Is this what burnout feels like

[Youstolethewholeofthemoon]

Apologies for the ramble but I've no one in RL

A single parent to 3 DC, eldest is 7 and youngest 18 months

I work 24 hours a week, have one day off per week and weekend

Tuesday weds and Thursday evenings are spent ferrying the DC to various activities

My house looks like an absoutle bomb site, I have 0 motivation or energy to do do anything (I just about manage the basics like food shopping and washing) have also got 6 pets, all of which are ex dps but he lives with his parents so can't have them there and works away the majority of the time so isn't much help practically - also has to live his life (his words not mine as I chose to have DC 🤦‍♀️) whilst I am lumbered with doing absoutley everything and I'm exhausted

I never have a break from my DC except when I'm at work and I literally just want cry, bedtime for the youngest DC has become a constant battle - I've even resorted to co sleeping just to try and keep what's left of my sanity

I really want to lose some weight and get fitter so started doing the at home work outs but seem to have lost all motivation and energy for those too

My GP solution is to increase my dosege of my anti depressants whenever I speak to them which Is not an ideal solution and i feel as tho they just help me function

Thanks for reading if you have got this far

Wiser people than me will be along soon. But yeah, sounds like burnout. I don't actually think there is an official definition for it, but I think it's being so blummin' knackered and fed up, you can't muster energy or excitement for anything and find it really hard to do stuff, that normally you could just do without thinking.

You've got a lot on your plate, so it'd hardly be surprising. If you've got an 18m I'm guessing your current situation came about relatively recently. You should give yourself some grace.

When I had a bit of burnout I tackled it by listening to what I wanted to do, and made me happy and brought me pleasure, and did it. But that was before DC so it was easy. But I think doing a little bit of that could help - well it wouldn't hurt.

Maybe you could drop a few expectations, like the exercise or one of the kids' activities. See if there's any mini pleasurable activities you could squeeze e.g. 10 min walk on work lunch break, a tea break with a proper tea pot, a 15min gentle yoga class on YouTube, 5min of a favourite song. If you can get an evening a week somehow to yourself to do something you like (art class, book club, dance class, crafts etc) that'd be really amazing - but you'd need the budget/support network for that to be realistic.

I really want to give you an unmumsnetty hug, but the emojis aren't working for me, so you'll have to imagine it!! Hope you don't think this is trite, but although it might not feel like it, you really are doing an amazing job, and things will get better xxx

Time to lose someone elses pets I'd say. It sounds tough op

It's clear from your post there are many other factors at play but is it really necessary to have after school activities 3 days a week? Do you think that adds to the feeling if being overwhelmed?
You don't say how old your middle child is but I have a 5 year old and she only does one after school club during the week and a dance class on Saturday morning. It seems enough for now. I have a 1 year old as well and would find it really hard work to be taking her to clubs after school 3 days a week.

Yep, that's a lot how I feel when I'm overwhelmed and pissed off with it all!

Also a single parent, with a less than useful ex.

What pets have you got? Is there any way you can have less?

Or maybe use something like "borrow my dog" to get someone to walk them? It sounds really shit that you've been left with them.

I find listening to podcasts while I clean makes it less boring, and I'm listening to something that's not my negative thoughts.

I have two very young ones and I'm on my own with very little support. Until my youngest started school, I was suicidal at times. I have made it through now and things are much easier.
Personally, looking back, I wish I had employed a cleaner and taken more breaks by using baby sitters. I remember paying someone to sit with the children so I could have a bath and rest for a couple of hours. Friends would visit and I would fall asleep..
This very difficult period will pass but in the meantime could you employ some extra help?

Jesus, that is a lot.

I think you need to recognise that you can't keep it all up, it's just not possible. You need to prioritise and some things have to go.

Personally I'd suggest starting with at least some of the pets. Can they go to a rescue charity? It's not ideal, but it's better than you having a complete breakdown.

Then maybe the after school activities (or some of them).

I don't think anyone could cope with all that you have on your plate.

Wow thankyou so much for your replies!

My daughter is 5 and she does dancing and Has done for over a year now and a place just came up with rainbows after a long wait and similar foe my son, equally we've been waiting over a year for swimming lessons but that is early on a Saturday morning but I'm exhausted trying to keep the toddler safe and entertained whilst we wait around the pool

I'm glad these feelings are normal even tho they aren't normal but currently I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start whit anything

I don't get a lunch break as I only work 6 hours per day

I don't even get to go the toilet or have a bath in peace and most evenings when they are all asleep I sit and stare into space in complete silence 😪

I would look at reducing the pets. That's far too much for you. Are there any family or friends you could rehome them to? Can you afford an extra day in nursery for the baby?

Absolutely no chance would I be looking after his pets. Drop them all off at his parent’s place. Not your responsibility. You have more than enough on your plate. Is he paying full maintenance for his children?

