How do I get DS to go to school?! Help

[VerityUnreasonble]

DS (10) has autism. He is year 5 and up until this year we didn't have any issues with school, other than covid restrictions which he quite enjoyed. He generally likes school but "not as much as he used to". There is no major reason for this other than he doesn't really like French and he finds writing boring. He is academically very able.

He almost constantly has minor physical complaints, stomach ache, headache, leg ache. He has been seen by the GP, had very traumatic bloods and had some vitamins. There is nothing significant physically wrong with him.

He has over the last few months started refusing to go to school. He will not get out of bed or dressed or will get as far as that but then not leave the house. He complains he feels unwell and so can't go (usually non specific, nausea, headache or body ache). If he stays at home he seems fine.

He won't be bribed to go, he won't be threatened- I've tried things such as taking devices, offering rewards for at least trying. Makes no difference other than huge meltdowns, he doesn't go, just accepts whatever happens.

We came to a sort of agreement that he would accept that he had to try and go even when he felt unwell and if it didn't improve over the day and he was struggling I would come and get him. I spoke to school about this and he reluctantly went but he says he felt worse and they didn't ring. So now if he feels even slightly ill he won't go at all out of fear of getting worse. He missed 3 days last week and I'm currently trying to get him to at least go in this afternoon.

I'm at a bit of a loss of what to try next. He can be very fixed and now school have in his eyes proved they will "torture" him by making him stay when he feels unwell it feels like this will just continue.

I'll speak to school again but any advice welcomed!

Apologies for the length of the post.

No advice but sounds very familiar. Check out the Not Fine In School group on Facebook as its full of other parents in exactly the same situation.

This happened with my son (also autistic)

We moved schools.

He's a different child.

There's a reason he's doing this - horrid teacher? Friendship group he doesn't feel a part of? Doesn't feel safe? Could be one of a million reasons. But it's not too late to find a smaller more supportive school better able to meet his needs and re spark his interest in school.

My son actively gets up now at 6am ready and raring to get into school. This was a child who towards the end at his old school I was literally dragging him crying hysterically from the car. You don't want to get to that point.

Ask your son to elaborate and really listen to him.

Is there any way to change his school day so that, for example, he can write on a computer or skip French or something like that?

Basically finding out exactly what it is that he really doesn’t like about school and making that bit a bit easier for, so that he is not anxious/refusing to go.

The more he misses school the more it becomes the norm/routine to miss it. What does his class teacher say about how he is at school? Presumably he doesn't have French every day so can he try to go in those days at least,

If he was happy to go until now something may have happened . Obviously the work will have got more difficult with more writing so could you have a word with the teacher about making allowance for him and enabling him to present in a different way. I would agree with looking at another school if you feel something has changed this year. My ds without autism begged me to change him when the teacher absolutely roared at him and he never looked back. His best memories of Primary are from his new school..Is there a special needs teacher he is fond of in his present school that maybe he could go to during French or do extra sessions with?

My DD was like this last term at the start of year 5. She's waiting for an ADOS assessment. Would get dressed unwillingly but as we walked to school she'd start to stress out and would refuse to go through the gate. She's very academically able and bored at school.

It took a term but the school senco and inclusion team did lots of work with her using the Zones of Regulation colours and talking through her day, from waking to sleeping, to identify problems. Turns out she wasn't enjoying English (as it's not maths 🙄) and so believed that meant she didn't need to go to school. It took a lot of time to persuade her that not enjoying a subject doesn't mean you don't go.

I was completely firm with DD that it's the law she must go to school and I didn't care how long it took to go through the gate, through it she would be going. Every day. I had to ask my employer for flexi time to accommodate that. I also told DD I was there for her emotionally, as were school staff, but she had to put the effort in to resolving this as well.

We're also waiting for a space with a specialist psychotherapist who works with young people with anxiety and SEN.

Sorry, I'm rubbish at replying individually.

As far as I can tell, no issues with other children. He doesn't like his teacher as much as his previous one but he does like her.

