Trouble with my 9 year old DD… please help :(

[KiaOraa]

My 9 year old is generally a good kid, but has her moments as they all do. Lately though, she’s been becoming more challenging, doing things she knows she’s not allowed to do. Nothing incredibly serious, just quite trivial rule breaking, but it’s really affecting my trust in her. I’ve explained in a calm way that I can’t trust her if she breaks my rules. She seems to listen and understand but then the rule breaking continues. I don’t let her play out in the street, and friends of hers do, but how can I trust her if she always breaks rules and lies to me?

After school today, she asked if she could have a hot crossed bun. DH bought some chocolate and salted caramel ones for a treat. There were 2 eaten which was strange as the packet was full last night. Not that I generally monitor the food, but that meant there wasn’t enough for one each. I asked DD if she’d had one, and eventually she told me that she had taken one and put it in her school snack box. For reference, school ask us to provide a small snack for school. Today I gave her melon and a madeleine.

This has really frustrated me because only a week ago, she took something from the kitchen for school snack as opposed to the snack I had provided her, and it contained nuts. Her school is nut free. She wasn’t caught with it at school but I dread to think about some child having a severe reaction because of her doing this. I had a serious discussion with her about this and how irresponsible it was and what harm she could have caused. She was very sorry at the time. I explained explicitly that she takes the snack I give her, but obviously today she sneaked something out of the kitchen again.

I always make sure that her snack is something that she likes, but I don’t give her anything containing chocolate, which is what she wants me to give her.

Tonight I got a bit fed up and spoke to her in a stern voice, telling her that she is not to take anything other than the snack I give her. She went absolutely crazy, screaming at me and frightening her sister. I told her to go out of the room and I took her with me to the hall. She continued to shout so I said she needed to stay out there and have a think about how she speaks to me. She was still shouting at me and I said, you need to stop shouting by the time I count to 5… at this point she opened the door, slamming it open and it’s hit me on the head.

Im absolutely heart broken. Where am I going wrong? What am I doing wrong? She is just lying and being deceitful all the time at the moment.

I have very few rules, but I do expect honesty. What do I do? 😢

I would say that what snack you take to school is a big deal to some children (it is to my 8yo). He wants what his friends have. His school have a no chocolate rule too, but we sometimes live on the wild side!

It's really hard for her to understand that it's a rule, but doesn't seem to apply to everyone. If she wants to occasionally push the school rules, let her. Or be creative with what counts as chocolate e.g. a chocolate cereal bar or chocolate chip cake bar.

If the school take her snack away when she gets there then so be it, but you really don't want her hiding food from you and sneaking food.

My DS is content with having a healthy 'regulation' snack the majority of the time, but he knows that if he asks me I'll probably say yes to a treat too.

I'd stop framing this as having a kid who is deceitful or a kid that wants to do something because she's told not to, etc as I don't think that is helpful.

She tells lies. Why? When I told lies it was because I was embarrassed and/ or didn't like to be blamed. Take the blame away and she should be more open.

Why is she 'breaking your rules'? Again, why would anyone do that? She's trying to learn to be her own person/ trying to trust her opinion which is separate from yours?

As somebody down thread said, it's all communication. Honestly, the best thing you can do is try and truly put yourself in her shoes, try and understand the core struggle behind the behaviour. That does not mean you shouldn't have rules. You can be firm about rules and at the same time show empathy and validate her reasons to not like the rules (as opposed to talking about the reasons why she should follow the rule).

Lots of one to one quality time to reaffirm trust.

When she's angry I wouldn't tell her to go in a separate room. I'd just stay with her and be the calm grown up she needs in these moments.

Oh I also don't get his snacks ready for him or 10yo sister.

They sort it themselves, chop the fruit etc. No need for me to be involved at all, unless they are asking me for something they wouldn't usually have.

I think she's asking for more independence, give to her.

honestly i think you're being overprotective regarding the playing out i was like that as a teenager, completely anxious and incapable when shopping with my mum and at doctors appointments when she would be there because i had a safety net, when alone i was completely fine, i think you need to let her play out she'll be at secondary school soon and then she'll be off like a shot and won't be asking you about snacks she'll be buying them herself before school at the corner shop

@H34th thank you so much for your response. That’s really helpful. I find with parenting, it can be hard to see the bigger picture when you’re involved in a situation. Your post has really helped me to see where I’m going wrong.

Where are you going wrong?

in being very controlling about small stuff like snacks and having too many little rules about little things, then going in with big words like “now I can never trust you”

You’re very uptight about chocolate what is that about? Do you have food /eating issues?

@KiaOraa Parenting is the hardest! There's no such thing as perfect and we are all learning as we go. You've got this!

“MultipleVeganPies“ - no need to be rude! What are the “too many rules about little things” that I have? I literally asked her what snacks she wants, bought the stuff and told her she’s not allowed to take things other than that to school. After she took a nut product to a school that has children with nut allergies. I wouldn’t call that a rule about a little thing??

My 8 year old is autistic and has huge tantrums like this but I presume this is not part of a pattern ?

I actually feel slightly differently to other posters here. There is nothing wronf witj the snack rule but I think you are massively over reacting to minor rule breaking

She is a kid. Theyhave completely different levels of impulse control. And how many adults can always behave in the right way and make sensible decusion about sugar ?

We have a massive obesity crisis because its really really hard not to give in and eat or tske what we know we shouldnt ! Including all of us adults

Your child felt snapped at and humiliated and lost her temper. This happens !

I think also let her have the freedom to pkay outside thst is how she will develop common sense. She cant develop it if she isnt ever given independence

Stop being intense about the small mistakes she makes in life

Sounds like my dd9. I'd say nothing to do with the snack, it's control and we are just at the tipping point where we start handing gradually over to them. I'm braced and will be picking my fights carefully and trying to do lots of talking with her 1:1...... goodluck!

However i think healthy snacks are absolutely fine generally. Its just not something to really harangue her about if she has a moment of weakness and sneaks a sweet snack

I am quite surprised that you are micro
-managing snacks like this aged nine op.

I used to bung the fruit for the week in a bowl and the snacks in a big plastic tub and they were told to help themselves. If they ate them all in the first three days they went without thereafter! They soon got the hang of it!

I think it's just par for the course at that age, boundary testing. You're going to have these little skirmishes. You sound like you're trying to handle them well.

I think calling her deceitful etc is a bit ott.

And for the playing out with her friends- is it a main road? A cul de sac? Because if its a mainish road, why are any of them playing out there? They need a park or safe place. Can't you drive her and her friend to a nearby park and let them have an hour there instead if you're worried about the road? You hit a cafe or something...

You need to let her have a bit more independence.

And just let her have some choc if that's what her friends have!