I get a whooping 260 per month (at this point I would gladly swap if that was all I had to pay for each month)

Can't get an extra days childcare as everywhere is full hence my set day off per week 😪

Work is suffering too, I am making silly mistakes and on my last warning due to the amount of days I've had to have off at rhe last minute as the DC have taken it in turns to be unwell

I would gladly take the animals but they wouldn't fit in their car with their enclosures

OP I could cry for you, that sounds relentless. I struggle and feel burnt out a lot of the time and I have support and less going on than you. I don't have any advice but I do feel for you and think you're amazing.

Thankyou for your kind words, it is very much appreciated as I definitely do not feel amazing in any way shape or form 😪

Can you appeal to his parents at all? Is his mum nice?

Is there any reason they don't see their dad regularly at the weekends? Can he help with any of the evening activities?

No wonder you feel dreadful, you have so much going on

Because he is always working or busy with his mates, his mum is so lovely but she can't have the children there as not enough room and she is not in the best of health herself unfortunately

You poor thing, I empathise!

try and stream line life,

when I was too tired to wash when they went to bed, I used to get in the bath with them at bath time so I was clean when they went to bed and I could too.

call the ex and give him 1 week to sort the pets otherwise they are being rehomed, and mean it. He cannot possibly expect you to care for all those animals and the children.

Use the money you had spent on animals to pay for a cleaner

ensure you are doing an online shop and getting it delivered so save that job each week.

Reduce washing clothes, this has helped me a lot. I was putting the kids in Clean clothes/uniform every day. Now I put them in the same for days and spot clean any marks. Saves a tonne of washing and putting away.

trying to do exercise is a good thing and hopefully if this helps you carve out a few minutes I think 10 mins Yoga a day is going to be good for your mental health

My house just seems yo have way too much stuff in it

Yes I've been having bawithwith them but I would just like a nice quiet bath

I'm still battling to get the toddler to sleep as we speak and fighting the urge not to fall asleep myself but I have not eaten today as yet and I'm starving 🤦‍♀️

definitely need to start meal planning it's just tricky when the kids won't all eat the same meal too

Dump the pets at his parents. They’re genuinely not your problem. He’s got some fucking nerve, leaving you with his 3 children AND his 6 keys and shrugging his shoulders? Nope. The pets are a HIM problem.

Co sleeping - I did it till my youngest was 3. ExH left when I was pregnant with her, elder two were 7 and 5. I went to bed at 7pm.

I also upped my work hours to 30 hours a week. It was easier than working 20 and I felt like I had a “break” by going to work.

More ADs aren’t the answer when it’s your situation that’s shit. But also that won’t change any time soon as these feckless idiots can abandon their children with zero consequences of any form.

I could write a whole separate thread about him and his delightful Disney dad ways of parenting as and when he sees fit but I won't

I've been considering increasing my hours but then it's increasing childcare- we don't get home until gone 5pm as it is and that is with me finishing at 3.30

I'm too stressed at work and at home to even consider working from home - I chose to do that one day last week and got myself in a right pickle as couldn't relax with all the stuff I knew needed to be done in the house - its like I'm in a vicious cycle

If you have any annual leave book a few days, maybe invite a friend or family member round and really tackle the house. You say there’s too much stuff in it. If any is the ex’s bag it up and drop it at the front door. The rest go through ruthlessly and get the house clean, tidy and minimalised.

It is essential you eat regularly as this won’t help your health mental or physical. 3 meals a day plus a snack will give you so much more energy and though it’s hard when feeling low yourself stop cooking multiple meals. The whole family eats 1 meal, that’s it. It’s exhausting to meet multiple demands and where does it end?

Thankyou, I have used all my annual leave entitlement for this year but it renews next month so hoping to book a few days then to get on top of a couple of things

It jfeels relentless ust

I think you need to get tough with everyone before you burn yourself out.

The ex -

Make sure you're getting full maintenance (via CSA if necessary).

Don't pander to a namby pamby varying contact schedule, get a fixed agreement in place so you know when your free time is coming. Arrange to drop them at his mums maybe, then you can drive away if he's there or not.

Tell him he has 7 days to sort the pets or they're going to a shelter / RSPCA / whatever.

The kids -

All eat the same meal. It's possible to separate out the "bits" like plain pasta served with sauce on the side, cheese & and plain chicken. But essentially they all get the same. Maybe tell them if they eat well all week they can have a McDonald's treat at the weekend where they get to choose different from each other.

Age appropriate chores. They can lay out clothes the night before - eldest can do the youngest as well. Clear the table. Put their own toys away.

Prioritise activities. No more than 2 each. No fussing or moaning about going or it gets cancelled.

Do you have friends you can do childcare swaps with? Sending one out for tea makes a big difference.

Declutter as much as possible. Except uniform, always have loads of that!

This sounds like an excuse. What animals are they? A dog can travel in the boot without a cage as a one off. Don't let him guilt trip you. Put them on Facebook as free to a good home if necessary!

Not an excuse - 5 of them are reptiles and have large vivariums and I only have a v small car