Mondays are the worst day (partly due to the combination of lessons he dislikes, partly as it is just after the weekend and I think the adjustment / anxiety is worse). Usually I can get him in on Tuesday and once he's in he will go in the rest of the week. Last week was particularly bad and I'm worried as this week hasn't started well. We try and keep quite routine on weekends and have had a quiet weekend this week, not done anything unusual.

School he is very local to us and I'd be really reluctant to move him (there isn't another primary he could walk to) without trying other options first. I'll keep it in mind though.

Worth considering if they might let him type some stuff, he would much prefer that.

I am glad someone has mentioned 'not fine in school'

On the writing front, although you son might be saying its boring. He might actually be finding it challenging as there can be a lot of redrafting things you were perfectly happy with and it can start to become challenging for some autustic children as there is a lot of writing from the perspective of an ant and what he might be thinking about the summer. And its not unusual for an autistic person to think i dont know what an ant thinks therefore i can not do this. This is stupid. Not saying that is the case, but sometimes academically able children just hit a block like that.

My personal experience has been if bribes and threats dont work then nothing in the childs mind is worse than school that day. Would you put your hand in boiling water if i said i you coukdnt watch tv for a week? Therefore I would really try an see whats causing it. Is it social skills are beginning to lag behind, something in the environment, change in whats expected in the curriculumn. And work on that.

My children knew that if they claimed to be too unwell to go to school, I took it very seriously. Straight back to bed, poor darlings, to receive full nursing service. That meant total bed rest in their room all day long (even if they suddenly felt better as soon as the school bus had been and gone.) We did not have TV in bedrooms. A light bland diet to rest the system. Complete peace and quiet.

Gosh, that thought about putting your hand in boiling water hits home a bit.

You are right in that it is partly about finding things challenging. He was a bit surprised by the idea that other people experience this too when we talked about it. French is an issue partly because it is the first subject he has ever had to "work" at understanding rather than it just making sense. I have talked to him about it a bit and looked at ways to support him at home but he is very reluctant to do anything that is anything to do with it so it's difficult to help in that way, only with reassuring.

Would pre-learning the french help? So if you were sent the lesson plan /objective and any vocab before hand. Then his first go at it might be somewhere more private when he can take a bit more time.

My autistic DS hates languages... partly it's that he doesn't see logical sense in them (at a beginners stage) and it's not the way he thinks, he doesn't percieve them as useful to him as he's not in France/ Spain/ Germany, and mainly that they force him to say untruths such as j'ai un chien/ ich habe ein Hund/ yo tengo uno pero. It's hard enough remembering the vocabulary plus manipulating it into things you don't want to say.

I've no great advice as we're currently battling constant stress/ sensory overwhelm headaches, but even just pin-pointing why something is so difficult when others don't seem to be affected can be a bit of reassurance.

What has SENCO suggested. School needs to make adjustments here.

How is the school supporting you, if they are?

As well as Not Fine in School, would you and they, consider a different timetable, to try to get him in the habit of going to school.

If Mondays are particularly difficult, is there a part of the day he can cope with and so just go in for that. The same would apply to other days/lessons. It takes organising and may not be possible for you, but at the moment, everyone is stressed because he’s not going in at all. When he’s comfortable with the things he can cope with, another not so popular lesson could be introduced. If that’s too much, revert to the possible.

It puts a lot on you, as the parent, going back and forth and a certain amount on the school too, but it is possible and I’ve seen it done. Or is there somewhere in the school he can go when his particularly disliked lessons happen. Not an ideal solution, but something is surely better than nothing.

Well, we made it as far as the school grounds. It should be 30 seconds walk from home. It took us 15 minutes with detour and pause for discussion of if work could instead be provided online.

Arrived in such a state that it just wasn't worth it so I managed to grab the SENCO instead and we had a quick meeting. We've done some negotiations about French, some reassuring about days he feels ill and they offered MH / anxiety support. Going to try and have a plan in place before next Monday.

Written off the rest of today and will try again tomorrow.

I appreciate the suggestions and advice, thank you.