end makeup product as little things like these can cheer me up.

I get in my own head a lot and I do have my days where I don't feel like I look ugly but they are less often. It doesn't help with my eczema flareups, they are very painful and it causes blisters on my skin. I've been to a doctor and a dermatologist but nothing they prescribe seems to help get my skin under control. I wanted an allergy test but was refused one by the nurse.

Having low confidence and low self-esteem is so exhausting. I find it very hard to be happy for people or empathise with people which also saddens me.

All those bad comments are on them and not you. You sound like a kind and caring person. Their karma will come back to them.

Remember that the comments you had from horrible people are a reflection on them not you.

You didn't deserve them. They weren't about who you actually are. They were cruel and unreasonable.

'Fat' and 'ugly' are not the defining traits of who you are. Try not to see them as all you are.

I'd suggest seeking some therapy if you can afford it.

'I've been to a doctor and a dermatologist but nothing they prescribe seems to help get my skin under control. I wanted an allergy test but was refused one by the nurse.

Having low confidence and low self-esteem is so exhausting. I find it very hard to be happy for people or empathise with people which also saddens me.'

If you had more confidence do you think you would have insisted that you needed an allergy test? It is definitely a catch 22, you are going to have to find some confidence to make the changes that will give you confidence!
I have no issue arguing my case with health professionals (or anyone) because I know they are not automatically correct and it might benefit me in the long run. Ring the GP and ask again (and again) for the allergy test if you feel it may help you.
Don't worry about not feeling happy for people, they are your private thoughts. As long as you are not outright nasty to anyone who has good news the world won't stop turning just because you're not jumping for joy that Marjorie is going on a cruise (or whatever the happy news is!!!)
Focus on changing what you can, losing weight is a great start (easier said than done) but wear nice clothes NOW, don't put life on hold until you hit a magic number on the scales.

A wise man once said:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely".

This quote always cheers me up on a bad day 😊

Oh and I also have severe eczema. It took me years with the dermatologist to get anything that worked.

Have you asked for UVB therapy?

I'm on dupixent which works but the qualifiers are extremely high.

Thank you x

Thank you. I can't afford it at the moment, I'm only working part time as I'm in full time education but am on the NHS waiting list

I probably would have pushed more for the allergy test. This was a few years ago (a year or so before the pandemic) and there were no doctors available just the nurse so I didn't feel like she understood me.

I always keep those thoughts to myself, I've never told anyone anything mean. It's hard when people tell you things in person when they are expecting a positive reaction. I'm at an age now where my friends (and relatives my age) are getting into relationships or going on dates and none of that is happening for me. I feel sad about it and like I'll be left behind.

I got a new top yesterday and I really like it. I always feel a bit bad about buying new clothes as I feel like I'm enabling myself to stay the same weight.

I've not heard of UVB, I will have a look into it. My skin looks like patches of leather covered in blisters. It used to be a lot worse as my skin would get infected and my hands would swell.

I've only ever been prescribed moisturisers and steroid creams. The majority of the creams I've used have ironically made flare-ups worse. I will phone the doctor again and see if I can get a referral

I agree with @Backstreets that keto (or low carb) is the way to go for good weight loss.
Changing your diet to eliminate certain foods might be helpful to see if you have allergies or intolerances.

This may sound a bit random OP but have you ever tried slimming world?

A lot of us who followed the plan at the group I went to found our skin improved dramatically after a while as well as losing weight! The food is very much based around low fat meals (which are all very simple to cook) and lots and lots of fruit/veg/eggs etc. It's very basic really. The groups can also be good for getting to know people who you wouldn't usually socialise with.

I am a big believer that what you put inside yourself shows on the outside.

I honestly bet you are not ugly at all though, I never look at anyone and think they're ugly - at most just plain or unremarkable. Those people from your childhood were nasty and ugly on the inside to say such things.

I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself x

I am always uplifted when I listen to miriam margolyse speak on this subject.
She is admittedly not a stereotypically attractive woman by today's standards, but is so full of life and energy she just shines to me.
She's open about having had a vibrant sex life too, which I know isn't the be all and end all, but supports the fact she is attractive to the right people.

I am just wittering but in essence I just think she inspires me to cheer up on a miserable day and take the most out of life.

In terms of allergy tests you can pay for these privately via Holland and barret and pharmacy's now. They're expensive though, so work out if the cost of doing it is worth it to you, where you can get it free by being more assertive with the GP.

Eyebrows can be beautifully tattooed on now to fill in those sparse areas if it takes your fancy and not too costly.

Hi. I found your post when searching for posts about trichotillomania and it made me feel so sad. I have always been overweight, have had trich for 40 years, and spent most of my life feeling 'ugly'. I want you to say a few things:

• Well done for saying how you feel 'out loud'. That's a massive first step and something I was not able to do at your age.
• Well done also for seeking therapy. The best way to feel better is to understand and let go of the negative self-talk - I really hope you find this through therapy
• Everything that makes you feel ugly (your weight, trich, any 'defects' you perceive about your face/body) are completely socially contrived. If you go to a portrait gallery and search for 'beauty' from a couple of hundred years ago you'll see a lot of curvy figures and absent eyelashes. You don't have to conform to today's social constructs of 'beauty' to live a good/happy/fulfilled life. You can find examples all around of people who do great things with their lives and are not stereotypically attractive.
• Finally - it gets better! I'm 50 and can honestly say that I am now happy with the body I was given. I'm still over weight and I still fight my trich urges almost every day, but I am proud of the person/wife/mother that I am. I wish the same for you.

To help with your weight loss my friend got Saxenda prescribed from Boots the Chemist. Not cheap but really works OP, she's lost loads.

As some have said here, ugly is subjective.
i grew up in Brazil, skinny little shit kid, sun cooked, dark, frizzy hair, I was so malnourished my period only came when I was 17.
I was bullied from my skin to my weight, you name it. Skinny isn’t as cool as it is in Europe.
The desired look is usually curvy and light/white skin blonde hair. Even the heaviest girl in class never got picked on.

over here is different, I grew out of looking like an 11 year old boy but I only appeal to Europeans as I’m seen as exotic.

id say look after your health and you soul, the rest will catch up with you. don’t let the place you live determine how happy you can be in life.